Saving Grace, Chapter III
Thanks: Defs goes to cutting_rm_flr for the connection crap she had to put up with, helping me with this. :)
“Gotta go before the firearms review board,” he said, tossing a file of haphazardly-stuffed papers onto his already cluttered desk. Elliot sat in a huff, steepled his fingers in front of his face and rested his forehead on them. The worry lines etched across his forehead and around his eyes seemed deeper as of late, more pronounced; and while she wasn’t overtly worried, she was a bit concerned.
It looked as though he hadn’t slept in days, weeks. She might have thought that too if he hadn’t called her the night before and fallen asleep while speaking with her on the phone. Olivia had listened to his steady breathing for a good five minutes before she hung up and burrowed under her own covers, sleeping with the sound of his breathing in her head.
Today, she could still hear it, feel it on the back of her neck and across her skin as if he’d somehow touched her from all of those miles away.
Olivia leaned back in her chair and gave him a moment to process the bulk of what was flittering around in his surely disheveled head. She found it confusing and more than a little bit agitating how much concern she actually harbored for him. There was a wealth of it, a cache waiting to be used up on him; empathy, sympathy, and understanding… all for him.
It seemed as if she had a lot of feelings within her that were reserved solely for her partner, and while she could name most of them in her head-could define and place them into categories-she wouldn’t dare to speak of them aloud. They roused her otherwise tidy brain; constantly reminding her, begging her to be used up. The analytical side of her would bat them away, staving them off for one more day.
Blowing a thin line of air between her lips, she straightened her back and caught his attention. “This about Havez?” Olivia folded her arms in her lap, licked her lips and waited for him to go off, his jaw having tightened in that way it was prone to do before an outburst.
Elliot swallowed quickly, calming himself; he nodded a bit too emphatically. “Bastards say my shooting my not have been just. Like I’m supposed to mace the guy when he’s got a gun to a kid’s head!” Again, his head fell to his hands and was cradled by them, the heels pressing hard into his forehead. “We can never win, ya know?”
Instead of answering the question, she opted to attempt to comfort him. “You’ll be fine, there’s no way they can find against you, and I’ll back you up; so will Fin,” she smiled and tossed a pad of post it notes at his arm to get his attention. “Don’t sweat it.”
A half-hearted smile graced his lips and he sat back in the chair, lacing his fingers in his lap. “It’s not that, not really. I just… you know.” His eyes searched hers, waiting for understanding to register; hoping that she understood, that she knew what he was getting at, that she knew…
She nodded, “I know.”
And then it came to her, the stark pang of realization; it was the seemingly telepathic conversations they were prone to have with each other, that’s what set her mind reeling. They were able to finish each other’s sentences; they knew one another’s likes and dislikes down to the exact combination of roughage to get on the other’s burger and the exact order it should be stacked in. They knew where everything was in the other’s apartment and the exact time the other woke up in the morning. It was eerie, it was crazy, and it made her heart do adolescent little flip-flops in her chest for a reason she chose vehemently not to define.
They could decode each other’s soul without really trying, and that’s what truly shook her; the ease with which they had slipped into ‘something more than partners’ without realizing it. She swallowed and got up from her desk, rounding it to sit on the edge of his.
“You wanna grab a drink later?” she asked quietly, glancing around to make sure no one had overheard. Lifting his head, he looked at her quizzically.
“Why the hush-hush?” he questioned as he leaned forward, mocking her conspiratorial tone. Her lips twisted into a wry frown as her brow arched. Olivia leaned back on her arms, palms flat on his desk.
Clearing her throat, she explained, “Because I don’t want anyone else to invite themselves along…” She trailed off, hoping to the high heavens that he would understand her meaning, that she wouldn’t have to paint him a pretty picture of her intentions. Not that she had any intentions that were entirely out of line; Olivia simply wanted to get him out of his own head for a bit.
A difficult task, but one that she, surprisingly, felt the need to undertake. “But I’m talking somewhere in the range of one to two, no more than three, I’m not carting your ass home again.” That broke the tension she felt settling over her shoulders and her frame relaxed a bit.
Elliot’s face screwed up in confusion, but after a moment the cool infiltration of clarity smoothed over his features and he sat back once more and smiled. “Yeah, okay.”
The flitter-flutter of ‘his’ emotions that generally resided in her head seemed to quiet down and regard her from the inside out. After a moment they seemingly settled back and gave her applause, and at the feeling of accomplishment, she smiled at him. “Good.”
Later on that evening, they left the precinct together, shrugging on their light jackets before saying goodnight to the others. Out on the streets, the shiver of the wind through the trees had the leaves chattering against each other, the dead ones shuddering sluggishly down to the ground. They crunched under the duos’ feet, reminding them that winter was approaching. “Where we going?” Elliot broke the silence, his voice low and steady. The cadence of it took her by surprise, warm and slow and sad.
The night enveloped them securely, creating a space for just the two of them. Together, they were alone in the city, the only two people that really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Every breath, every heartbeat, every step; it was all that kept the time between them. There was no beginning and no end for that night, just the steady thrum of a thousand moments building up the tension between them.
She wanted to feel the pulse at his wrist, take his hand, tell them that they didn’t have to go anywhere, that they could get intoxicated right there on the sidewalk.
“I uh, was thinking maybe The Place,” she decided on the spot, knowing it was a few blocks down and would give them time to shrug off the toils of the day. “You alright?”
Elliot shrugged. “Ever notice how we’re constantly asking each other that?” She watched his shoes as they made their way down the sidewalk, noting how he was taking shorter strides than usual. “Isn’t that weird?”
It was true, they were constantly questioning the other; making sure the other was eating right, sleeping when they were supposed to. Olivia knew when she didn’t find out how he was doing, that he was going home alright, that he wasn’t carrying a load out on his shoulders, she would go home and be unable to sleep.
“Would you rather we didn’t?” Her reply was flippant and fast in coming and caused him to chuff out a silhouette of a laugh. “I mean-“
“Nah, nah not what I mean… I just think… do you think other people do this all the time, worry about how their coworkers are doing?” Confusion was latent in his tone. “You think it’s us or the job or what?”
Olivia thought, really thought about an adequate answer. To say it was simply their occupation was false, but then to say it was entirely personal wasn’t true either. “Probably both, half and half.”
He nodded, “Yeah, probably about that.”
“Never answered my question,” she pointed out, reaching over to squeeze his bicep. “I kinda still want to know.” She did not want to know, she needed to know. It was an essential thing, much like air, the knowledge to make sure that he was alright.
Elliot cleared his throat and glanced up at the little fraction of sky he could see amongst the buildings. There were no stars, just low hanging clouds, puffs of gray skating in between the space above the edifices. “Don’t really know, I just feel kinda… anxious all the time, like I there’s something out there I have to be doing but don’t know what it is.” Elliot laughed at himself, “Fucked up, eh?”
“No, not really…” Her voice dropped a notch. “You just feel… like you can’t stop moving.”
“Yeah. Yeah, yeah,” he agreed. They rounded a corner and both had to jump to the side, narrowly avoiding two running children, their mother pulling up the rear as quickly as she could. She yelled a quick ‘Sorry!’ over her shoulder before taking the corner as fast as she could.
A chord struck in her heart, something sweet and rousing that made her head swim with the exhilaration of it. Though there was nothing happening between them, nothing really; simply walking and talking, she felt more blessed than she ever had. So beautiful, so distinctly perfect she couldn’t contain her mirth.
Olivia’s chin fell to her chest and she began laughing hard; her body shook at first, the chuckles coming in silent bursts. After a moment, her mouth opened and a bright cackle emerged, startling him a bit, but serving to make him smile as well. “What?” he asked, the confusion that had previously laced his voice having dissipated.
She shook her head and looked at him, grinning. “Nothing, I just… love autumn. And this… just walking with you.” Olivia nodded, her grin falling a bit as a blush crept up her neck to her cheeks. It was nice, the quiet moment they were having, the comfort they both felt “C’mon.”
With a jerk of her head they began walking again, even slower this time. After a moment he reached over and stopped her, his palm pressing gently on her upper chest. “Thanks uh, for looking out for me.”
Olivia smiled, confused, “Hey, I’m your partner.”
Slowly, deliberately, he nodded and licked his lip. He looked down the street both ways as if making sure they were secure in their location. “That the only reason?”
Olivia shook her head immediately and smiled, “Absolutely not.” Such frankness in her voice, such honesty. The shade of her eyes confirmed it for him; the crackle of attraction between them was much more than the basic. There was something… something palpable, something nearly tangible…
Bouncing on the balls of his feet, he straightened up, throwing his shoulders back a bit. “Well, good.”
One more block to go and they began walking, closer than they had before. Elliot leaned over and with a playful smirk, linked his arm through hers, pulling her towards him so that their hips bumped. She laughed a little and looked up at him.
What she saw sent the files in her head scattering every which way. His eyes were hooded, but just slightly, a flare of lust rising in the pupils. Swallowing, she flicked her eyes away and then back to him. Still staring, he was still staring at her and she didn’t know what to do. So she just started walking again, pulling him along with her.
He stumbled and followed behind her before he caught his footing and fell in step directly beside her. “How many rounds?” he asked, bending down to whisper in her ear.
“Hm, three,” she answered, attempting to keep composed.
“Make it four and I’ll pay for half,” Elliot reasoned and waited patiently on her answer. She hummed a bit and glanced up at him.
“You’re on, but we’re grabbing a cab home, I’m not walking.”
“Perfect,” he said as they pulled up in front of the bar. “Absolutely perfect.”
“Gotta go before the firearms review board,” he said, tossing a file of haphazardly-stuffed papers onto his already cluttered desk. Elliot sat in a huff, steepled his fingers in front of his face and rested his forehead on them. The worry lines etched across his forehead and around his eyes seemed deeper as of late, more pronounced; and while she wasn’t overtly worried, she was a bit concerned.
It looked as though he hadn’t slept in days, weeks. She might have thought that too if he hadn’t called her the night before and fallen asleep while speaking with her on the phone. Olivia had listened to his steady breathing for a good five minutes before she hung up and burrowed under her own covers, sleeping with the sound of his breathing in her head.
Today, she could still hear it, feel it on the back of her neck and across her skin as if he’d somehow touched her from all of those miles away.
Olivia leaned back in her chair and gave him a moment to process the bulk of what was flittering around in his surely disheveled head. She found it confusing and more than a little bit agitating how much concern she actually harbored for him. There was a wealth of it, a cache waiting to be used up on him; empathy, sympathy, and understanding… all for him.
It seemed as if she had a lot of feelings within her that were reserved solely for her partner, and while she could name most of them in her head-could define and place them into categories-she wouldn’t dare to speak of them aloud. They roused her otherwise tidy brain; constantly reminding her, begging her to be used up. The analytical side of her would bat them away, staving them off for one more day.
Blowing a thin line of air between her lips, she straightened her back and caught his attention. “This about Havez?” Olivia folded her arms in her lap, licked her lips and waited for him to go off, his jaw having tightened in that way it was prone to do before an outburst.
Elliot swallowed quickly, calming himself; he nodded a bit too emphatically. “Bastards say my shooting my not have been just. Like I’m supposed to mace the guy when he’s got a gun to a kid’s head!” Again, his head fell to his hands and was cradled by them, the heels pressing hard into his forehead. “We can never win, ya know?”
Instead of answering the question, she opted to attempt to comfort him. “You’ll be fine, there’s no way they can find against you, and I’ll back you up; so will Fin,” she smiled and tossed a pad of post it notes at his arm to get his attention. “Don’t sweat it.”
A half-hearted smile graced his lips and he sat back in the chair, lacing his fingers in his lap. “It’s not that, not really. I just… you know.” His eyes searched hers, waiting for understanding to register; hoping that she understood, that she knew what he was getting at, that she knew…
She nodded, “I know.”
And then it came to her, the stark pang of realization; it was the seemingly telepathic conversations they were prone to have with each other, that’s what set her mind reeling. They were able to finish each other’s sentences; they knew one another’s likes and dislikes down to the exact combination of roughage to get on the other’s burger and the exact order it should be stacked in. They knew where everything was in the other’s apartment and the exact time the other woke up in the morning. It was eerie, it was crazy, and it made her heart do adolescent little flip-flops in her chest for a reason she chose vehemently not to define.
They could decode each other’s soul without really trying, and that’s what truly shook her; the ease with which they had slipped into ‘something more than partners’ without realizing it. She swallowed and got up from her desk, rounding it to sit on the edge of his.
“You wanna grab a drink later?” she asked quietly, glancing around to make sure no one had overheard. Lifting his head, he looked at her quizzically.
“Why the hush-hush?” he questioned as he leaned forward, mocking her conspiratorial tone. Her lips twisted into a wry frown as her brow arched. Olivia leaned back on her arms, palms flat on his desk.
Clearing her throat, she explained, “Because I don’t want anyone else to invite themselves along…” She trailed off, hoping to the high heavens that he would understand her meaning, that she wouldn’t have to paint him a pretty picture of her intentions. Not that she had any intentions that were entirely out of line; Olivia simply wanted to get him out of his own head for a bit.
A difficult task, but one that she, surprisingly, felt the need to undertake. “But I’m talking somewhere in the range of one to two, no more than three, I’m not carting your ass home again.” That broke the tension she felt settling over her shoulders and her frame relaxed a bit.
Elliot’s face screwed up in confusion, but after a moment the cool infiltration of clarity smoothed over his features and he sat back once more and smiled. “Yeah, okay.”
The flitter-flutter of ‘his’ emotions that generally resided in her head seemed to quiet down and regard her from the inside out. After a moment they seemingly settled back and gave her applause, and at the feeling of accomplishment, she smiled at him. “Good.”
Later on that evening, they left the precinct together, shrugging on their light jackets before saying goodnight to the others. Out on the streets, the shiver of the wind through the trees had the leaves chattering against each other, the dead ones shuddering sluggishly down to the ground. They crunched under the duos’ feet, reminding them that winter was approaching. “Where we going?” Elliot broke the silence, his voice low and steady. The cadence of it took her by surprise, warm and slow and sad.
The night enveloped them securely, creating a space for just the two of them. Together, they were alone in the city, the only two people that really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Every breath, every heartbeat, every step; it was all that kept the time between them. There was no beginning and no end for that night, just the steady thrum of a thousand moments building up the tension between them.
She wanted to feel the pulse at his wrist, take his hand, tell them that they didn’t have to go anywhere, that they could get intoxicated right there on the sidewalk.
“I uh, was thinking maybe The Place,” she decided on the spot, knowing it was a few blocks down and would give them time to shrug off the toils of the day. “You alright?”
Elliot shrugged. “Ever notice how we’re constantly asking each other that?” She watched his shoes as they made their way down the sidewalk, noting how he was taking shorter strides than usual. “Isn’t that weird?”
It was true, they were constantly questioning the other; making sure the other was eating right, sleeping when they were supposed to. Olivia knew when she didn’t find out how he was doing, that he was going home alright, that he wasn’t carrying a load out on his shoulders, she would go home and be unable to sleep.
“Would you rather we didn’t?” Her reply was flippant and fast in coming and caused him to chuff out a silhouette of a laugh. “I mean-“
“Nah, nah not what I mean… I just think… do you think other people do this all the time, worry about how their coworkers are doing?” Confusion was latent in his tone. “You think it’s us or the job or what?”
Olivia thought, really thought about an adequate answer. To say it was simply their occupation was false, but then to say it was entirely personal wasn’t true either. “Probably both, half and half.”
He nodded, “Yeah, probably about that.”
“Never answered my question,” she pointed out, reaching over to squeeze his bicep. “I kinda still want to know.” She did not want to know, she needed to know. It was an essential thing, much like air, the knowledge to make sure that he was alright.
Elliot cleared his throat and glanced up at the little fraction of sky he could see amongst the buildings. There were no stars, just low hanging clouds, puffs of gray skating in between the space above the edifices. “Don’t really know, I just feel kinda… anxious all the time, like I there’s something out there I have to be doing but don’t know what it is.” Elliot laughed at himself, “Fucked up, eh?”
“No, not really…” Her voice dropped a notch. “You just feel… like you can’t stop moving.”
“Yeah. Yeah, yeah,” he agreed. They rounded a corner and both had to jump to the side, narrowly avoiding two running children, their mother pulling up the rear as quickly as she could. She yelled a quick ‘Sorry!’ over her shoulder before taking the corner as fast as she could.
A chord struck in her heart, something sweet and rousing that made her head swim with the exhilaration of it. Though there was nothing happening between them, nothing really; simply walking and talking, she felt more blessed than she ever had. So beautiful, so distinctly perfect she couldn’t contain her mirth.
Olivia’s chin fell to her chest and she began laughing hard; her body shook at first, the chuckles coming in silent bursts. After a moment, her mouth opened and a bright cackle emerged, startling him a bit, but serving to make him smile as well. “What?” he asked, the confusion that had previously laced his voice having dissipated.
She shook her head and looked at him, grinning. “Nothing, I just… love autumn. And this… just walking with you.” Olivia nodded, her grin falling a bit as a blush crept up her neck to her cheeks. It was nice, the quiet moment they were having, the comfort they both felt “C’mon.”
With a jerk of her head they began walking again, even slower this time. After a moment he reached over and stopped her, his palm pressing gently on her upper chest. “Thanks uh, for looking out for me.”
Olivia smiled, confused, “Hey, I’m your partner.”
Slowly, deliberately, he nodded and licked his lip. He looked down the street both ways as if making sure they were secure in their location. “That the only reason?”
Olivia shook her head immediately and smiled, “Absolutely not.” Such frankness in her voice, such honesty. The shade of her eyes confirmed it for him; the crackle of attraction between them was much more than the basic. There was something… something palpable, something nearly tangible…
Bouncing on the balls of his feet, he straightened up, throwing his shoulders back a bit. “Well, good.”
One more block to go and they began walking, closer than they had before. Elliot leaned over and with a playful smirk, linked his arm through hers, pulling her towards him so that their hips bumped. She laughed a little and looked up at him.
What she saw sent the files in her head scattering every which way. His eyes were hooded, but just slightly, a flare of lust rising in the pupils. Swallowing, she flicked her eyes away and then back to him. Still staring, he was still staring at her and she didn’t know what to do. So she just started walking again, pulling him along with her.
He stumbled and followed behind her before he caught his footing and fell in step directly beside her. “How many rounds?” he asked, bending down to whisper in her ear.
“Hm, three,” she answered, attempting to keep composed.
“Make it four and I’ll pay for half,” Elliot reasoned and waited patiently on her answer. She hummed a bit and glanced up at him.
“You’re on, but we’re grabbing a cab home, I’m not walking.”
“Perfect,” he said as they pulled up in front of the bar. “Absolutely perfect.”