(no subject)
running away...right now, those words are not the drastic words they sounded like only months ago. my life is filled with stress, and sadness, and disappointment. i can only see a future without the added stress of my parents. my mom is constantly getting on to me about how i go to karate too much. i only go once on the weekdays and once in the weekend. everytime i get home from it she reminds me about how im wasting my time and how i have my priorities mixed up. yes, i know no one wants to read about me whining but im in the worst mood ive been in for a while. i wonder sometimes why my self esteem is so low and why i don't do as well in school as i could. im starting to realize i try and make everyone happy and that's just making me worse. im sick of getting the lower end of the stick all the time. Everything seems to be falling apart and now im even starting to wonder if im going to get into college. i need to get away from my parents and i need to control my own life instead of making everyone else's life better. i used to live by the philosophy of "every little thing you do helps someone" and now i just want to be good at my own life. im always bested by someone and never the best at anything. for example my violin skills lack when compared to hank's, my martial arts skills lack when compared to jason, my school skills lack when compared to everyone, when can i have something? when can i be satisfied with myself instead of watching others better than me. i know i shouldn't run from my problems and i know that this'll end soon enough but i can only wonder, is this how it's going to be in college? am i going to constantly be the dog for someone else? i want my life. i try and i try and i try and im tired of not getting anywhere. my life is miserable with very little things to make me happy. of course there are small things that grant me some sort of freedom like hanging out with my friends but y do i want to just want to lie somewhere and never get up? i can't stand my life anymore and i want to get it over with.