D to the X-treme in H-town
You may want to listen to dueling banjos whilst reading this week’s installment of D’s Life: Boredom to the X-Treme. This past week I had the pleasure of being invited to the drunk-redneck (I know that’s redundant) capital of New York State, Heuvelton (yes that’s spelt correctly {they were drunk when they came up with the name}). How do you pronounce that you may ask? To pronounce it correctly I’d have to rip out your tongue, but in case you’re unwilling to do so I’ll help you out a little. Heu like hue of a color, vel like velveeta without the veeta (yes, that’s odd that I’m using a cheese reference even though it is my arch-nemesis) and ton like ton. Guess what I saw whilst I was there? Rednecks, cows, drunken rednecks, drunken cows, Amish people, Amish buggies, (no drunken Amish, they’re harder to catch than a box of Trix {if you were the Trix Rabbit}), and a barn raising. I thought that the knee-slapping, banjo-playing, straw-hat-wearing, luxurious-beard-growing event was a myth to convert us “norms” to the glorious world of buggies and bonnets, but I was proved wrong. It was quite interesting to sit and watch them in their natural habitat. Joe and I pulled to the side of the road for a couple pictures; we decided that they may not like this invasion that much…especially when we pulled out the lawn-chairs and case of beer. Enough of about the Amish, I enjoyed myself thoroughly while we were visiting Joe’s hometown. We golfed (that’s all I’ll say about that debacle); hung out with some of his family and friends; and hit up the local bar. We ended up hanging out with his cousin and a couple of her friends that I had met a couple years back in the old Riverpointe days…(insert dream clouds)…
Flashback 2 years ago
Joe invites his cousin and a couple of her friends to hang out. It just happens to be C.A.R.E. (first weekend before school starts, I believe the acronym stands for “Cannabis, Alcohol, Random-sexual-partners, Everyone’s-invited” {yes, even you}) weekend at NU (Niagara University). We get a bunch of people together, there’s room for everyone in my posse (I said posse) and head over to the party. Everyone gets wasted including Joe’s cousin and friends (now to be referred to as H-town Posse), did I fail to mention that they’re 16 and getting hit on by college seniors? Big black dudes? (Not that I’m racist, far from it. But I know their parents are and I think they would’ve handed Joe over to the Amish community…just imagine Joe with one of those straw-hats and a long beard….is that scary that I can actually see Joe like that?) So after several drinks the H-town Posse is wasted. The one girl is hornier than the entire town of Heuvelton (I realize half the population was at the party, but the other 4 residents are lonely old men). She first tries hitting on me (this actually happened, I’m not making it up to boost my self-esteem) I brush her off with my rippling biceps and tell her I’m with another girl that was currently recovering from dental surgery. Her reaction? Hey there’s another guy over there… She now picks another dude with a girlfriend and proceeds to basically dry-hump him on our front lawn. Since this guy was attending our party and we don’t stand for that kind of crap, Steve decided to intervene with a little bit of counseling. He dumped a bucket of water on them.
Drunk girl: OMIGOD!!! IJUSTBOUGHTTHESECLOTHESTODAYANDNOWTHEY’RERUINED!!
Somebody else: Calm down it’s just water, a third of the equation of washing clothes. (Dirty clothes + soap + water = Clean clothes).
Pouting and going upstairs to Steve’s room, she removes all of her clothes minus her thong and prances around the room (not that I witnessed it, but I heard about it later). Once she is contained we round up the rest of the H-town Posse and bring them back to Joe’s. Since Joe had a couple of drinks and underage girls with him, Mikey and I followed them to insure Joe’s safety. When we arrive we sit in his living room with the H-town Posse. The hornier-than-Heuvelton girl proceeds to poke Mikey’s dealy and says “penis”. Mike does nothing (you lose points Mikey, when a girl touches your dealy willingly, you should take advantage {just joking Mikey, I respect the not taking advantage of a drunk chick}). Joe’s cousin is beyond wasted; she eventually passes out and pees her pants on Joe’s floor. And I believe that during the middle of the night the hornier-than-Heuvelton girl jumps in Joe’s bed. Everyone’s happy…(Dream clouds dissipate)…
Back to present time:
Wow, that was a long flashback. So now these girls are 2 years older, and still underage…even in Canada. We head up to the local bar and have many a beer. I am eventually challenged to a game of pool by the hornier-than-Heuvelton girl and I trounce her in three turns (I showed that drunk-18-year-old! Take that biatch!). It was great, Joe’s best friend was the bartender and we drank late into the night for almost nothing. A good majority of the night was filled with making fun of one of the H-town Posse’s boyfriend’s name. I felt bad for this dude; his parents must’ve had something against him before he was even born. I don’t know if I should tell you what his whole name is but it included “Rose” and “Lyn”. My guess is that they thought it was a girl but when he came out they were like, “Oh…it’s a boy. Eh, let’s just keep the name. Seriously how many people are going to make fun of him at bars”. The answer at least 5. I do apologize to this dude, if it’s any consolation I’m not a fan of my name either. After the bar closed we ended smoking Cubans, expensive Cubans. This added to my buzz and after we got to Joe’s place his buddy asked if anyone wanted another beer at his place. Very rarely will I ever turn down another beer, so I ended up going with him and a couple of his friends without Joe and the H-town posse. We sat around and talked for about an hour, but I had to leave when I realized the conversation turned redneck on me.
Redneck #1: (Directed towards Redneck #2) So I gotta know, did you sleep with your girlfriends mother too?
D: That’s it I’m outta here…
I wasn’t about to wait around for the follow-up questions including sleeping with his girlfriend’s farm animals. Overall I had a good time and some interesting stories to tell. Hope you enjoyed this installment of D’s Live Journal, until next time, smell ya later. Here’s something to ponder and fill the void in your lives during the absence of the journal. My birthday's a month from yesterday, my birthday wish is for you (that's right you) to comment something in my journal. I've tried to enrich your lives through my journal now it's your turn...
Flashback 2 years ago
Joe invites his cousin and a couple of her friends to hang out. It just happens to be C.A.R.E. (first weekend before school starts, I believe the acronym stands for “Cannabis, Alcohol, Random-sexual-partners, Everyone’s-invited” {yes, even you}) weekend at NU (Niagara University). We get a bunch of people together, there’s room for everyone in my posse (I said posse) and head over to the party. Everyone gets wasted including Joe’s cousin and friends (now to be referred to as H-town Posse), did I fail to mention that they’re 16 and getting hit on by college seniors? Big black dudes? (Not that I’m racist, far from it. But I know their parents are and I think they would’ve handed Joe over to the Amish community…just imagine Joe with one of those straw-hats and a long beard….is that scary that I can actually see Joe like that?) So after several drinks the H-town Posse is wasted. The one girl is hornier than the entire town of Heuvelton (I realize half the population was at the party, but the other 4 residents are lonely old men). She first tries hitting on me (this actually happened, I’m not making it up to boost my self-esteem) I brush her off with my rippling biceps and tell her I’m with another girl that was currently recovering from dental surgery. Her reaction? Hey there’s another guy over there… She now picks another dude with a girlfriend and proceeds to basically dry-hump him on our front lawn. Since this guy was attending our party and we don’t stand for that kind of crap, Steve decided to intervene with a little bit of counseling. He dumped a bucket of water on them.
Drunk girl: OMIGOD!!! IJUSTBOUGHTTHESECLOTHESTODAYANDNOWTHEY’RERUINED!!
Somebody else: Calm down it’s just water, a third of the equation of washing clothes. (Dirty clothes + soap + water = Clean clothes).
Pouting and going upstairs to Steve’s room, she removes all of her clothes minus her thong and prances around the room (not that I witnessed it, but I heard about it later). Once she is contained we round up the rest of the H-town Posse and bring them back to Joe’s. Since Joe had a couple of drinks and underage girls with him, Mikey and I followed them to insure Joe’s safety. When we arrive we sit in his living room with the H-town Posse. The hornier-than-Heuvelton girl proceeds to poke Mikey’s dealy and says “penis”. Mike does nothing (you lose points Mikey, when a girl touches your dealy willingly, you should take advantage {just joking Mikey, I respect the not taking advantage of a drunk chick}). Joe’s cousin is beyond wasted; she eventually passes out and pees her pants on Joe’s floor. And I believe that during the middle of the night the hornier-than-Heuvelton girl jumps in Joe’s bed. Everyone’s happy…(Dream clouds dissipate)…
Back to present time:
Wow, that was a long flashback. So now these girls are 2 years older, and still underage…even in Canada. We head up to the local bar and have many a beer. I am eventually challenged to a game of pool by the hornier-than-Heuvelton girl and I trounce her in three turns (I showed that drunk-18-year-old! Take that biatch!). It was great, Joe’s best friend was the bartender and we drank late into the night for almost nothing. A good majority of the night was filled with making fun of one of the H-town Posse’s boyfriend’s name. I felt bad for this dude; his parents must’ve had something against him before he was even born. I don’t know if I should tell you what his whole name is but it included “Rose” and “Lyn”. My guess is that they thought it was a girl but when he came out they were like, “Oh…it’s a boy. Eh, let’s just keep the name. Seriously how many people are going to make fun of him at bars”. The answer at least 5. I do apologize to this dude, if it’s any consolation I’m not a fan of my name either. After the bar closed we ended smoking Cubans, expensive Cubans. This added to my buzz and after we got to Joe’s place his buddy asked if anyone wanted another beer at his place. Very rarely will I ever turn down another beer, so I ended up going with him and a couple of his friends without Joe and the H-town posse. We sat around and talked for about an hour, but I had to leave when I realized the conversation turned redneck on me.
Redneck #1: (Directed towards Redneck #2) So I gotta know, did you sleep with your girlfriends mother too?
D: That’s it I’m outta here…
I wasn’t about to wait around for the follow-up questions including sleeping with his girlfriend’s farm animals. Overall I had a good time and some interesting stories to tell. Hope you enjoyed this installment of D’s Live Journal, until next time, smell ya later. Here’s something to ponder and fill the void in your lives during the absence of the journal. My birthday's a month from yesterday, my birthday wish is for you (that's right you) to comment something in my journal. I've tried to enrich your lives through my journal now it's your turn...