Becoming Jane
please comment
I just watched Becoming Jane. Wow. Intense and...I hate social class. Really, a great deal. What do you all think of it?
Also, today has been a miserable day. I went to Katherine's at 1 and we watched Into the Wild and that was all very good. I actually had a really good time, which is surprising because I don't often really enjoy being around people - usually I just have a regular time and laugh when I'm supposed to because it feels good.
But then I came home and I think it was all triggered by the bus driver catching me cheating on my transfer. I look for triggers these days, you know, and I think that may have been it. Because life has sucked since then. I was contemplating suicide on the walk home, right after I tried to get on the bus. I got on Pandy's, but it didn't make me feel any better. I tried to find a good online game to whisk my mind away, but also no luck. So then I fried some zucchini and gnocchi and watched Scrubs and Becoming Jane. I still feel miserable.
Sam comes home tomorrow. I left a message asking him to email me when he is coming home and he didn't. That really frustrates me.
I am beginning to realize that I get very little out of my time with Sam if other folks are around. I am not proud of this. Currently, I'm upset with myself about it. But I really want to analyze why. It may just be that I don't like being around people that much. In fact, I'm wondering if part of the reason I don't have friends is because I don't like friends. I think what it comes down to is I want intimacy. I want quiet nights, deep connections, safety, and strong bonds. I have such trouble having a carefree, regular time with someone if I have never been deep with them. And maybe that's what throws me off about being with Sam around others: a mix of the levels of intimacy I've reached with the people around me.
Also, though, it may just be that Sam is who I feel safe with and if he's around, I need to always know he's within reach to grab me before I fall.
I just watched Becoming Jane. Wow. Intense and...I hate social class. Really, a great deal. What do you all think of it?
Also, today has been a miserable day. I went to Katherine's at 1 and we watched Into the Wild and that was all very good. I actually had a really good time, which is surprising because I don't often really enjoy being around people - usually I just have a regular time and laugh when I'm supposed to because it feels good.
But then I came home and I think it was all triggered by the bus driver catching me cheating on my transfer. I look for triggers these days, you know, and I think that may have been it. Because life has sucked since then. I was contemplating suicide on the walk home, right after I tried to get on the bus. I got on Pandy's, but it didn't make me feel any better. I tried to find a good online game to whisk my mind away, but also no luck. So then I fried some zucchini and gnocchi and watched Scrubs and Becoming Jane. I still feel miserable.
Sam comes home tomorrow. I left a message asking him to email me when he is coming home and he didn't. That really frustrates me.
I am beginning to realize that I get very little out of my time with Sam if other folks are around. I am not proud of this. Currently, I'm upset with myself about it. But I really want to analyze why. It may just be that I don't like being around people that much. In fact, I'm wondering if part of the reason I don't have friends is because I don't like friends. I think what it comes down to is I want intimacy. I want quiet nights, deep connections, safety, and strong bonds. I have such trouble having a carefree, regular time with someone if I have never been deep with them. And maybe that's what throws me off about being with Sam around others: a mix of the levels of intimacy I've reached with the people around me.
Also, though, it may just be that Sam is who I feel safe with and if he's around, I need to always know he's within reach to grab me before I fall.