Diary of a Poly Kinster - Chapter 2
Chapter 2 - Adam...The First in the Garden
I've led what some would consider to be a "hard life". Growing up, I lived below the poverty line for years and years. Various family members stayed with us throuhout my childhood that had no problem bringing their issues into our home. I walked in on my uncle one overdosing on heroin. My cousins talked about joining street gangs like it was choosing a college. This left an impression on me about drugs very early on.
I drifted from home to home with my mother when my dad left for work in Denver. My mom didn't know the word monogamy and I was put to make excuses and tell stories for her as she explore the world outside of her marriage and church. I'd like to think that this contributed to my inability to remain monogamous to one person, but going back in my family's history I can see that everyone on her side is the same way. Our bloodline just doesn't do monogamy. The homes I grew up in were always temporary, each with it's own set of challenges. I learned early on to adapt to new people and new homes. Don't feel sorry for me my dear readers as my intent is not to gain pity from you. Instead my intent is to set the stage of how and when I met the first person I loved in a romantic way.
During this time, I always found a way to find kink. I would find books on the subject in my friend's dad's book collection (Kinsey's reports, Story of O, etc). I would watch movies with the kink themes or actions (Basic Instinct, etc). I read comic books with heroes and heroines decked out in latex and leather. I didn't keep much with me as we were always on the move, but I did always seek it out. Sure, I'd go through my spells of guilt and throw it all away, but my hunger persisted and always brought me back to our world.
My freshman year of high school was rough to say the least. I went to schools infested with gangs and drugs (but what school isn't these days?). I was a bit of a loner as I was the only kid in my school of my ethnicity and had no real friends. This is about the time I really started to lose myself into technology. I went to a magnet school about computers that first year so I learned the tools necessary to reach out to people similar to me. I found local bulletin board systems to log into (or BBS) before the days of the internet. I even started my own BBS so that people could upload kinky pictures to me and I wouldn't need to go out and find them. I found local chat boards where I could talk to gay men. Looking back now, it's amazing I was never kidnapped or killed. I was 14 and already talking to guys about the leather lifestyle. I would of course lie about my age as to not be found out and stopped. My hunger grew and grew as my hormones reeked havoc on my body. I didn't know how to control it yet. I didn't even know what "it" was. I just knew that I had these dark thoughts that were sexual in nature and I pursued them with the tenacity and ambition of a teenage boy. I was constantly looking for more and in those days it was hard to find.
After my freshman year, I ended up going to my local school instead of being bus'ed in. I ended up sitting next to a guy in home room who I took an instant liking to. He was the first, so I'll call him Adam.
Now here's the interesting thing - I had no understanding of my feelings at this time. I was 15 and had not even begun to imagine that I could be different than most people emotionally. Up until this point, I thought all my urges were strictly physical in nature. Adam changed all that. I can't claim it was love at first site because I had no concept of the word Love. Regardless, we had an instant connection. We were immediate friends and spent every moment together from that moment on. Sure, I had made other friends, but Adam was what made my world spin. We even hacked the school computers so that we had the same exact class schedule. I called him friend and brother, but it was deeper than that. So deep in fact that he would hide certain things from me for fear that I would leave him.
We never kissed. We never did anything sexual. We just coexisted. I wouldn't dare make that move for fear that he would forsake me. This...my dear readers...was the first time I've ever loved.
Our friendship grew over the next year. We learned to finish each others sentences. We read the same books. We watched the same movies. We would play video games for hours on end. He would spend days at my house. We became mall rats and just drifted all weekend, hanging out. We would talk for hours. I loved him and I daresay he loved me back. He would even make comments, referring to books saying that we were like characters in those books. He always said he never wanted "The Conversation" to stop (referring to Lestat and Nikki in "The Vampire Lestat"). I didn't pick up on it at the time, but he had more to give. I was not alone in my feelings.
During this fledgling relationship, something stranged happened. My hunger subsided. The beast within me was sated. Happy. It didn't matter what kind of crap was going on at home or between my parents, I was content. I'd stopped doing dangerous things like talking to strangers online. I'd only marginally stayed interested in kink. I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to explore my darker side. If anything, I didn't have time. The beast had curled up in a ball inside my heart and purred with satisfaction. I still can't explain why as I'm not vanilla in any sense of the word. For some reason....Adam calmed me.
Looking back now, it's interesting to see how quickly things can change. Adam and I were like an unblemished canvas about to be marred forever by the violent stroke of a brush. For the canvas, the brush stroke is devastating, defacing it forever. But when that magnificent outside force is finished.....a picture emerges more terrible and beautiful than what came before.
I've led what some would consider to be a "hard life". Growing up, I lived below the poverty line for years and years. Various family members stayed with us throuhout my childhood that had no problem bringing their issues into our home. I walked in on my uncle one overdosing on heroin. My cousins talked about joining street gangs like it was choosing a college. This left an impression on me about drugs very early on.
I drifted from home to home with my mother when my dad left for work in Denver. My mom didn't know the word monogamy and I was put to make excuses and tell stories for her as she explore the world outside of her marriage and church. I'd like to think that this contributed to my inability to remain monogamous to one person, but going back in my family's history I can see that everyone on her side is the same way. Our bloodline just doesn't do monogamy. The homes I grew up in were always temporary, each with it's own set of challenges. I learned early on to adapt to new people and new homes. Don't feel sorry for me my dear readers as my intent is not to gain pity from you. Instead my intent is to set the stage of how and when I met the first person I loved in a romantic way.
During this time, I always found a way to find kink. I would find books on the subject in my friend's dad's book collection (Kinsey's reports, Story of O, etc). I would watch movies with the kink themes or actions (Basic Instinct, etc). I read comic books with heroes and heroines decked out in latex and leather. I didn't keep much with me as we were always on the move, but I did always seek it out. Sure, I'd go through my spells of guilt and throw it all away, but my hunger persisted and always brought me back to our world.
My freshman year of high school was rough to say the least. I went to schools infested with gangs and drugs (but what school isn't these days?). I was a bit of a loner as I was the only kid in my school of my ethnicity and had no real friends. This is about the time I really started to lose myself into technology. I went to a magnet school about computers that first year so I learned the tools necessary to reach out to people similar to me. I found local bulletin board systems to log into (or BBS) before the days of the internet. I even started my own BBS so that people could upload kinky pictures to me and I wouldn't need to go out and find them. I found local chat boards where I could talk to gay men. Looking back now, it's amazing I was never kidnapped or killed. I was 14 and already talking to guys about the leather lifestyle. I would of course lie about my age as to not be found out and stopped. My hunger grew and grew as my hormones reeked havoc on my body. I didn't know how to control it yet. I didn't even know what "it" was. I just knew that I had these dark thoughts that were sexual in nature and I pursued them with the tenacity and ambition of a teenage boy. I was constantly looking for more and in those days it was hard to find.
After my freshman year, I ended up going to my local school instead of being bus'ed in. I ended up sitting next to a guy in home room who I took an instant liking to. He was the first, so I'll call him Adam.
Now here's the interesting thing - I had no understanding of my feelings at this time. I was 15 and had not even begun to imagine that I could be different than most people emotionally. Up until this point, I thought all my urges were strictly physical in nature. Adam changed all that. I can't claim it was love at first site because I had no concept of the word Love. Regardless, we had an instant connection. We were immediate friends and spent every moment together from that moment on. Sure, I had made other friends, but Adam was what made my world spin. We even hacked the school computers so that we had the same exact class schedule. I called him friend and brother, but it was deeper than that. So deep in fact that he would hide certain things from me for fear that I would leave him.
We never kissed. We never did anything sexual. We just coexisted. I wouldn't dare make that move for fear that he would forsake me. This...my dear readers...was the first time I've ever loved.
Our friendship grew over the next year. We learned to finish each others sentences. We read the same books. We watched the same movies. We would play video games for hours on end. He would spend days at my house. We became mall rats and just drifted all weekend, hanging out. We would talk for hours. I loved him and I daresay he loved me back. He would even make comments, referring to books saying that we were like characters in those books. He always said he never wanted "The Conversation" to stop (referring to Lestat and Nikki in "The Vampire Lestat"). I didn't pick up on it at the time, but he had more to give. I was not alone in my feelings.
During this fledgling relationship, something stranged happened. My hunger subsided. The beast within me was sated. Happy. It didn't matter what kind of crap was going on at home or between my parents, I was content. I'd stopped doing dangerous things like talking to strangers online. I'd only marginally stayed interested in kink. I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to explore my darker side. If anything, I didn't have time. The beast had curled up in a ball inside my heart and purred with satisfaction. I still can't explain why as I'm not vanilla in any sense of the word. For some reason....Adam calmed me.
Looking back now, it's interesting to see how quickly things can change. Adam and I were like an unblemished canvas about to be marred forever by the violent stroke of a brush. For the canvas, the brush stroke is devastating, defacing it forever. But when that magnificent outside force is finished.....a picture emerges more terrible and beautiful than what came before.