Growing Pains II: Family
I have two older and three younger cousins. The younger are from the crazy side of the family: the only boy seems salvagable and the younger girl was alright until she hit double figures so she may improve again with age but the older girl is pretty much a write-off until she learns to take her head out of her ass and start looking at the world around her. The older two are from the side of the family which is very small and close.
Jill and I weren't close growing up. By the time I was old enough to want to know an older girl cousin, she was at the age where a little cousin running around was a nuisance. As we've both become adults and she's got married and had kids, we've gotten closer. Not so that we're OMG BFF!!! but we like each other and can spend time in each other's company happily. And she remembers being young better than my mum without being as antagonistic as my sister.
Jonny was always the favourite. Kate and I adored him, hero worshipped him even, and he adored us too. He took us to the beach to skim stones and was always happy to play with us and join in our fun. He was Kate's favourite babysitter - the only one she never played up with. The one time she got too annoying, he tied her to the rocking horse with skipping ropes. She could've got out if she wanted, but she spent the rest of the night there giggling. He moved to the south of England when he graduated because it was the best place for him to get work. We missed him, but he stayed in touch and seemed happy there. He came up to see us and we made a couple of trips down to see him. He met his future wife and we liked her. She was fun and nice and didn't seem bothered about him wanting to spend time with us when we were around. She even asked us to be her bridesmaids.
But after they got married, things changed. He has been in Scotland once since he got married nearly five years ago. He didn't even come up for the christenings of his nephew and neice. He rarely calls. Even his parents don't hear from him too often, and mostly when they call him. He spent very little time with any of us when we were down for his daughter's christening. Now, he's made a blatent move to distance himself from his family.
His parents were down just after Easter to see him and his kids. A is two and J must now be more than 6 months. J was premature and quite frail, so my aunt and uncle were pleased to see how well he was doing. On the Friday two weeks after they came back, we all got invitations to J's christening - the following Sunday. There was no mention of this when my aunt and uncle visited, though it takes more than a fornight to plan and book a christening. And there was no way any of us could go at that short notice. Even if he didn't take into account my sister and I having exams and Saturday jobs (and to be fair, why should he?), there's the cost of flying people from Glasgow to Plymouth at such short notice (my mum checked and it would have been several hundred pounds each). There's also the fact that Jill's youngest doesn't have a passport, so she'd have had to drive the length of the country on her own (her husband is a manager of a hotel and can't possibly get weekends off at short notice) with a toddler and a baby. And he can't have forgotten that his father is a Kirk minister and need months notice to get someone to cover his parish on a Sunday.
It's sad, and really selfish not to consider my aunt and uncle and their wish to be there. And Kate's devastated that he's practically disowning us in favour of his wife's family. She's incredibly hurt. So am I. I look at it rationally and I could see it coming. This wasn't sudden. He'd been drifting away for a while and I knew it. But this is a deliberate cutting of ties and that's more painful than looking round in a few years and realising that he had gradually disappeared.
My aunt and uncle won't give up. They will still make annual visits to see him and their grandchildren. He'll probably still get birthday and Christmas cards and presents. Though my mum and sister were so upset they didn't arrange anything for the christening. And he might look round one day, realise what he's missing and come back to us. But only time will tell.
EDIT: I spoke to my sister tonight and found out that:
Jill and I weren't close growing up. By the time I was old enough to want to know an older girl cousin, she was at the age where a little cousin running around was a nuisance. As we've both become adults and she's got married and had kids, we've gotten closer. Not so that we're OMG BFF!!! but we like each other and can spend time in each other's company happily. And she remembers being young better than my mum without being as antagonistic as my sister.
Jonny was always the favourite. Kate and I adored him, hero worshipped him even, and he adored us too. He took us to the beach to skim stones and was always happy to play with us and join in our fun. He was Kate's favourite babysitter - the only one she never played up with. The one time she got too annoying, he tied her to the rocking horse with skipping ropes. She could've got out if she wanted, but she spent the rest of the night there giggling. He moved to the south of England when he graduated because it was the best place for him to get work. We missed him, but he stayed in touch and seemed happy there. He came up to see us and we made a couple of trips down to see him. He met his future wife and we liked her. She was fun and nice and didn't seem bothered about him wanting to spend time with us when we were around. She even asked us to be her bridesmaids.
But after they got married, things changed. He has been in Scotland once since he got married nearly five years ago. He didn't even come up for the christenings of his nephew and neice. He rarely calls. Even his parents don't hear from him too often, and mostly when they call him. He spent very little time with any of us when we were down for his daughter's christening. Now, he's made a blatent move to distance himself from his family.
His parents were down just after Easter to see him and his kids. A is two and J must now be more than 6 months. J was premature and quite frail, so my aunt and uncle were pleased to see how well he was doing. On the Friday two weeks after they came back, we all got invitations to J's christening - the following Sunday. There was no mention of this when my aunt and uncle visited, though it takes more than a fornight to plan and book a christening. And there was no way any of us could go at that short notice. Even if he didn't take into account my sister and I having exams and Saturday jobs (and to be fair, why should he?), there's the cost of flying people from Glasgow to Plymouth at such short notice (my mum checked and it would have been several hundred pounds each). There's also the fact that Jill's youngest doesn't have a passport, so she'd have had to drive the length of the country on her own (her husband is a manager of a hotel and can't possibly get weekends off at short notice) with a toddler and a baby. And he can't have forgotten that his father is a Kirk minister and need months notice to get someone to cover his parish on a Sunday.
It's sad, and really selfish not to consider my aunt and uncle and their wish to be there. And Kate's devastated that he's practically disowning us in favour of his wife's family. She's incredibly hurt. So am I. I look at it rationally and I could see it coming. This wasn't sudden. He'd been drifting away for a while and I knew it. But this is a deliberate cutting of ties and that's more painful than looking round in a few years and realising that he had gradually disappeared.
My aunt and uncle won't give up. They will still make annual visits to see him and their grandchildren. He'll probably still get birthday and Christmas cards and presents. Though my mum and sister were so upset they didn't arrange anything for the christening. And he might look round one day, realise what he's missing and come back to us. But only time will tell.
EDIT: I spoke to my sister tonight and found out that:
- Jonny has now announced the reason J's christening was "rushed" was so that J could go into hospital for another operation. No one knew about the operation until after the fact either. And I still think he could have called to tell us, or put a note explaining what was going on into the invitations.
- My gran has been quite sick for the past couple of weeks. She's feeling better but there's something wrong with her leg that's left her pretty much bed-bound for the moment. Kate thought I knew. No one had told me. I know they didn't want to worry me while my exams were on, but they know how I feel about this and nothing was said when I spoke to my dad yesterday after my exams were over. That's one thing I'll have to be grateful for when I'm back in Glasgow. No one can stop me knowing what's going on when I plan on spending at least one night a week with my gran.