NaNo - Day 10 - Megan's Fault
So I'm behind on my word count. I have about 12K done but am supposed to have 16670. Not an unassailable distance, but I am having some focus struggles as well as frustration with my time. Every time I think "I'll go play a game" or "I'll go to the movies" I don't because I conversely consider that I am behind on y word count and dammit, you can't live your life if you're behind! I had to force myself to go to the record store last night and a trip to find the new Stephen King book (can you not buy a book downtown anymore?!) fell flat when it would have normally become an adventure.
I blame much of this on Megan.
When Megan worked here I had access to a really funny, creative mind every day. Sure, I know people who are funny and creative at work and beyond, but Megan and I clicked in the same way, our thoughts ran in very similar veins. We had a lot of interests in common, but because our access points to those interests were different, we would fire off different takes on these things we thought we knew already. When you have to work side by side with someone you click with nine hours a day, five days a week, you're gonna have some cool thoughts. When Megan was around I had cool thoughts about ten times a day. Now I have them about once a day if I'm lucky. Once? We had this hilarious idea for a mockumentary about a librarian who does a puppet show but goes insane. It was a hilarious bit and we beat it up for about an hour. In another hour, she had already typed up a treatment with lines. Conviction with quality, man.
To NaNo specifically (beyond pointing out that I only started doing it because of Megan, but have since claimed it firmly on my own steam): I would have had five story ideas before NaNo hit. I would have had whatever story I was going to do outlined and had some research in the pocket. I would have talked through where my story was going in my head and beat it up and had someone to trumpet my word count to that cared and was a great cheerleader. There are three other people here at work doing NaNo this year - the most ever - and yet I am completely disconnected from their efforts. Their word counts don't dent me. I'm not a throwaway writer. Megan knew that, and even though she would tell me to loosen up to get my count, she would never try to sell me on selling out the ideal I too often strive for.
So this is all Megan's fault.
Perhaps I will have some breakthrough tomorrow, since I'm off. I somehow doubt it. I remember this feeling from previous years. It is the feeling of trying to walk a straight line in a huge and empty pasture, where no one else is and no one else cares if you walk it straight or not, so you just walk off in another direction. It is the feeling you get right before you have to make a decision about whether or not you're going to keep going.
(Of course none of this is really her fault. Megan has moved on to a wonderful life with a wonderful man doing exactly what she wants to do with her life. As her friend and big brother, I love her and I appreciate her and I applaud their move. But as a writer? I want my partner back.)
I blame much of this on Megan.
When Megan worked here I had access to a really funny, creative mind every day. Sure, I know people who are funny and creative at work and beyond, but Megan and I clicked in the same way, our thoughts ran in very similar veins. We had a lot of interests in common, but because our access points to those interests were different, we would fire off different takes on these things we thought we knew already. When you have to work side by side with someone you click with nine hours a day, five days a week, you're gonna have some cool thoughts. When Megan was around I had cool thoughts about ten times a day. Now I have them about once a day if I'm lucky. Once? We had this hilarious idea for a mockumentary about a librarian who does a puppet show but goes insane. It was a hilarious bit and we beat it up for about an hour. In another hour, she had already typed up a treatment with lines. Conviction with quality, man.
To NaNo specifically (beyond pointing out that I only started doing it because of Megan, but have since claimed it firmly on my own steam): I would have had five story ideas before NaNo hit. I would have had whatever story I was going to do outlined and had some research in the pocket. I would have talked through where my story was going in my head and beat it up and had someone to trumpet my word count to that cared and was a great cheerleader. There are three other people here at work doing NaNo this year - the most ever - and yet I am completely disconnected from their efforts. Their word counts don't dent me. I'm not a throwaway writer. Megan knew that, and even though she would tell me to loosen up to get my count, she would never try to sell me on selling out the ideal I too often strive for.
So this is all Megan's fault.
Perhaps I will have some breakthrough tomorrow, since I'm off. I somehow doubt it. I remember this feeling from previous years. It is the feeling of trying to walk a straight line in a huge and empty pasture, where no one else is and no one else cares if you walk it straight or not, so you just walk off in another direction. It is the feeling you get right before you have to make a decision about whether or not you're going to keep going.
(Of course none of this is really her fault. Megan has moved on to a wonderful life with a wonderful man doing exactly what she wants to do with her life. As her friend and big brother, I love her and I appreciate her and I applaud their move. But as a writer? I want my partner back.)