Rage (Scott/Logan)
Title: Rage
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Summary: Scott's nightmares are progressing after he's been immersed in survivors guilt in grieving Jean. When it's clear that Scott's had more than he can take Logan steps in to try to help Scott find a way to deal with the demons of his past.
Notes: I started this one a long time ago and noticed it when I was going through some works. I figured I would post it in case anyone was interested in it. The story incorporates some of Scott's past nightmares during the time of X-Men: Origins to some degree. I'm not sure where it might lead or if I should continue with a little more of it, but if anyone is interested let me know :)
“Please don’t go….stop. Jean!,” Scott screamed shooting up from his bed covered in sweat. While he knew he was safe in his bed, away from the nightmare, the feeling lingered, hanging over him like a black cloud. He couldn’t escape it. He’d tried again and again, but it was useless. The nightmare wouldn’t leave. Since he’d lost Jean the dreams were getting stronger, more vivid and detailed taking him from his mourning to something darker, something his subconscious had begged him to forget. He’d wished it hadn’t returned to him, hoped that his mind would’ve kept the memory out, but wishes didn’t make it true. Now he was left to face the reality his brain had begged him to forget.
Pushing the blankets away from his legs, Scott couldn’t help, but find his pajamas soaked with sweat. He was dripping from head to toe, unable to shake the nausea that carried over him. If he hadn’t been wearing his visor to bed, he was certain he would’ve blown a hole in the ceiling with his rage. His head pounded uncontrollably, his mouth dry and scratchy from the screams he was certain he’d been throwing out in his nightmare. Normally he would have reason to be concerned, to fear who might hear him, but most everyone else had left on a mission while many of the students were on an overnight field trip. He was alone, something he’d gotten more accustomed to doing after he’d lost Jean. People tended to leave him alone, to give him space and time to ‘sort it out’ as everyone had kept saying to him. The truth was he hadn’t needed to sort it out. He hadn’t wanted to wallow in self-pity, but it was all that there was left. He’d failed Jean, failed himself and now with the nightmares returning, he knew that he was broken.
Opting to make the most of being awake at such an hour, Scott decided to head down to the Danger Room preparing to immerse himself in something to keep his mind away from the past. If he could just forget those memories again, then he’d be fine. He could simply push forward, returning to the stoic leader of the X-Men team, not wallow in misery over the broken boy he once was. It was the past. The past couldn’t haunt him, couldn’t hurt him as long as he ignored what was happening. He could pretend it wasn’t real, that he hadn’t experienced it. He could just do as he always did in putting on a false front with them never knowing just what he’d endured. Hell, for a while he’d convinced himself that it hadn’t happened, so perhaps in time he would be able to let the others believe it too. He wouldn’t show them how horribly tattered his subconscious was. Stepping into the room, Scott realized he hadn’t even bothered to change. In his haste to get away from his bed, from the nightmares, he’d still been in his pajamas, still drenched from head to toe before the workout began.
“To hell with it,” he decided peeling his button down pajama shirt from his body. No one was around to bother him, so he didn’t need to be prim and proper. He could be as ruthless and aggressive as he wanted to be, not bothering to focus on the rules. He could just let loose on his anger, on the nightmares and be done with it.
Beginning the simulation, Scott began to try to focus on something else, on anything, but the vivid imagery in the back of his mind. If he could only forget, if only he could ignore what was happening to him in losing Jean. If only…
“You aren’t going to get out of this so easily,” a snarl promised when Scott found himself pinned to the ground. His eyes were closed tightly, wishing like hell that the nightmare wasn’t happening, but it was. Razor sharp claws dug at the side of his face, tracing over his eyelids in a menacing fashion. He gulped down, a whimper building in the back of his throat. If only he could control it. If only he could open his eyes and blast the predator off of him, but he was helpless, frozen in the moment.
“Please don’t do this,” Scott begged of his captor. He could sense the weight of the larger man’s body upon his, crushing him into the cold, stone floor that surrounded him. Scott’s fingers were pressed into one of the dips in the pavement, his hand crunching down with the movement of the man upon him. A lump formed in his throat, his heart pounding furiously when the man’s claw eased in over the side of Scott’s neck breaking the skin. Scott whimpered, too afraid to be bold. The monster over him sniffed, drawing in the faint aroma of terror that emanated off of Scott.
“You are in no position to be making demands of me,” he snarled, leaning forward to sniff at the side of Scott’s neck, savoring the scent of the blood he’d extracted from Scott.
Scott whimpered again, feeling the bile in the back of his throat, the repulsion building inside of him when the man’s oversized form crushed Scott further into the floor. The claw continued to dig into Scott’s flesh, drawing a line over the side of his neck until Scott cried out in pain.
“Please don’t…” Scott panted desperately, his worry causing him to hyperventilate beneath the monster that had taken him away from the life he’d known.
“Don’t,” he laughed wildly, his voice dark, raspy and menacing, “I think I like the sound of that. Say it again.”
“Don’t hurt me,” Scott begged, struggling to break free of the hold the man had over him. He could feel the amusement in the man’s tone, the wail of excitement bristling over the man’s every synapse until finally the claw pulled out from his flesh.
“Hurt you,” he repeated softening his tone and giving Scott a moment of pause, “do you really believe that’s what I want?”
“I don’t know what you want, but please I beg of you, don’t do this. Just let me go. Please let me…” Scott started desperately, his worries mounting in the silence that surrounded him. “Let me go. I’ll do whatever you want, but please…”
“Oh you’ll do what I want alright,” a thick, oversized hand pressed down over the back of Scott’s neck, squeezing in a harsh, aggressive movement, “that much I’m sure of. I’m going to make you bleed for me.”
Scott gulped, his worries growing when the claw sliced into his flesh, tearing at his skin in a predatory fashion. Scott tried to push himself up on his elbows, to slide out and away from the man above him, but he was too strong. He was too powerful and as Scott felt the man casually slice at his neck again to further expose Scott’s now bleeding, vulnerable flesh, he knew he had to escape.
“Please…” Scott’s lower lip quivered, his mind bristling with fear. It took everything he had in him not to break into sobs, to crumble to pieces with his captor over him, touching him and tormenting him with those nails. Still, when he felt the man bite down on his shoulder, hand pushing into his neck roughly, Scott found the courage to fight back. He pushed his hands harder on the pavement determined to escape or die trying before he’d allow the man to take him to the nightmare waiting for him against his will. Death had been his greatest fear, but now with the man hovering over him threatening to tear him to pieces, Scott knew it wouldn’t end well.
“I’m really going to enjoy this,” the predator promised seizing Scott’s neck in an iron clad grip in an attempt to further intimidate Scott in his youth.
“No,” Scott shouted, feeling a surge of strength overtake him. He kicked his leg out, slamming it into his captor’s body. The movement was unexpected, sending the monster back into the wall with an explosive sound. It was all the motivation Scott needed to bounce up to his feet, to charge in the direction he’d remembered being pulled in--all in the hopes of escape. He tried to stay focused, to remember the path he’d imprinted in his mind, but his fear was blocking him. His terror was keeping him from knowing it completely when the stone beneath him tore into his bare feet. He was uncertain, not sure of his escape route, but when he heard the explosive scream from behind him, he knew not to look back. He had to keep running, to keep fighting for his freedom. He could smell salt water in the air. There was a breeze coming from the left. Turning to the left he started to sprint away, knowing escape was his only option. However, with the monster closing in upon him, he knew there was only one alternative, one way to free himself.
Taking in a breath, Scott stopped doing his best to ignore all the warning signals in his mind telling him that this was wrong. He had to find freedom and even if it meant doing the thing he was most terrified of, he would fight to have it. He had to break free. Clenching his hands into fists at his sides, he willed himself to open his eyes, to send the painful blasts shooting out from his body with a loud wailing boom. His head was pounding, eyes exploding with power and just when he thought he’d met his target, he felt a thunderous crash upon him taking him down to the floor.
“You son of a bitch!” the monster shouter, slicing into Scott’s chest. The nails dug deeper, twisting and grinding until Scott began to sob. He attempted to open his eyes again only to feel the man over him.
“I’ll rip your chest out if you even think about it,” his captor warned rendering him helpless all over again. This time there was more rage, more need for humiliation and degradation. Scott had tried to free himself and failed, now with blood in the back of his throat, he realized he was resigned to his fate. Now with the man clawing and tearing into his flesh, he realized that the only thing he could wish for to set him free was death.
Returning to the moment Scott banished the thought of what was next when Stryker arrived to take him away to that dehumanizing facility. He didn’t want to think about the horrors he’d endured in captivity, or the way that he hadn’t been able to defend himself against all of their experimentation. The sheer humiliation of it all was too much, too painful to face ever again. He couldn’t go back there not now, not ever.
******
Logan had heard the screams, he’d been hearing them each and every night since Jean’s death. He knew everyone else had been hearing them as well, but no one had wanted to step in and embarrass their fearless leader when it was clear he was anything, but the pillar of strength they’d expected him to be. Then again perhaps that was part of why they’d stayed away. Perhaps they were afraid in seeing him without hope, without reason that they too would lose their way. Logan, on the other hand, wasn’t afraid to see the demons that haunted Scott as he’d experienced them himself time and time again. He knew of the nightmares, of the emotions that were beyond a man’s control. They were brutal, intense, but certainly not something to be dealt with on your own.
Perhaps that was why Logan had followed Scott to the Danger Room. Yes, it hadn’t been his intention, but upon seeing Scott emerge from his bedroom looking like hell, Logan couldn’t help, but follow. Even if he wasn’t the person that Summers would dream of turning to, Logan wanted to make sure Summers didn’t do something stupid like hurt himself in his stoic quest to take on the weight of the world by himself. With everyone gone, Logan decided that it couldn’t be all that bad if he was keeping a watch on Scott. Hell, maybe someone would thank him in the future. Okay, so he doubted it, but at the same time he couldn’t turn away.
Now seeing Scott beating the life out of himself in the Danger Room Logan could sense something was horribly wrong. Scott went from pounding the hell out of everything, to screaming and sobbing--shaking with the kind of pain that caused Logan’s skin to crawl. It was in those bellows of broken misery that Logan realized he hated what he saw before him. Cyke had always been someone to tease, someone to get going, but in seeing him crumbling before him, Logan knew it wasn’t what he wanted to ever witness again. Quietly he walked further into the Danger Room, shaken by the overwhelming scent of Scott’s grief when Scott dropped to the floor breaking to pieces before him.
“Scott,” Logan spoke up softly, hoping Summers wouldn’t mistake Logan for the object of his rage and turn his wrath on him. However, Scott was too consumed by his misery, too wrapped up in the depths of his pain that he hadn’t made a move to address Logan when Logan crouched down beside him.
“Scott,” Logan began again, seeing Summers trembling on the floor, half naked and sobbing uncontrollably, “hey…”
“Why didn’t they just kill me?” Scott groaned, unable to escape whatever was haunting him in the moment. His visor had fallen from his face in the drop to the floor, but his eyes were clenched together tightly, refusing to reveal their power.
“Who?” Logan asked reaching out in a tentative movement. He touched Scott’s bare shoulder feeling the sweat soak into his own skin. At first Scott flinched, a terrified shudder overtaking him, but when Logan spoke up again Scott returned to his tears balling up on the floor before him.
“I should’ve fought back harder, should’ve been stronger. I should have seen they were waiting to blindside me again Logan. I knew what they were capable, but I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t in control of what was happening and now…” Scott bellowed again and again, not making any sense to Logan, “They forced me to fight her…to injure her before she left us. If I hadn’t been under their control, then…”
While Logan and Scott had always had exchanged teasing barbs with one another, Logan couldn’t help, but admit he’d always admired Scott. There was a regal quality that Scott possessed and even if Logan had mocked him, it was Scott’s strength that had inspired Logan to continue changing his life’s path. Now, however, as Logan watched Scott coming undone, he found he hated to be a part of it. He hated to see the younger man endure so much agony.
“It’s okay,” Logan whispered awkwardly, hoping to find some means of comforting Scott, “It’s going to be alright.”
“No,” Scott tipped his head up, eyes still closed tightly while tears burned down his face, “it’s not going to be okay. It’s never going to be okay again Logan.”
“Yes it will,” Logan scooted in closer to Scott, knowing it was a risk, but one he would take if it helped pull him from his misery. Logan stretched his arm out, touching Scott’s shoulder again. This time Scott attempted to punch at Logan, to push him away, but he’d staggered in the process dropping to the ground in a heap.
“Summers, I’m not going to hurt you,” Logan whispered soothingly. Despite his better judgment, Logan scooped Scott up into his arms, half expecting Scott to knock his head off with the rage he’d been channeling earlier. Only this time Scott simply collapsed in his arms, a mere shadow of his former self. Tiny whimpers poured out from Scott’s lips, but what followed next threw Logan for a loop. In all of the things Logan had anticipated, none of them had ended with Scott burying his head in Logan’s chest and seeking out comfort from Logan all over again as he had the day Jean died.
“Let’s get you out of here,” Logan whispered soothingly, hoping to coax whatever was tormenting Scott out of his mind long enough to help Scott find a good night’s sleep.
“I can’t go back to my room,” Scott bellowed, his voice raw and scratchy, “not tonight.”
“Fine,” Logan decided with a small breath taking a new direction with Scott in his arms, “you can come with me back to mine.”
“Logan, you can’t…” Scott spoke up weakly, “you can’t tell anyone about any of this. If they had any idea that I’m so out of control right now…”
“This stays between us Cyke,” Logan agreed knowing only too well that whatever was happening with Scott was something that neither of them were truly prepared for. However, given how hard Scott had worked to isolate himself from everyone else including the Professor, Logan knew full well there were no other options. Scott was holding onto sanity by a thread and even if it meant stepping into the role of listener, which was something Logan hadn’t readily embraced, then so be it. He wasn’t about to let Scott crumble to pieces and leave them as Jean had. The very thought caused Logan’s chest to tighten up, his heart to ache and as he carried Scott silently to his room, he realized that in that moment nothing mattered more to him, then making sure that Scott found his way back from the darkness.
Xxxxx
Wrapping his arms around Scott, Logan couldn’t help, but feel the weight of the world on his shoulders now that Scott seemed to be caught up in an endless series of sobs. It was enough to break his heart when his fingers smoothed out over Scott’s back keeping Scott close to him. Although neither man would readily embrace the other in the waking hours, with Scott shivering and terrified, Logan knew he couldn’t step aside. He couldn’t keep a distance when it was clear that Scott was hurting in ways neither one of them could speak out in Scott’s silent torment.
“I’m such a fool,” Scott whispered in between broken sobs, “if I was only stronger…if I only could have…”
“None of us could’ve changed the outcome of what happened,” Logan squeezed his arm around Scott tighter, finding it oddly comforting for himself in holding Scott beside him. On some level he had wanted to simply write it off as doing something for the team--as doing something to help everyone get back to where they were meant to be--to make up for the loss of Jeanie, but there was more to it. Then again there always was when Logan was near Scott. Sure, he’d let the world believe that Jean was always his intended mark, but Scott was just as intoxicating, just as powerful to his senses whenever he was near. Hell, that time in the jet when they’d both been consumed with grief, Logan had never wanted to take care of another person more than he had with Scott. He’d never wished that he could ease another’s pain as much as he did when Scott fell to pieces in his arms.
“I’ve always been weak,” Scott sobbed into Logan’s bare chest, not bothering to censor that pain that carried over him, “I should’ve saved her. I wish I could’ve…”
“None of us could’ve done anything differently,” Logan attempted to sooth Scott’s tears.
“You could have,” Scott confessed painfully, allowing the realization to sink in. “If you were in charge, she would still be here. She’d still be alive and…”
“There’s nothing that I could’ve done that you hadn’t already tried,” Logan answered honestly feeling the weight of Scott’s tears upon him.
“You’ve always been so strong and I’ve been…” Scott paused allowing the disgust to carry over him, “weak.”
“Weak?” Logan repeated hearing Scott’s tone dripping with self-loathing, “No Scott, you’ve never been weak. You’re strong and…”
“No,” Scott replied somberly, “I’ve always been a farce. From the moment Charles brought me here the only thing anyone felt for me was pity. They saw what a coward I truly was, but…”
“You are far from being a coward Scott Summers,” Logan frowned as he twisted onto his side in his bed to face the man who had come to hold his respect and furthermore carried a great importance in his life, “When I look at you that’s the last thing I see…”
“That’s because I’ve been good at putting up a false front Logan,” Scott sighed behind a shivering exhale, “I pretend that nothing gets to me, that it’s all something that I can deal with so that the others aren’t afraid, but I’m…I’m broken.”
“It know it feels that way after what happened with Jeanie, but…” Logan attempted to reach out to Scott once again. He touched the side of Scott’s face anticipating a recoil when Scott realized that Logan had overstepped his boundaries, but instead Scott simply sighed and leaned into his touch, welcoming the embrace.
“It’s not just about her,” Scott divulged with a deep color rising over his beautifully sculpted features, “It’s about everything. It’s about what happened at Stryker’s facility then and now…”
“Then?” Logan repeated giving Scott a long, curious look.
Scott tensed up and hesitated before exhaling once again. He raised his chin up, keeping his eyes closed as Logan had placed Scott’s visor on the nightstand beside his bed upon their arrival to Logan’s room. He could see the lines of tension in Scott’s face stealing his youth from him in the moments of torture he’d undoubtedly carried in his subconscious.
“Right before Charles found me I was taken,” Scott divulged when a shudder carried over him, “I was very young at the time and just discovering my powers. It made me naïve and…”
“What happened?” Logan questioned sliding his fingers into Scott’s thick, dark hair when Scott seemed to ease into the touch.
“Stryker’s men found me at my school,” Scott tensed up at the thought that carried upon his lips, “He sent people after me--more specifically a very powerful mutant named Victor Creed.”
“Victor,” Logan repeated when Scott tensed up beside him.
“Sabretooth,” Scott clarified drawing in a breath, “and back then he was even more reckless and out for blood. When he blindsided me at my school he attacked me, tearing at my flesh and…”
“Scott?” Logan half questioned when Scott let out a long, uneasy breath.
“He found torment to be a fun form of torture,” Scott revealed with a pained expression on his face, “so much so that the day they took me captive I was convinced he was going to kill me, but he didn’t. I know he wanted to, but…”
“But what?” Logan watched as all the color drained from Scott’s face.
“Stryker stopped him from following through on whatever it was he might’ve had planned for me,” Scott confessed behind gritted teeth, “but the others weren’t as fortunate. The things that happened to them when I was held captive--to what they did to all of us…”
“Stryker…he took you?” Logan’s face dropped in realization as Scott trembled beside him.
Scott nodded, “I didn’t know who he was then, but it all became clear to me after they blindsided us Logan. When they took me back to Stryker’s facility and took away my control…it all came rushing back to me. I could remember clearly the things that they did to our kind. I could hear them suffering, could feel their pain all around me when they would take me for testing. I heard so many of them in agony, but I couldn’t save them. I was too afraid--I was so scared of what was going to happen to me so much so that I shut down. I failed them then just like I failed Jean.”
“Scott, you didn’t fail Jean,” Logan reached out to touch the side of Scott’s face, “Regardless of how it feels, she made her choice and…”
“Her choice was wrong,” Scott snapped back at him. He stiffened at Logan’s side before taking in a deep, uneasy breath, “She shouldn’t have left us Logan. There had to be another way.”
“Jean didn’t feel there was any other way at the time,” Logan watched as Scott’s lower lip quivered, reeling from thoughts that Logan couldn’t read behind his closed eyelids.
“There should have been,” Scott bit down on his lower lip, “I should’ve found a way to save us, to save her and…”
“Hey,” Logan touched Scott’s shoulder causing him to shudder.
“Logan please don’t try to comfort me. I don’t deserve it,” Scott attempted to turn away from him, to pull away from the embrace Logan readily squeezed upon him, “Logan.”
“Jean wouldn’t want to see you like this Scott,” Logan curled his arm around Scott’s lean form tighter than before, “She wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over what happened at Alkali Lake. She would want you to carry on and be happy when…”
“How can I be happy in knowing that I lost the only person who ever really knew me Logan?” Scott questioned somberly, “How can I even look at myself again in realizing just how much I failed her?”
“We all failed her that day Scott,” Logan reached out to touch the side of his face, “We all made so many mistakes, but they were unavoidable at the time. Jean felt it was the only way and…”
“I don’t believe that,” Scott shook his head firmly, “I refuse to think that was the only way for us all to…”
“I don’t believe it either,” Logan finally blurted catching Scott off guard with his admission, “I don’t think any of us believes that she had to leave us, but there’s no way in hell any of us blame you. Scott, what happened with Stryker was beyond your control. What he did to you was…”
“No worse than what he did to you,” Scott finished as he let out a long sigh, “I know about what you endured Logan. I remember listening to stories about what they did…about how they manipulated you…”
“Stories?” Logan repeated giving Scott a long look.
“Stryker liked to brag about his accomplishments,” Scott shuddered at the thought of what he’d endured after he and Charles were taken, “He talked about how he fully intended to take you again, to turn you into the monster that he once thought you to be. Beyond that…he even promised me that this time around you wouldn’t be there to rescue me.”
“Rescue you?” Logan repeated blinking as Scott bit down on his lower lip.
“I didn’t understand it at the time, but after Charles and I have spoken to one another,” Scott hesitated before taking in a breath, “He told me about how the only reason he was able to get to us on the island was because there was a mutant there. The mutant braved Stryker’s forces to save us from the hell we were in. He stepped up to give us another chance and…”
“And you think it was me?” Logan questioned giving Scott another long look.
“I know it was you,” Scott divulged quietly when his shivers died down to reveal the truth behind his voice, “I couldn’t see, but your voice…Logan, I remembered your voice. I didn’t draw the correlation before, but when I was back in captivity…”
“Scott, there’s no way that…” Logan opened his mouth to protest when he felt Scott’s fingers skim up against his cheek. He stiffened surprised by the warmth that the touch carried with it when Scott’s finger tips teased into his thick, dark hair to pull him in closer.
“Charles confirmed it,” Scott explained in a low, throaty whisper, “He knew all along that you’d saved me--that one day I’d be given another opportunity to thank you for what you’d done to give me another chance.”
“But I don’t…I don’t remember…” Logan replied feeling uneasiness coil through his body.
“I do and as I said before you’re the real hero Logan. I, on the other hand, was weak then just like I was when we lost Jean. If I had any control on the situation, then…” Scott’s words tapered off, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes,” Logan touched his perfectly sculpted cheekbone, “it does Scott. If it’s upsetting you, then it matters to me.”
“Why?” Scott questioned arching his head up towards Logan.
“Because I hate to see you cry,” Logan revealed sliding in closer to Scott. One arm draped around Scott’s waist, squeezing him in against Logan’s chest when Logan felt Scott’s fingers tangle into his thick, dark hair, “I don’t like you hurting.”
“It feels like it’s never going to stop for me,” Scott sighed lowering his head when Logan dropped his hand down to curl it underneath Scott’s chin. He coaxed Scott to raise his head, to simply give in to the touch when he eased in closer to him.
“I can’t promise that it still won’t hurt, but maybe there’s something we both can do to try to ease the pain,” Logan whispered, the warmth of his words buzzing over Scott’s lips before he bridged the distance between them in brushing his lips against Scott’s in a tender display. The movement seemed to surprise Scott, to catch him off guard, yet he didn’t pull away. Instead his hand dropped down squeezing Logan’s shoulder to urge him in closer yet.
Their mouths collided in the kiss with pulses pounding, thoughts carrying over to a place that neither man had dared to go during the waking hours. However, caught up in the moment on the center of Logan’s bed, Logan felt Scott’s leg push up around his thick, muscular thigh to pull him in over Scott’s lithe form. His leg curled around Logan’s thigh, intertwining their bodies as Logan hovered over Scott tasting and teasing him in a slow, drawn out breath of temptation. Instinctively Logan’s hand pushed down over Scott’s hip, sliding down to squeeze at Scott’s thigh when a murmur of a breath carried over Scott’s lips. The sound caused Logan to pull back, taking the time to search Scott’s flushed features when Scott sank back further into Logan’s pillow.
“What are we doing Logan?” Scott questioned in a breathless whisper when his face grew a deeper shade of crimson.
“I don’t know,” Logan admitted reaching out to touch the side of Scott’s face with shaky fingers, “but I’ve wanted to try it for a very long time.”
“So have I,” Scott divulged keeping his eyes closed tightly when guilt carried over his features, “so much so that one of the last things Jean said to me before she left us was that she didn’t want me to hide from it any longer. She told me she wanted me to be happy.”
“Happy,” Logan repeated watching Scott’s face drop with the memory of his fallen lover.
“How can I be happy in knowing that she’s gone though Logan?” Scott questioned somberly, “Even if I want this, how can I move forward without betraying what we had together when you and I are…”
“We aren’t anything to worry about Scott,” Logan confessed feeling guilt carry over him in thinking about how he’d taken the leap in kissing Scott, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Scott questioned with a small sigh.
“For Jean, for this…for making you even more confused,” Logan started to pull away from Scott, to slide onto his side of the bed when Scott reached out for him once again.
“This is the first time in a long time that I don’t feel alone Logan,” Scott breathed stretching his fingers out to squeeze at Logan’s shoulder once again, “I know that it’s not what I should be saying right now, but…”
“You’re not alone Scott,” Logan promised reaching out to pull Scott in over his chest, “As long as you’re with me, you’ll never be alone again.”
“But…” Scott sighed as Logan curled his arm around Scott’s waist to hug him in closer over his chest.
“Just rest Scott. Lord knows you haven’t been getting any of it lately,” Logan whispered in a soft, soothing tone. He closed his eyes feeling Scott push his fingers in over the center of his chest. His dark hair teased over the opening in Logan’s shirt to play over his skin. In an instant it reminded him of all the things he’d wanted to do with Scott, but instead he simply resigned himself to the moment in kissing the top of Scott’s head, “Sleep now Scott.”
“Alright,” Scott yawned wrapping his arm around Logan’s waist as he drifted off to the first peaceful sleep he’d experienced in longer than he could remember as Logan found himself wondering just what it was he was getting himself into with Scott Summers at his side. Something told him regardless of what his intentions were, he’d found himself longing for something deeper, something more profound as the man in his arms suddenly became the most important thing in Logan’s world. Tipping his head down Logan simply watched Scott, feeling himself overtaken by sentiment when Scott’s head settled in over his chest with his positioning keeping him comfortably over Logan’s body in an embrace.
“This feels good,” Logan thought to himself as he closed his eyes in order to simply take in the scent of the man in his arms, to listen to the way his breathing evened out giving in to exhaustion when his fingers curled around Logan’s body. Logan’s eyes reopened when Scott let out a tiny shudder clearly lost in a dream, yet when Logan smoothed his fingers over Scott’s spine, he felt Scott at ease, returning to peace again in his dreams.
“Sweet dreams Slim,” Logan whispered pressing a kiss on top of Scott’s head as he found himself lost in the warmth of Summers over his chest, wrapped up in his arms and needing him in ways Logan hadn’t felt in a very long time. Somehow it seemed Logan had found a purpose again. He’d found a reason to stick around the school now that it was clear that Scott needed him.
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Summary: Scott's nightmares are progressing after he's been immersed in survivors guilt in grieving Jean. When it's clear that Scott's had more than he can take Logan steps in to try to help Scott find a way to deal with the demons of his past.
Notes: I started this one a long time ago and noticed it when I was going through some works. I figured I would post it in case anyone was interested in it. The story incorporates some of Scott's past nightmares during the time of X-Men: Origins to some degree. I'm not sure where it might lead or if I should continue with a little more of it, but if anyone is interested let me know :)
“Please don’t go….stop. Jean!,” Scott screamed shooting up from his bed covered in sweat. While he knew he was safe in his bed, away from the nightmare, the feeling lingered, hanging over him like a black cloud. He couldn’t escape it. He’d tried again and again, but it was useless. The nightmare wouldn’t leave. Since he’d lost Jean the dreams were getting stronger, more vivid and detailed taking him from his mourning to something darker, something his subconscious had begged him to forget. He’d wished it hadn’t returned to him, hoped that his mind would’ve kept the memory out, but wishes didn’t make it true. Now he was left to face the reality his brain had begged him to forget.
Pushing the blankets away from his legs, Scott couldn’t help, but find his pajamas soaked with sweat. He was dripping from head to toe, unable to shake the nausea that carried over him. If he hadn’t been wearing his visor to bed, he was certain he would’ve blown a hole in the ceiling with his rage. His head pounded uncontrollably, his mouth dry and scratchy from the screams he was certain he’d been throwing out in his nightmare. Normally he would have reason to be concerned, to fear who might hear him, but most everyone else had left on a mission while many of the students were on an overnight field trip. He was alone, something he’d gotten more accustomed to doing after he’d lost Jean. People tended to leave him alone, to give him space and time to ‘sort it out’ as everyone had kept saying to him. The truth was he hadn’t needed to sort it out. He hadn’t wanted to wallow in self-pity, but it was all that there was left. He’d failed Jean, failed himself and now with the nightmares returning, he knew that he was broken.
Opting to make the most of being awake at such an hour, Scott decided to head down to the Danger Room preparing to immerse himself in something to keep his mind away from the past. If he could just forget those memories again, then he’d be fine. He could simply push forward, returning to the stoic leader of the X-Men team, not wallow in misery over the broken boy he once was. It was the past. The past couldn’t haunt him, couldn’t hurt him as long as he ignored what was happening. He could pretend it wasn’t real, that he hadn’t experienced it. He could just do as he always did in putting on a false front with them never knowing just what he’d endured. Hell, for a while he’d convinced himself that it hadn’t happened, so perhaps in time he would be able to let the others believe it too. He wouldn’t show them how horribly tattered his subconscious was. Stepping into the room, Scott realized he hadn’t even bothered to change. In his haste to get away from his bed, from the nightmares, he’d still been in his pajamas, still drenched from head to toe before the workout began.
“To hell with it,” he decided peeling his button down pajama shirt from his body. No one was around to bother him, so he didn’t need to be prim and proper. He could be as ruthless and aggressive as he wanted to be, not bothering to focus on the rules. He could just let loose on his anger, on the nightmares and be done with it.
Beginning the simulation, Scott began to try to focus on something else, on anything, but the vivid imagery in the back of his mind. If he could only forget, if only he could ignore what was happening to him in losing Jean. If only…
“You aren’t going to get out of this so easily,” a snarl promised when Scott found himself pinned to the ground. His eyes were closed tightly, wishing like hell that the nightmare wasn’t happening, but it was. Razor sharp claws dug at the side of his face, tracing over his eyelids in a menacing fashion. He gulped down, a whimper building in the back of his throat. If only he could control it. If only he could open his eyes and blast the predator off of him, but he was helpless, frozen in the moment.
“Please don’t do this,” Scott begged of his captor. He could sense the weight of the larger man’s body upon his, crushing him into the cold, stone floor that surrounded him. Scott’s fingers were pressed into one of the dips in the pavement, his hand crunching down with the movement of the man upon him. A lump formed in his throat, his heart pounding furiously when the man’s claw eased in over the side of Scott’s neck breaking the skin. Scott whimpered, too afraid to be bold. The monster over him sniffed, drawing in the faint aroma of terror that emanated off of Scott.
“You are in no position to be making demands of me,” he snarled, leaning forward to sniff at the side of Scott’s neck, savoring the scent of the blood he’d extracted from Scott.
Scott whimpered again, feeling the bile in the back of his throat, the repulsion building inside of him when the man’s oversized form crushed Scott further into the floor. The claw continued to dig into Scott’s flesh, drawing a line over the side of his neck until Scott cried out in pain.
“Please don’t…” Scott panted desperately, his worry causing him to hyperventilate beneath the monster that had taken him away from the life he’d known.
“Don’t,” he laughed wildly, his voice dark, raspy and menacing, “I think I like the sound of that. Say it again.”
“Don’t hurt me,” Scott begged, struggling to break free of the hold the man had over him. He could feel the amusement in the man’s tone, the wail of excitement bristling over the man’s every synapse until finally the claw pulled out from his flesh.
“Hurt you,” he repeated softening his tone and giving Scott a moment of pause, “do you really believe that’s what I want?”
“I don’t know what you want, but please I beg of you, don’t do this. Just let me go. Please let me…” Scott started desperately, his worries mounting in the silence that surrounded him. “Let me go. I’ll do whatever you want, but please…”
“Oh you’ll do what I want alright,” a thick, oversized hand pressed down over the back of Scott’s neck, squeezing in a harsh, aggressive movement, “that much I’m sure of. I’m going to make you bleed for me.”
Scott gulped, his worries growing when the claw sliced into his flesh, tearing at his skin in a predatory fashion. Scott tried to push himself up on his elbows, to slide out and away from the man above him, but he was too strong. He was too powerful and as Scott felt the man casually slice at his neck again to further expose Scott’s now bleeding, vulnerable flesh, he knew he had to escape.
“Please…” Scott’s lower lip quivered, his mind bristling with fear. It took everything he had in him not to break into sobs, to crumble to pieces with his captor over him, touching him and tormenting him with those nails. Still, when he felt the man bite down on his shoulder, hand pushing into his neck roughly, Scott found the courage to fight back. He pushed his hands harder on the pavement determined to escape or die trying before he’d allow the man to take him to the nightmare waiting for him against his will. Death had been his greatest fear, but now with the man hovering over him threatening to tear him to pieces, Scott knew it wouldn’t end well.
“I’m really going to enjoy this,” the predator promised seizing Scott’s neck in an iron clad grip in an attempt to further intimidate Scott in his youth.
“No,” Scott shouted, feeling a surge of strength overtake him. He kicked his leg out, slamming it into his captor’s body. The movement was unexpected, sending the monster back into the wall with an explosive sound. It was all the motivation Scott needed to bounce up to his feet, to charge in the direction he’d remembered being pulled in--all in the hopes of escape. He tried to stay focused, to remember the path he’d imprinted in his mind, but his fear was blocking him. His terror was keeping him from knowing it completely when the stone beneath him tore into his bare feet. He was uncertain, not sure of his escape route, but when he heard the explosive scream from behind him, he knew not to look back. He had to keep running, to keep fighting for his freedom. He could smell salt water in the air. There was a breeze coming from the left. Turning to the left he started to sprint away, knowing escape was his only option. However, with the monster closing in upon him, he knew there was only one alternative, one way to free himself.
Taking in a breath, Scott stopped doing his best to ignore all the warning signals in his mind telling him that this was wrong. He had to find freedom and even if it meant doing the thing he was most terrified of, he would fight to have it. He had to break free. Clenching his hands into fists at his sides, he willed himself to open his eyes, to send the painful blasts shooting out from his body with a loud wailing boom. His head was pounding, eyes exploding with power and just when he thought he’d met his target, he felt a thunderous crash upon him taking him down to the floor.
“You son of a bitch!” the monster shouter, slicing into Scott’s chest. The nails dug deeper, twisting and grinding until Scott began to sob. He attempted to open his eyes again only to feel the man over him.
“I’ll rip your chest out if you even think about it,” his captor warned rendering him helpless all over again. This time there was more rage, more need for humiliation and degradation. Scott had tried to free himself and failed, now with blood in the back of his throat, he realized he was resigned to his fate. Now with the man clawing and tearing into his flesh, he realized that the only thing he could wish for to set him free was death.
Returning to the moment Scott banished the thought of what was next when Stryker arrived to take him away to that dehumanizing facility. He didn’t want to think about the horrors he’d endured in captivity, or the way that he hadn’t been able to defend himself against all of their experimentation. The sheer humiliation of it all was too much, too painful to face ever again. He couldn’t go back there not now, not ever.
******
Logan had heard the screams, he’d been hearing them each and every night since Jean’s death. He knew everyone else had been hearing them as well, but no one had wanted to step in and embarrass their fearless leader when it was clear he was anything, but the pillar of strength they’d expected him to be. Then again perhaps that was part of why they’d stayed away. Perhaps they were afraid in seeing him without hope, without reason that they too would lose their way. Logan, on the other hand, wasn’t afraid to see the demons that haunted Scott as he’d experienced them himself time and time again. He knew of the nightmares, of the emotions that were beyond a man’s control. They were brutal, intense, but certainly not something to be dealt with on your own.
Perhaps that was why Logan had followed Scott to the Danger Room. Yes, it hadn’t been his intention, but upon seeing Scott emerge from his bedroom looking like hell, Logan couldn’t help, but follow. Even if he wasn’t the person that Summers would dream of turning to, Logan wanted to make sure Summers didn’t do something stupid like hurt himself in his stoic quest to take on the weight of the world by himself. With everyone gone, Logan decided that it couldn’t be all that bad if he was keeping a watch on Scott. Hell, maybe someone would thank him in the future. Okay, so he doubted it, but at the same time he couldn’t turn away.
Now seeing Scott beating the life out of himself in the Danger Room Logan could sense something was horribly wrong. Scott went from pounding the hell out of everything, to screaming and sobbing--shaking with the kind of pain that caused Logan’s skin to crawl. It was in those bellows of broken misery that Logan realized he hated what he saw before him. Cyke had always been someone to tease, someone to get going, but in seeing him crumbling before him, Logan knew it wasn’t what he wanted to ever witness again. Quietly he walked further into the Danger Room, shaken by the overwhelming scent of Scott’s grief when Scott dropped to the floor breaking to pieces before him.
“Scott,” Logan spoke up softly, hoping Summers wouldn’t mistake Logan for the object of his rage and turn his wrath on him. However, Scott was too consumed by his misery, too wrapped up in the depths of his pain that he hadn’t made a move to address Logan when Logan crouched down beside him.
“Scott,” Logan began again, seeing Summers trembling on the floor, half naked and sobbing uncontrollably, “hey…”
“Why didn’t they just kill me?” Scott groaned, unable to escape whatever was haunting him in the moment. His visor had fallen from his face in the drop to the floor, but his eyes were clenched together tightly, refusing to reveal their power.
“Who?” Logan asked reaching out in a tentative movement. He touched Scott’s bare shoulder feeling the sweat soak into his own skin. At first Scott flinched, a terrified shudder overtaking him, but when Logan spoke up again Scott returned to his tears balling up on the floor before him.
“I should’ve fought back harder, should’ve been stronger. I should have seen they were waiting to blindside me again Logan. I knew what they were capable, but I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t in control of what was happening and now…” Scott bellowed again and again, not making any sense to Logan, “They forced me to fight her…to injure her before she left us. If I hadn’t been under their control, then…”
While Logan and Scott had always had exchanged teasing barbs with one another, Logan couldn’t help, but admit he’d always admired Scott. There was a regal quality that Scott possessed and even if Logan had mocked him, it was Scott’s strength that had inspired Logan to continue changing his life’s path. Now, however, as Logan watched Scott coming undone, he found he hated to be a part of it. He hated to see the younger man endure so much agony.
“It’s okay,” Logan whispered awkwardly, hoping to find some means of comforting Scott, “It’s going to be alright.”
“No,” Scott tipped his head up, eyes still closed tightly while tears burned down his face, “it’s not going to be okay. It’s never going to be okay again Logan.”
“Yes it will,” Logan scooted in closer to Scott, knowing it was a risk, but one he would take if it helped pull him from his misery. Logan stretched his arm out, touching Scott’s shoulder again. This time Scott attempted to punch at Logan, to push him away, but he’d staggered in the process dropping to the ground in a heap.
“Summers, I’m not going to hurt you,” Logan whispered soothingly. Despite his better judgment, Logan scooped Scott up into his arms, half expecting Scott to knock his head off with the rage he’d been channeling earlier. Only this time Scott simply collapsed in his arms, a mere shadow of his former self. Tiny whimpers poured out from Scott’s lips, but what followed next threw Logan for a loop. In all of the things Logan had anticipated, none of them had ended with Scott burying his head in Logan’s chest and seeking out comfort from Logan all over again as he had the day Jean died.
“Let’s get you out of here,” Logan whispered soothingly, hoping to coax whatever was tormenting Scott out of his mind long enough to help Scott find a good night’s sleep.
“I can’t go back to my room,” Scott bellowed, his voice raw and scratchy, “not tonight.”
“Fine,” Logan decided with a small breath taking a new direction with Scott in his arms, “you can come with me back to mine.”
“Logan, you can’t…” Scott spoke up weakly, “you can’t tell anyone about any of this. If they had any idea that I’m so out of control right now…”
“This stays between us Cyke,” Logan agreed knowing only too well that whatever was happening with Scott was something that neither of them were truly prepared for. However, given how hard Scott had worked to isolate himself from everyone else including the Professor, Logan knew full well there were no other options. Scott was holding onto sanity by a thread and even if it meant stepping into the role of listener, which was something Logan hadn’t readily embraced, then so be it. He wasn’t about to let Scott crumble to pieces and leave them as Jean had. The very thought caused Logan’s chest to tighten up, his heart to ache and as he carried Scott silently to his room, he realized that in that moment nothing mattered more to him, then making sure that Scott found his way back from the darkness.
Xxxxx
Wrapping his arms around Scott, Logan couldn’t help, but feel the weight of the world on his shoulders now that Scott seemed to be caught up in an endless series of sobs. It was enough to break his heart when his fingers smoothed out over Scott’s back keeping Scott close to him. Although neither man would readily embrace the other in the waking hours, with Scott shivering and terrified, Logan knew he couldn’t step aside. He couldn’t keep a distance when it was clear that Scott was hurting in ways neither one of them could speak out in Scott’s silent torment.
“I’m such a fool,” Scott whispered in between broken sobs, “if I was only stronger…if I only could have…”
“None of us could’ve changed the outcome of what happened,” Logan squeezed his arm around Scott tighter, finding it oddly comforting for himself in holding Scott beside him. On some level he had wanted to simply write it off as doing something for the team--as doing something to help everyone get back to where they were meant to be--to make up for the loss of Jeanie, but there was more to it. Then again there always was when Logan was near Scott. Sure, he’d let the world believe that Jean was always his intended mark, but Scott was just as intoxicating, just as powerful to his senses whenever he was near. Hell, that time in the jet when they’d both been consumed with grief, Logan had never wanted to take care of another person more than he had with Scott. He’d never wished that he could ease another’s pain as much as he did when Scott fell to pieces in his arms.
“I’ve always been weak,” Scott sobbed into Logan’s bare chest, not bothering to censor that pain that carried over him, “I should’ve saved her. I wish I could’ve…”
“None of us could’ve done anything differently,” Logan attempted to sooth Scott’s tears.
“You could have,” Scott confessed painfully, allowing the realization to sink in. “If you were in charge, she would still be here. She’d still be alive and…”
“There’s nothing that I could’ve done that you hadn’t already tried,” Logan answered honestly feeling the weight of Scott’s tears upon him.
“You’ve always been so strong and I’ve been…” Scott paused allowing the disgust to carry over him, “weak.”
“Weak?” Logan repeated hearing Scott’s tone dripping with self-loathing, “No Scott, you’ve never been weak. You’re strong and…”
“No,” Scott replied somberly, “I’ve always been a farce. From the moment Charles brought me here the only thing anyone felt for me was pity. They saw what a coward I truly was, but…”
“You are far from being a coward Scott Summers,” Logan frowned as he twisted onto his side in his bed to face the man who had come to hold his respect and furthermore carried a great importance in his life, “When I look at you that’s the last thing I see…”
“That’s because I’ve been good at putting up a false front Logan,” Scott sighed behind a shivering exhale, “I pretend that nothing gets to me, that it’s all something that I can deal with so that the others aren’t afraid, but I’m…I’m broken.”
“It know it feels that way after what happened with Jeanie, but…” Logan attempted to reach out to Scott once again. He touched the side of Scott’s face anticipating a recoil when Scott realized that Logan had overstepped his boundaries, but instead Scott simply sighed and leaned into his touch, welcoming the embrace.
“It’s not just about her,” Scott divulged with a deep color rising over his beautifully sculpted features, “It’s about everything. It’s about what happened at Stryker’s facility then and now…”
“Then?” Logan repeated giving Scott a long, curious look.
Scott tensed up and hesitated before exhaling once again. He raised his chin up, keeping his eyes closed as Logan had placed Scott’s visor on the nightstand beside his bed upon their arrival to Logan’s room. He could see the lines of tension in Scott’s face stealing his youth from him in the moments of torture he’d undoubtedly carried in his subconscious.
“Right before Charles found me I was taken,” Scott divulged when a shudder carried over him, “I was very young at the time and just discovering my powers. It made me naïve and…”
“What happened?” Logan questioned sliding his fingers into Scott’s thick, dark hair when Scott seemed to ease into the touch.
“Stryker’s men found me at my school,” Scott tensed up at the thought that carried upon his lips, “He sent people after me--more specifically a very powerful mutant named Victor Creed.”
“Victor,” Logan repeated when Scott tensed up beside him.
“Sabretooth,” Scott clarified drawing in a breath, “and back then he was even more reckless and out for blood. When he blindsided me at my school he attacked me, tearing at my flesh and…”
“Scott?” Logan half questioned when Scott let out a long, uneasy breath.
“He found torment to be a fun form of torture,” Scott revealed with a pained expression on his face, “so much so that the day they took me captive I was convinced he was going to kill me, but he didn’t. I know he wanted to, but…”
“But what?” Logan watched as all the color drained from Scott’s face.
“Stryker stopped him from following through on whatever it was he might’ve had planned for me,” Scott confessed behind gritted teeth, “but the others weren’t as fortunate. The things that happened to them when I was held captive--to what they did to all of us…”
“Stryker…he took you?” Logan’s face dropped in realization as Scott trembled beside him.
Scott nodded, “I didn’t know who he was then, but it all became clear to me after they blindsided us Logan. When they took me back to Stryker’s facility and took away my control…it all came rushing back to me. I could remember clearly the things that they did to our kind. I could hear them suffering, could feel their pain all around me when they would take me for testing. I heard so many of them in agony, but I couldn’t save them. I was too afraid--I was so scared of what was going to happen to me so much so that I shut down. I failed them then just like I failed Jean.”
“Scott, you didn’t fail Jean,” Logan reached out to touch the side of Scott’s face, “Regardless of how it feels, she made her choice and…”
“Her choice was wrong,” Scott snapped back at him. He stiffened at Logan’s side before taking in a deep, uneasy breath, “She shouldn’t have left us Logan. There had to be another way.”
“Jean didn’t feel there was any other way at the time,” Logan watched as Scott’s lower lip quivered, reeling from thoughts that Logan couldn’t read behind his closed eyelids.
“There should have been,” Scott bit down on his lower lip, “I should’ve found a way to save us, to save her and…”
“Hey,” Logan touched Scott’s shoulder causing him to shudder.
“Logan please don’t try to comfort me. I don’t deserve it,” Scott attempted to turn away from him, to pull away from the embrace Logan readily squeezed upon him, “Logan.”
“Jean wouldn’t want to see you like this Scott,” Logan curled his arm around Scott’s lean form tighter than before, “She wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over what happened at Alkali Lake. She would want you to carry on and be happy when…”
“How can I be happy in knowing that I lost the only person who ever really knew me Logan?” Scott questioned somberly, “How can I even look at myself again in realizing just how much I failed her?”
“We all failed her that day Scott,” Logan reached out to touch the side of his face, “We all made so many mistakes, but they were unavoidable at the time. Jean felt it was the only way and…”
“I don’t believe that,” Scott shook his head firmly, “I refuse to think that was the only way for us all to…”
“I don’t believe it either,” Logan finally blurted catching Scott off guard with his admission, “I don’t think any of us believes that she had to leave us, but there’s no way in hell any of us blame you. Scott, what happened with Stryker was beyond your control. What he did to you was…”
“No worse than what he did to you,” Scott finished as he let out a long sigh, “I know about what you endured Logan. I remember listening to stories about what they did…about how they manipulated you…”
“Stories?” Logan repeated giving Scott a long look.
“Stryker liked to brag about his accomplishments,” Scott shuddered at the thought of what he’d endured after he and Charles were taken, “He talked about how he fully intended to take you again, to turn you into the monster that he once thought you to be. Beyond that…he even promised me that this time around you wouldn’t be there to rescue me.”
“Rescue you?” Logan repeated blinking as Scott bit down on his lower lip.
“I didn’t understand it at the time, but after Charles and I have spoken to one another,” Scott hesitated before taking in a breath, “He told me about how the only reason he was able to get to us on the island was because there was a mutant there. The mutant braved Stryker’s forces to save us from the hell we were in. He stepped up to give us another chance and…”
“And you think it was me?” Logan questioned giving Scott another long look.
“I know it was you,” Scott divulged quietly when his shivers died down to reveal the truth behind his voice, “I couldn’t see, but your voice…Logan, I remembered your voice. I didn’t draw the correlation before, but when I was back in captivity…”
“Scott, there’s no way that…” Logan opened his mouth to protest when he felt Scott’s fingers skim up against his cheek. He stiffened surprised by the warmth that the touch carried with it when Scott’s finger tips teased into his thick, dark hair to pull him in closer.
“Charles confirmed it,” Scott explained in a low, throaty whisper, “He knew all along that you’d saved me--that one day I’d be given another opportunity to thank you for what you’d done to give me another chance.”
“But I don’t…I don’t remember…” Logan replied feeling uneasiness coil through his body.
“I do and as I said before you’re the real hero Logan. I, on the other hand, was weak then just like I was when we lost Jean. If I had any control on the situation, then…” Scott’s words tapered off, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes,” Logan touched his perfectly sculpted cheekbone, “it does Scott. If it’s upsetting you, then it matters to me.”
“Why?” Scott questioned arching his head up towards Logan.
“Because I hate to see you cry,” Logan revealed sliding in closer to Scott. One arm draped around Scott’s waist, squeezing him in against Logan’s chest when Logan felt Scott’s fingers tangle into his thick, dark hair, “I don’t like you hurting.”
“It feels like it’s never going to stop for me,” Scott sighed lowering his head when Logan dropped his hand down to curl it underneath Scott’s chin. He coaxed Scott to raise his head, to simply give in to the touch when he eased in closer to him.
“I can’t promise that it still won’t hurt, but maybe there’s something we both can do to try to ease the pain,” Logan whispered, the warmth of his words buzzing over Scott’s lips before he bridged the distance between them in brushing his lips against Scott’s in a tender display. The movement seemed to surprise Scott, to catch him off guard, yet he didn’t pull away. Instead his hand dropped down squeezing Logan’s shoulder to urge him in closer yet.
Their mouths collided in the kiss with pulses pounding, thoughts carrying over to a place that neither man had dared to go during the waking hours. However, caught up in the moment on the center of Logan’s bed, Logan felt Scott’s leg push up around his thick, muscular thigh to pull him in over Scott’s lithe form. His leg curled around Logan’s thigh, intertwining their bodies as Logan hovered over Scott tasting and teasing him in a slow, drawn out breath of temptation. Instinctively Logan’s hand pushed down over Scott’s hip, sliding down to squeeze at Scott’s thigh when a murmur of a breath carried over Scott’s lips. The sound caused Logan to pull back, taking the time to search Scott’s flushed features when Scott sank back further into Logan’s pillow.
“What are we doing Logan?” Scott questioned in a breathless whisper when his face grew a deeper shade of crimson.
“I don’t know,” Logan admitted reaching out to touch the side of Scott’s face with shaky fingers, “but I’ve wanted to try it for a very long time.”
“So have I,” Scott divulged keeping his eyes closed tightly when guilt carried over his features, “so much so that one of the last things Jean said to me before she left us was that she didn’t want me to hide from it any longer. She told me she wanted me to be happy.”
“Happy,” Logan repeated watching Scott’s face drop with the memory of his fallen lover.
“How can I be happy in knowing that she’s gone though Logan?” Scott questioned somberly, “Even if I want this, how can I move forward without betraying what we had together when you and I are…”
“We aren’t anything to worry about Scott,” Logan confessed feeling guilt carry over him in thinking about how he’d taken the leap in kissing Scott, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Scott questioned with a small sigh.
“For Jean, for this…for making you even more confused,” Logan started to pull away from Scott, to slide onto his side of the bed when Scott reached out for him once again.
“This is the first time in a long time that I don’t feel alone Logan,” Scott breathed stretching his fingers out to squeeze at Logan’s shoulder once again, “I know that it’s not what I should be saying right now, but…”
“You’re not alone Scott,” Logan promised reaching out to pull Scott in over his chest, “As long as you’re with me, you’ll never be alone again.”
“But…” Scott sighed as Logan curled his arm around Scott’s waist to hug him in closer over his chest.
“Just rest Scott. Lord knows you haven’t been getting any of it lately,” Logan whispered in a soft, soothing tone. He closed his eyes feeling Scott push his fingers in over the center of his chest. His dark hair teased over the opening in Logan’s shirt to play over his skin. In an instant it reminded him of all the things he’d wanted to do with Scott, but instead he simply resigned himself to the moment in kissing the top of Scott’s head, “Sleep now Scott.”
“Alright,” Scott yawned wrapping his arm around Logan’s waist as he drifted off to the first peaceful sleep he’d experienced in longer than he could remember as Logan found himself wondering just what it was he was getting himself into with Scott Summers at his side. Something told him regardless of what his intentions were, he’d found himself longing for something deeper, something more profound as the man in his arms suddenly became the most important thing in Logan’s world. Tipping his head down Logan simply watched Scott, feeling himself overtaken by sentiment when Scott’s head settled in over his chest with his positioning keeping him comfortably over Logan’s body in an embrace.
“This feels good,” Logan thought to himself as he closed his eyes in order to simply take in the scent of the man in his arms, to listen to the way his breathing evened out giving in to exhaustion when his fingers curled around Logan’s body. Logan’s eyes reopened when Scott let out a tiny shudder clearly lost in a dream, yet when Logan smoothed his fingers over Scott’s spine, he felt Scott at ease, returning to peace again in his dreams.
“Sweet dreams Slim,” Logan whispered pressing a kiss on top of Scott’s head as he found himself lost in the warmth of Summers over his chest, wrapped up in his arms and needing him in ways Logan hadn’t felt in a very long time. Somehow it seemed Logan had found a purpose again. He’d found a reason to stick around the school now that it was clear that Scott needed him.