(no subject)
So I feel like I need a general post to catch shit up. It’s been, what, 4 months since I last posted?
So I’m moving to Victoria, BC, in January. I’m dropping out of school and moving in with Sam, who is going to Camosun, a college in Victoria. (Note: We are not a couple. We are completely platonic. We have no plans to change this. Just thought I’d kill the suspense for you.)
Seem sudden? It is. How’d I decide to do this? After this thing called a Trust Circle that we do each year at camp that is very emotional and scary and good and inspiring and deep, me and Sam sat down and talked. A comment he made plus the open, honest place I was in - emotionally and physically - got me thinking about how trapped I feel in my current life/situation and how I have no idea what I want and that I just keep putting off my dreams for a later date and that I’m totally letting fear in general and fear of failure and chaos run my life and how this makes me shut off so many of my emotions and also is not letting me grow to my full potential and denying all that I’ve dreamed about since I was 13…
So I ask Sam how I’m going to get out of this mess that I’m in - i.e. my life - and I laugh and say, “I could move in with you.” Joking, people - I was joking. I laughed and then he said, straight-faced, “Well, you could.” And it went from there.
I was really afraid to tell my parents ‘cause I knew I’d be breaking their hearts. I was going to sit them down and tell them on Thursday night when I got home from camp but when me and Sam were riding home (he came home with me for a day after camp) with them in the car, he by accident said, “when we move in” and there was a semi-awkward silence from the front seat and then my mom’s like, “move in, eh?” Except not with the “eh”.
They handled it way better than I thought they would, though. My dad was/is pretty heart broken, but he’s told me a couple times how stoked he is for me…so that really helps. And they’re being totally supportive through all the preparations. I’m very thankful to have them. I told Jess - my sister - today over the phone. She didn’t believe me at first, then started squeaking and cackling/giggling. And then told me that I’m a major babes.
So far, camp has inspired me to:
- finish a jeans-into-mini-skirt I started a while ago out of a pair of Ethan's old pants
- start and finish another of the same - this time out of Rowen's ex-boyfriend's old pants
- start downsizing my posessions - mainly clothes and books so far
- write several emails
- write two letters
- feel really, really physically beautiful
- feel like an adult
- watch less TV
- spend more time sewing, reading, etc - quiet, still things
- make two spur of the moment mix CDs (which rock, by the way)
- put my hair into a fucking sexy faux-hawk
- journal
- listen to myself and strive to exactly what I really, truly want
Todays gold stars go to:
Paige: for emailing me, for existing, for being at camp.
Sam: you know, for just being alive blah blah blah.
Virginia: for pretty much getting me a job, being willing to reach out even though I often push don't reach back, for existing...
Arne: because I can't get you out of my head and I've found that I really like who you are and this isn't a crush or something sexual like that...I just really like you. You're a good person. Thanks for being alive and at camp and you.
I love you.