Hello strangers, did you miss me?
Well now, it has been quite some time since I wrote in you, internet journal. i fell like I have much to say and nothing at all. Funny how the mind and heart go back and forth from "feeling" full to "feeling" empty. I think both.
I have been busy, though obviously not updating any on-line posts, but living life none-the-less. A disclaimer for any who would try to call me: I hate, really hate, talking on phones, so if I seem edgy in conversation, its because I have been conditioned to hate phones from my job. I love you, I hate phones. Just remember that.
Work is well, though a bit hectic, and can be disheartening much of the time. Through driving and working at a hotel, and even living with roomates, I have found an increase in carelesness, inconsideration, and plain old child-like behavior from all people of all walks of life. I have seen down right imorality and rudeness, evil-if you will. I dont get it. I tend to get so worked up and angry, judging even, because I dont understand how so many can be so blind and ignorant of common decency and courtesy, how so many can have dead consciences and not lament the fact. I know I am in similar circumstances, at least being in the evil category. I have so many thoughts, habits, practices, just choices, that are evil and selfish and deceitful and harmful to myself and others, and I am grieved at seeing all of this and not ignorant. I know that, according to the Word, their hearts are darkened and they have a shroud pulled over their eyes, that they are blinded by the god of this world, but it just doesn't make sense to me, in a practical way. I guess spiritual power doesn't make sense in a logical fashion.
But, the point of all this is, that as I see this I am told, I hear, that God loves everyone of them and me. I am told He died for us, and that He longs for us to be close to Him. I can not understand that love. I pray for justice and retribution, but mercy is far from my heart. I pray for people to be grieved over their behavior, their sin, and I hope it happens in the most shocking of ways, but I dont have compassion for them. i have compassion for those that are victimized b/c of their choices, but I don't have it for those that are commiting this acts. To sum it up, I dont have this love for a sinful people. The conclusion of that, if we are all sinners, is that I have no love for anyone really, unless I really choose it, fight for it, ask for it. I dont have it flowing from my heart. If God's love is a rushing waterfall, mine is a leaky faucet. Drip, drip, drip.
Now, me seeing this things, i realize, is a direct result of a prayer that I prayed many times. I asked the Lord to show me the depth of my wickedness that I might be remorseful for the wickedness in my life that I had become numb to. I am seeing it and am very remorseful, but my heart is still cold. That brings me to now.
One of the works that has been undertaken her in Madison is a migratory 24-7 prayer room. It spends about a week in one location then is transferred to another, in hope that the on-site area will be a focus of and saturated by prayer. I have spent much time in this moving house of prayer and been calling out, crying out for the Lord to remove these things from me, to cleanse me, to set me free from my pride and judgment, from my mercilesness and demanding, from my hard-heart. I need to be released from this prison I am in. But at the same time, I dont want to lose a sense of justice. I dont want unsanctified mercy that will not be blessed by the Lord. So I am in a bit of a stalemate. The easy answer is, to let them both go, ask God for justice and mercy that kiss, and to seek His Kingdom (one of love and mercy and compassion) and His Righteousness (justified through faith) and all things will be added unto me. But, it feels like I would be losing a valuable piece of something.
Maybe that's it, to just die to my ideas and feelings of what is and isn't and trust the Lord, the Spirit of Truth inside of me, to lead me to truth and to set me free. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. I need to be liberated. I need Jesus. I need His Spirit to fill me, indwell me fully, to cleanse me, to captivate me, to dominate me, to cover me. I am so empty lately. I see it and feel it. it is a numbing feeling, and a hollow existence. but, I know I was promised more. I know there is more to my life. I know that I am wretched, poor, blind and naked, but I have been promised that I will be clothed, adorned and filled if I ask. If I humble myself, seek His face and cry out to Him in repentance and sorrow for my sinful attitudes He is just and faithful to forgive me and restore me. I need Him.
I have been busy, though obviously not updating any on-line posts, but living life none-the-less. A disclaimer for any who would try to call me: I hate, really hate, talking on phones, so if I seem edgy in conversation, its because I have been conditioned to hate phones from my job. I love you, I hate phones. Just remember that.
Work is well, though a bit hectic, and can be disheartening much of the time. Through driving and working at a hotel, and even living with roomates, I have found an increase in carelesness, inconsideration, and plain old child-like behavior from all people of all walks of life. I have seen down right imorality and rudeness, evil-if you will. I dont get it. I tend to get so worked up and angry, judging even, because I dont understand how so many can be so blind and ignorant of common decency and courtesy, how so many can have dead consciences and not lament the fact. I know I am in similar circumstances, at least being in the evil category. I have so many thoughts, habits, practices, just choices, that are evil and selfish and deceitful and harmful to myself and others, and I am grieved at seeing all of this and not ignorant. I know that, according to the Word, their hearts are darkened and they have a shroud pulled over their eyes, that they are blinded by the god of this world, but it just doesn't make sense to me, in a practical way. I guess spiritual power doesn't make sense in a logical fashion.
But, the point of all this is, that as I see this I am told, I hear, that God loves everyone of them and me. I am told He died for us, and that He longs for us to be close to Him. I can not understand that love. I pray for justice and retribution, but mercy is far from my heart. I pray for people to be grieved over their behavior, their sin, and I hope it happens in the most shocking of ways, but I dont have compassion for them. i have compassion for those that are victimized b/c of their choices, but I don't have it for those that are commiting this acts. To sum it up, I dont have this love for a sinful people. The conclusion of that, if we are all sinners, is that I have no love for anyone really, unless I really choose it, fight for it, ask for it. I dont have it flowing from my heart. If God's love is a rushing waterfall, mine is a leaky faucet. Drip, drip, drip.
Now, me seeing this things, i realize, is a direct result of a prayer that I prayed many times. I asked the Lord to show me the depth of my wickedness that I might be remorseful for the wickedness in my life that I had become numb to. I am seeing it and am very remorseful, but my heart is still cold. That brings me to now.
One of the works that has been undertaken her in Madison is a migratory 24-7 prayer room. It spends about a week in one location then is transferred to another, in hope that the on-site area will be a focus of and saturated by prayer. I have spent much time in this moving house of prayer and been calling out, crying out for the Lord to remove these things from me, to cleanse me, to set me free from my pride and judgment, from my mercilesness and demanding, from my hard-heart. I need to be released from this prison I am in. But at the same time, I dont want to lose a sense of justice. I dont want unsanctified mercy that will not be blessed by the Lord. So I am in a bit of a stalemate. The easy answer is, to let them both go, ask God for justice and mercy that kiss, and to seek His Kingdom (one of love and mercy and compassion) and His Righteousness (justified through faith) and all things will be added unto me. But, it feels like I would be losing a valuable piece of something.
Maybe that's it, to just die to my ideas and feelings of what is and isn't and trust the Lord, the Spirit of Truth inside of me, to lead me to truth and to set me free. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. I need to be liberated. I need Jesus. I need His Spirit to fill me, indwell me fully, to cleanse me, to captivate me, to dominate me, to cover me. I am so empty lately. I see it and feel it. it is a numbing feeling, and a hollow existence. but, I know I was promised more. I know there is more to my life. I know that I am wretched, poor, blind and naked, but I have been promised that I will be clothed, adorned and filled if I ask. If I humble myself, seek His face and cry out to Him in repentance and sorrow for my sinful attitudes He is just and faithful to forgive me and restore me. I need Him.