Stop making excuses for my body...
I want to write an essay or a series of essays at some point about body-politics. I want to talk about FAT and why I don't think reclaiming the word is a cool thing; I want to talk about the way that we limit the definitions of our bodies by relying on arbitrary (yet constantly inconsistent) sizing measurements (that define everything above a 12 as 'large'- ever looked at a bell curve?); I want to talk about dieting and the connection to sinning; I want to talk about my body and my sexuality (and the way being non-standardly attractive means I could defer thinking about a whole bunch of things) ; I want to examine the discourses around weight and try to grapple with some of the things that have been bugging me for years (because I think a lot of the problem about body-size issues are about language).
I might have a thyroid condition and I'm going to go and get blood-tested about it. I mean you look at a list of symptoms and I've got 9-10 out of 14 and they're the serious things too like irregular periods (two this year), insomnia, panic attacks, mood swings (just ask anyone I live with), tingling body, fevers and shakes, aches in my legs, sore throat - you know a lot of the things that explain why I've been sick for oh five years. It's this low level thing that puts me out of commission and makes me anti-social. I have issues, like everyone else, about things like depression and the fact that some of this stuff is so much a part of who I am every day that I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. I'm trying to do some things, exciting things, hell like completing a degree *check* and sometimes it's a little frustrating not being able to do as much as cohesively as I like (my memory's kind of fucked a lot of the time, really bad short term thing, my words mix up, I go fuzzy, my grades went substantially down - you could probably track it) and I kind of believe that people aren't like this all the time but I can't remember it and sometimes I just put it down to having an aging body, just like everybody else does (it's why I don't look like I did when I was seventeen (well except for the bit where everyone *still* thinks I'm about twenty-three)).
So what has all this to do with the heading? Well everytime people have mentioned a thyroid condition to me it's been in the context of my body-shape. It's well-meaning sure but it's always gotten my hackles up - it's like, oh it'll be okay that you're (whatever word you think under your breath) because it's a medical condition, which means I haven't bothered looking into it because stfu seriously. Now that someone's mentioned all of the psychological conditions (and it was a random guy at work that has the same panic-attack-in-elevators-with-people), I'm looking into it. I'm not unhappy with my body, I don't care about the body-shape issues because goddamn it I look good, sew my own shit which suits me because I mostly can't buy the stuff I want anyway and I like to be different. Yes, I know.
The second part of this all is the whole diet/eating thing because as well as being able to use medical conditions as a 'defence' or 'excuse' for why my body is the way that it is people keep telling me that if I change my diet or exercise more then (and sometimes it feels like they mean magically) my body will become acceptable. Got to tell y'all something - I actually eat pretty well. Sure there's some indulgence food, but no where near as much as it used to be and enough to make food fun cause I like cooking and I like eating tasty stuff. So the whole dieting/eating/exercising thing has a real world impact sure, but it's also a discursive problem. It seems to me to be used to excuse a person's body by saying - oh they're like that because they're just not doing it right. The problem is that a lot of people who are doing it right still don't look like 'they're supposed to'.
We've all got really different bodies and they're all wonderful. Sometimes they suck because they don't work right (chemically or physically) and sometimes they rock because they're a lot of fun to play with *wink wink* but they really are all different. And that should be OK.
Chani in the library with the j-rock band
T-shirt recon done last year - one of my first. I just wish it actually was guitar wolf instead of just looking like guitar wolf making me slightly uncomfortable to wear it in public because it's a stock image rather than a band shot...
Chani in the Basement with the aircon
My New Years outfit, crafted and designed by me, with steampunk boots and necklace from ivy_says and lycanth 2007/08
Looking at these pictures makes me go: Goddamn it I'm not even large, I'm medium, why is there no definition for medium-sized people? My da keeps saying I'm short and I tower over a bunch of people (like nia7's sisters and Mum) and I'm shorter than a bunch of people. Bet when you meet me most of you don't even notice or remember it! Grrr Argh.
I might have a thyroid condition and I'm going to go and get blood-tested about it. I mean you look at a list of symptoms and I've got 9-10 out of 14 and they're the serious things too like irregular periods (two this year), insomnia, panic attacks, mood swings (just ask anyone I live with), tingling body, fevers and shakes, aches in my legs, sore throat - you know a lot of the things that explain why I've been sick for oh five years. It's this low level thing that puts me out of commission and makes me anti-social. I have issues, like everyone else, about things like depression and the fact that some of this stuff is so much a part of who I am every day that I just have to grit my teeth and get on with it. I'm trying to do some things, exciting things, hell like completing a degree *check* and sometimes it's a little frustrating not being able to do as much as cohesively as I like (my memory's kind of fucked a lot of the time, really bad short term thing, my words mix up, I go fuzzy, my grades went substantially down - you could probably track it) and I kind of believe that people aren't like this all the time but I can't remember it and sometimes I just put it down to having an aging body, just like everybody else does (it's why I don't look like I did when I was seventeen (well except for the bit where everyone *still* thinks I'm about twenty-three)).
So what has all this to do with the heading? Well everytime people have mentioned a thyroid condition to me it's been in the context of my body-shape. It's well-meaning sure but it's always gotten my hackles up - it's like, oh it'll be okay that you're (whatever word you think under your breath) because it's a medical condition, which means I haven't bothered looking into it because stfu seriously. Now that someone's mentioned all of the psychological conditions (and it was a random guy at work that has the same panic-attack-in-elevators-with-people), I'm looking into it. I'm not unhappy with my body, I don't care about the body-shape issues because goddamn it I look good, sew my own shit which suits me because I mostly can't buy the stuff I want anyway and I like to be different. Yes, I know.
The second part of this all is the whole diet/eating thing because as well as being able to use medical conditions as a 'defence' or 'excuse' for why my body is the way that it is people keep telling me that if I change my diet or exercise more then (and sometimes it feels like they mean magically) my body will become acceptable. Got to tell y'all something - I actually eat pretty well. Sure there's some indulgence food, but no where near as much as it used to be and enough to make food fun cause I like cooking and I like eating tasty stuff. So the whole dieting/eating/exercising thing has a real world impact sure, but it's also a discursive problem. It seems to me to be used to excuse a person's body by saying - oh they're like that because they're just not doing it right. The problem is that a lot of people who are doing it right still don't look like 'they're supposed to'.
We've all got really different bodies and they're all wonderful. Sometimes they suck because they don't work right (chemically or physically) and sometimes they rock because they're a lot of fun to play with *wink wink* but they really are all different. And that should be OK.
Chani in the library with the j-rock band
T-shirt recon done last year - one of my first. I just wish it actually was guitar wolf instead of just looking like guitar wolf making me slightly uncomfortable to wear it in public because it's a stock image rather than a band shot...
Chani in the Basement with the aircon
My New Years outfit, crafted and designed by me, with steampunk boots and necklace from ivy_says and lycanth 2007/08
Looking at these pictures makes me go: Goddamn it I'm not even large, I'm medium, why is there no definition for medium-sized people? My da keeps saying I'm short and I tower over a bunch of people (like nia7's sisters and Mum) and I'm shorter than a bunch of people. Bet when you meet me most of you don't even notice or remember it! Grrr Argh.