dammit, I always think of good titles and then forget them
a few things rolling around in my head.....
I'm really tired of having to think of me. I just want to be able to think of other people and make them happy. But that's my problem.... I kinda do do that and then I find myself in a bout of depression. I often find myself in a situation where I'm doing everything to make the other person happy and they aren't doing that for me. I'd just rather make someone else smile than make myself smile. Ok, that's really fucked up huh? I was talking to my friend Autumn about that... she's the same way. She just told me that I have to make me happy and be selfish sometimes.... (I HATE selfishness and it's really hard for me to do).... and then she kissed me on the forehead. I love that girl. She's one person who I really feel gets me and when I hang out with her I feel like I'm a good person. We'd make an awesome lesbian couple.
ugh I hate talking about that shit cause then I feel like people think that I think that I'm better than them.... but really I'd rather be that person who makes themself happy and fuck everyone else. I just don't know how to be that person. I've tried and this is what I found.... when I try to just make myself happy then I'm not fully happy cause I love making other people happy. It's a double edged blade. Are you following me at all here?
anyways....
the other thing floating in my head is that I've realized I fall in love with guys that are socialites. They get self esteem from having lots of friends and being liked by everyone. They are popular and love going out and talking to people. As for me... I'm an invert. So I clash with them on that aspect. But the thing I have in common with them is the fact that I get self esteem from others too. I just focus on having a few friends (probably cause of my anxiety) and doing stuff to make them happy. When I make them happy, it makes me happy cause they like me and allow me to get close to them. When someone allows you to connect with them, it's a huge compliment. That's another clashing aspect of personalities... I love connecting with people on a more personal level than the popular/social type that I fall in love with. But that need for acceptance is still there.
wow... I've just dove way too in depth and got way too personal. I'm starting to think too much. Time to go watch mind numbing TV and take a nap.
I'm really tired of having to think of me. I just want to be able to think of other people and make them happy. But that's my problem.... I kinda do do that and then I find myself in a bout of depression. I often find myself in a situation where I'm doing everything to make the other person happy and they aren't doing that for me. I'd just rather make someone else smile than make myself smile. Ok, that's really fucked up huh? I was talking to my friend Autumn about that... she's the same way. She just told me that I have to make me happy and be selfish sometimes.... (I HATE selfishness and it's really hard for me to do).... and then she kissed me on the forehead. I love that girl. She's one person who I really feel gets me and when I hang out with her I feel like I'm a good person. We'd make an awesome lesbian couple.
ugh I hate talking about that shit cause then I feel like people think that I think that I'm better than them.... but really I'd rather be that person who makes themself happy and fuck everyone else. I just don't know how to be that person. I've tried and this is what I found.... when I try to just make myself happy then I'm not fully happy cause I love making other people happy. It's a double edged blade. Are you following me at all here?
anyways....
the other thing floating in my head is that I've realized I fall in love with guys that are socialites. They get self esteem from having lots of friends and being liked by everyone. They are popular and love going out and talking to people. As for me... I'm an invert. So I clash with them on that aspect. But the thing I have in common with them is the fact that I get self esteem from others too. I just focus on having a few friends (probably cause of my anxiety) and doing stuff to make them happy. When I make them happy, it makes me happy cause they like me and allow me to get close to them. When someone allows you to connect with them, it's a huge compliment. That's another clashing aspect of personalities... I love connecting with people on a more personal level than the popular/social type that I fall in love with. But that need for acceptance is still there.
wow... I've just dove way too in depth and got way too personal. I'm starting to think too much. Time to go watch mind numbing TV and take a nap.