untitled- simple plan

[screamxsuicide]

It's amazing what music can trigger deep down inside of me. This song came on Pandora and i haven't heard it in years. Prob shortly after my father passed away was the last time i listen to it. The pain that resurfaces is somewhat unbearable. This time of the year i think about him a lot. April 8th will make 10 years he has been gone. It amazes me that its been that long. In some ways it feels like longer but at the same time it feels much more like yesterday.  I really can't imagine what my life would be like if he was still alive. I am so curious but more so torn about what he was like. I was 15 but i have blocked out so much from my childhood that i hardly remember who he was. This figure that was sitting in a chair, drinking a beer, watching the history channel hours on end. Everyday was almost the same with minor changes like burning candles or watering the plants. There are days i want to just say "mom what was dad like" i am just not sure i want the answer. There is so much about him that is a mystery to me. He was sick for such a long time that there are no good memories of him only feelings. I remember the way he smelt of Patchouli and old spice, and his hugs as warm as a summer day. Its hard to think of these things with out remembering the bad. One memory comes to mind. Sitting at the kitchen table and for once he was sitting with us instead of in front of the T.V. It breaks my heart to think of this because its not a good memory. He was angry that day and made it very known he didn't want to be at the table. I remember him yelling at me and feeling so broken. This moment was the truth or should i say reality. This was daily life back then. Never calm silence just a volcano of anger and resentment. He was a very broken man. So confused by life and filled with hurt that he was unaware of. I know he spent most of his life holding things from his past against my mother. His life had already been filled with so much tragedy before mother and him where married. Lost his brother at 16, had a daughter with a women who took her away and left him for his best friend. Somewhere along this line he got what he had dreamed of but never realized it. He had a wife who would walk over fire for him, three beautiful children that just wanted to hang out with their dad and a family who was always supportive. The past events stopped him from moving forward and seeing his true happiness.

Ten years,a million tears and a life time of missing you.