Work
Originally posted @ http://scruffy-duck.net
This week is Mind Week and this year it’s all about mental health at work.
I started working for the Midlands Co-Op as a temp initially. I had been working in warehouses, sweeping up and doing other manual jobs, cleaning, putting boxes together, things that didn’t really require much effort on my part, but the job at the co-op was in an office, and was for a few months at least. I needed the money, and I figured an office would be warmer (it was November time when I started), plus the hours were 12pm to 8pm so I didn’t have to get up first thing.
It was a good job, lots of sitting around time, and the people were nice, and for a long time I managed as well as I ever did. I was already cutting semi-regularly when I started, and continued to do so. I was also in therapy when I started there, and went every Friday and they were pretty good in letting me go. I had Friday’s off for therapy, and worked the Sunday instead. This continued even after I got the permanent position in the office, and I disclosed some of my mental health problems to my supervisor when I came on board permanently, though I wasn’t sure whether I should or not. My mum said I shouldn’t, because they could refuse me the job, but I figured it wasn’t likely, cause I had been there for three months, had been offered the job, the forms and contracts were a formality.
I worked in the office of their chilled warehouse in Leicester, doing the 12-8 shift, going to therapy weekly, and continued to cut. My bosses knew about my anxiety, and the depression, but only to the point that I suffered, and I managed to cope quite well for the first few months. Cope with the work, and getting there on time, and the people (about 100 worked there, only eight of us were women), the social interaction was the most difficult I think. The job was easy, answering the phones (which I hated, but it got easier over time) and data entry on a system older than me.
After a while it got harder, got to me, and I started to work too hard, doing too much overtime, working loooooong hours, arguing with people, managers. After I had been there three years, I had left therapy (it didn’t help much), on the max dose of Seroxat and on Tegretol to regulate my moods after one of my disagreements with a manager got out of hand, cutting regularly at work, and taking a couple of weeks off work at a time as the depression and anxiety worsened.
The disagreement with the manager (not my direct manager) ended up with me going through disciplinary action at work, and I was lucky I think, because without the Co-Op knowing my history, I don’t think they would’ve understood that it wasn’t necessarily me that blew up that day, but my mental health taking a nose dive. I kept my job and explained that my psychiatrist had put me on more medication. If I hadn’t had told them about my pre-existing mental health conditions, I would’ve been out on my back-side I think, I’d seen people fired for much less than swearing at a manager (and some other things).
I was cutting though, for various reasons. At work, most days. I hid the cutting from people. People knew I had cut, because I went through a good period where I didn’t cut for months and could show people my arms, and the scars. However, once I started cutting again, I hid it well. I’d been cutting for years at this point and was pretty good at it.
My supervisor worried about me, a couple of the managers too, some people stared at the scars, some people avoided looking entirely. It was the same as if I had been walking about in town.
I don’t know if anyone knew I was cutting at work. I hid it, of course, but I was spending a lot of time in the toilets, moving my arms very carefully. No one said anything about the self-harm, if they knew, just like the other aspects of my mental health, the panic attacks and depression.
I had panic attacks at work too from time to time. I would often sit in the managers office (they spent most of their time on the warehouse floor) or in the meeting room, in the quiet, until I calmed down again. I had panic attacks for various reasons, some work-related, some not, some for no reason what so ever.
I had a lot of support at the Co-Op, and when I realised I was doing too much work, I was able to change shifts slightly, and I tried this twice, but it didn’t make a difference. The job was pretty much the same morning or evening, same supervisors, same managers, and while I liked the job, and the people, and the shifts (once I was working sensible hours and not 12 hour days), it didn’t really make much of a difference.
Which is why I don’t work now.
I left the Co-Op officially in April 2010, but stopped working there around October 2009. I was cutting every day, taking non-fatal overdoses (called para-suicide), drinking, panicking regularly and my mood was terrible. Despite the medication, and the therapy I’d had when I started there. I left and went into full time therapy, five days a week, for 12 months at a therapeutic community. I took a chance to try and make a real difference, because I couldn’t keep going on as I was, eventually I would’ve ended up killing myself. It was the best decision I’ve made for years, and now I’m back in Wales, near my family, I rarely drink, I haven’t taken an overdose for over a year and have cut once in 18 months.
Whether I will work again is another matter, I don’t know how well I am, or if I will end up taking huge steps backwards in my mental health. The anxiety and depression are still prevalent, and I’m scared of ending up on some toilet floor cutting again, in the middle of the work day. I would certainly divulge my mental health to prospective employers, as my experience at the Co-Op was quite positive, and I am big believer in talking about mental health problems and trying to reduce the stigma around it all, especially self-harm
This week is Mind Week and this year it’s all about mental health at work.
I started working for the Midlands Co-Op as a temp initially. I had been working in warehouses, sweeping up and doing other manual jobs, cleaning, putting boxes together, things that didn’t really require much effort on my part, but the job at the co-op was in an office, and was for a few months at least. I needed the money, and I figured an office would be warmer (it was November time when I started), plus the hours were 12pm to 8pm so I didn’t have to get up first thing.
It was a good job, lots of sitting around time, and the people were nice, and for a long time I managed as well as I ever did. I was already cutting semi-regularly when I started, and continued to do so. I was also in therapy when I started there, and went every Friday and they were pretty good in letting me go. I had Friday’s off for therapy, and worked the Sunday instead. This continued even after I got the permanent position in the office, and I disclosed some of my mental health problems to my supervisor when I came on board permanently, though I wasn’t sure whether I should or not. My mum said I shouldn’t, because they could refuse me the job, but I figured it wasn’t likely, cause I had been there for three months, had been offered the job, the forms and contracts were a formality.
I worked in the office of their chilled warehouse in Leicester, doing the 12-8 shift, going to therapy weekly, and continued to cut. My bosses knew about my anxiety, and the depression, but only to the point that I suffered, and I managed to cope quite well for the first few months. Cope with the work, and getting there on time, and the people (about 100 worked there, only eight of us were women), the social interaction was the most difficult I think. The job was easy, answering the phones (which I hated, but it got easier over time) and data entry on a system older than me.
After a while it got harder, got to me, and I started to work too hard, doing too much overtime, working loooooong hours, arguing with people, managers. After I had been there three years, I had left therapy (it didn’t help much), on the max dose of Seroxat and on Tegretol to regulate my moods after one of my disagreements with a manager got out of hand, cutting regularly at work, and taking a couple of weeks off work at a time as the depression and anxiety worsened.
The disagreement with the manager (not my direct manager) ended up with me going through disciplinary action at work, and I was lucky I think, because without the Co-Op knowing my history, I don’t think they would’ve understood that it wasn’t necessarily me that blew up that day, but my mental health taking a nose dive. I kept my job and explained that my psychiatrist had put me on more medication. If I hadn’t had told them about my pre-existing mental health conditions, I would’ve been out on my back-side I think, I’d seen people fired for much less than swearing at a manager (and some other things).
I was cutting though, for various reasons. At work, most days. I hid the cutting from people. People knew I had cut, because I went through a good period where I didn’t cut for months and could show people my arms, and the scars. However, once I started cutting again, I hid it well. I’d been cutting for years at this point and was pretty good at it.
My supervisor worried about me, a couple of the managers too, some people stared at the scars, some people avoided looking entirely. It was the same as if I had been walking about in town.
I don’t know if anyone knew I was cutting at work. I hid it, of course, but I was spending a lot of time in the toilets, moving my arms very carefully. No one said anything about the self-harm, if they knew, just like the other aspects of my mental health, the panic attacks and depression.
I had panic attacks at work too from time to time. I would often sit in the managers office (they spent most of their time on the warehouse floor) or in the meeting room, in the quiet, until I calmed down again. I had panic attacks for various reasons, some work-related, some not, some for no reason what so ever.
I had a lot of support at the Co-Op, and when I realised I was doing too much work, I was able to change shifts slightly, and I tried this twice, but it didn’t make a difference. The job was pretty much the same morning or evening, same supervisors, same managers, and while I liked the job, and the people, and the shifts (once I was working sensible hours and not 12 hour days), it didn’t really make much of a difference.
Which is why I don’t work now.
I left the Co-Op officially in April 2010, but stopped working there around October 2009. I was cutting every day, taking non-fatal overdoses (called para-suicide), drinking, panicking regularly and my mood was terrible. Despite the medication, and the therapy I’d had when I started there. I left and went into full time therapy, five days a week, for 12 months at a therapeutic community. I took a chance to try and make a real difference, because I couldn’t keep going on as I was, eventually I would’ve ended up killing myself. It was the best decision I’ve made for years, and now I’m back in Wales, near my family, I rarely drink, I haven’t taken an overdose for over a year and have cut once in 18 months.
Whether I will work again is another matter, I don’t know how well I am, or if I will end up taking huge steps backwards in my mental health. The anxiety and depression are still prevalent, and I’m scared of ending up on some toilet floor cutting again, in the middle of the work day. I would certainly divulge my mental health to prospective employers, as my experience at the Co-Op was quite positive, and I am big believer in talking about mental health problems and trying to reduce the stigma around it all, especially self-harm