people keep saying, "be careful with your heart."
Meaghan and I were talking once and I said there was something I felt was right, but it wasn't the thing that, in my heart, I wanted. She said that, in essence, intellectualizing these things are all well and good, but that I would probably do the thing I wanted to do, even if it wasn't smart. A couple weeks ago I got a postcard from Ciara that said, "You only learn the things you want to learn."
There's some really great stuff in my life - awesome roommates, a great living situation, school in a month, some really supportive friends, a loving family, and just the presence to know when things are good. There have been some, dare I say, tranformative and transcendent occasions of recent. I am excited for the birth of my nephews and Kate's son. I am stoked to be training for the 5K even though I have a way to go. Kayaking is the peaceful and solitary activity for which I had been searching.
My friends are usually there to listen when I am in crisis.
Also, some of the shit from the past has been clearing itself away. Some people are just jokes. I hate how I hold onto relationships when they aren't working for me. If I have a problem with someone I try to be as honest as I can. I remember Betty saying something she appreciated about me when we met is that she heard I made fun of her hair. When she confronted me on it I said, "yes. i made fun of your hair out of a sense of jealous." Wow! Admitting when you are wrong, even if you aren't going to be rewarded, is such an experience. By rewarded I mean forgiven.
Lately I have been thinking about that summer awhile ago and how it's easy to think of the bad stuff. It is near impossible to think of the quiet moments or the victories because they make me mourn them even more. Seriously, even writing this and thinking about those nights is making me a little teary.
I always give some bullshit answer when people ask about my apathy tattoo. Not many people do though. I remember when I got it. I think I got it after my "fifty percent" so at the time I didn't have many tattoos (only 2 on that arm, including apathy) and it was my only tattoo in color. It bled ink for weeks, sticking to my sheets and reminding me of why I got it. This girl said we were so "whatever, apathetic." It wasn't apathy that sparked two years of silence. Ambivalence did it.
There's some really great stuff in my life - awesome roommates, a great living situation, school in a month, some really supportive friends, a loving family, and just the presence to know when things are good. There have been some, dare I say, tranformative and transcendent occasions of recent. I am excited for the birth of my nephews and Kate's son. I am stoked to be training for the 5K even though I have a way to go. Kayaking is the peaceful and solitary activity for which I had been searching.
My friends are usually there to listen when I am in crisis.
Also, some of the shit from the past has been clearing itself away. Some people are just jokes. I hate how I hold onto relationships when they aren't working for me. If I have a problem with someone I try to be as honest as I can. I remember Betty saying something she appreciated about me when we met is that she heard I made fun of her hair. When she confronted me on it I said, "yes. i made fun of your hair out of a sense of jealous." Wow! Admitting when you are wrong, even if you aren't going to be rewarded, is such an experience. By rewarded I mean forgiven.
Lately I have been thinking about that summer awhile ago and how it's easy to think of the bad stuff. It is near impossible to think of the quiet moments or the victories because they make me mourn them even more. Seriously, even writing this and thinking about those nights is making me a little teary.
I always give some bullshit answer when people ask about my apathy tattoo. Not many people do though. I remember when I got it. I think I got it after my "fifty percent" so at the time I didn't have many tattoos (only 2 on that arm, including apathy) and it was my only tattoo in color. It bled ink for weeks, sticking to my sheets and reminding me of why I got it. This girl said we were so "whatever, apathetic." It wasn't apathy that sparked two years of silence. Ambivalence did it.