Heels over head.
Haha... this is what I just said in an IM with Amy:
"this place is too complex for me. no one knows what theyre doing. everyone is everywhere. confusion is contagious. nothing fits. that should be the definition for college"
So. True.
So, I have absolutely no luck whatsoever when it comes to the opposite sex. This, if nothing else, is what college has taught me. There's a party going on right now for one of the boy's birthday. I'm here in my dorm. Why? Because apparantly winter break was like a fight and I am not on speaking terms with several people. Or just small talk. While I became used to phone calls, hugs, invitations, drinks and drunk pick up lines, I've been downsized to a possible hello in between classes. I have no idea why that is. But, it's starting to make me mad. I am trying desperatelty to remain positive and smiling but that's hard. With some it is now impossible. I hate it. I did have an argument with a couple of girls here, but who knew that would affect my other relationships? Even then I'm not sure how it could have. But, if this is something different, why don't I know what's wrong? I'm so incredibly confused and it's making my time here suck more than ever. I'm so upset about it that I'm actually making myself sick. Def not worth it. Boys are just a waste of my time. Yet, I want them there so badly. I miss them. But I can't deal with wanting a relationship from a boy who only wants a fuck buddy. I don't even know if I want or can handle a relationship, but a hookup is just not as appealing.
With that said, here is what I want:
I want someone... to call me when I've been MIA. to invite me to hang out with their friends. to watch movies with on rainy days. to play sports with me on the weekends. to sleep with me at night and keep me company. to meet me for lunch or dinner. to notice if I've dressed myself up. to hug me or pick me up rather than a silent hello. to laugh with me. to drink and party with me. to watch out for me in the case of the previous. to think about me sometime when I'm not around. to notice if I'm cold or uncomfortable. to check on me when I'm sick. to dance with. to stop by my room when they're nearby just to say hi. to ask me about my break. to share secrets with. to be happy that I'm around. to count the stars with. to sit and talk to. to help me procrastinate work. I just want someone to be happy with.
Whether that's a friend. A boyfriend. A fuck buddy. A love interest. Or anything else, I don't care. But that's what I'm looking for right now. I hate that I can't find it here. Right now, I don't need love. I don't need a committment. No kissing in the rain. No anniversary dates. No Valentine's Day plans. No holding of hands. While those things are nice, there's just no need for it right now. I just want to be happy. I just want some attention and someone to rely on. I'm tired of this. And I'm so tired of waiting. I guess there's nothing else to do.
I just want to be happy again. I know it will happen. But there's more to it than boys. I feel like I'm starting over again and it isn't a fair playing field. I know it will all work out and such, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with everything.
Whatever. I think I'll go to bed. It's kind of early for me. But this semester it seems to be the new routine. Goodnight everyone. <3
"this place is too complex for me. no one knows what theyre doing. everyone is everywhere. confusion is contagious. nothing fits. that should be the definition for college"
So. True.
So, I have absolutely no luck whatsoever when it comes to the opposite sex. This, if nothing else, is what college has taught me. There's a party going on right now for one of the boy's birthday. I'm here in my dorm. Why? Because apparantly winter break was like a fight and I am not on speaking terms with several people. Or just small talk. While I became used to phone calls, hugs, invitations, drinks and drunk pick up lines, I've been downsized to a possible hello in between classes. I have no idea why that is. But, it's starting to make me mad. I am trying desperatelty to remain positive and smiling but that's hard. With some it is now impossible. I hate it. I did have an argument with a couple of girls here, but who knew that would affect my other relationships? Even then I'm not sure how it could have. But, if this is something different, why don't I know what's wrong? I'm so incredibly confused and it's making my time here suck more than ever. I'm so upset about it that I'm actually making myself sick. Def not worth it. Boys are just a waste of my time. Yet, I want them there so badly. I miss them. But I can't deal with wanting a relationship from a boy who only wants a fuck buddy. I don't even know if I want or can handle a relationship, but a hookup is just not as appealing.
With that said, here is what I want:
I want someone... to call me when I've been MIA. to invite me to hang out with their friends. to watch movies with on rainy days. to play sports with me on the weekends. to sleep with me at night and keep me company. to meet me for lunch or dinner. to notice if I've dressed myself up. to hug me or pick me up rather than a silent hello. to laugh with me. to drink and party with me. to watch out for me in the case of the previous. to think about me sometime when I'm not around. to notice if I'm cold or uncomfortable. to check on me when I'm sick. to dance with. to stop by my room when they're nearby just to say hi. to ask me about my break. to share secrets with. to be happy that I'm around. to count the stars with. to sit and talk to. to help me procrastinate work. I just want someone to be happy with.
Whether that's a friend. A boyfriend. A fuck buddy. A love interest. Or anything else, I don't care. But that's what I'm looking for right now. I hate that I can't find it here. Right now, I don't need love. I don't need a committment. No kissing in the rain. No anniversary dates. No Valentine's Day plans. No holding of hands. While those things are nice, there's just no need for it right now. I just want to be happy. I just want some attention and someone to rely on. I'm tired of this. And I'm so tired of waiting. I guess there's nothing else to do.
I just want to be happy again. I know it will happen. But there's more to it than boys. I feel like I'm starting over again and it isn't a fair playing field. I know it will all work out and such, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with everything.
Whatever. I think I'll go to bed. It's kind of early for me. But this semester it seems to be the new routine. Goodnight everyone. <3