The Expendables - A report
The Expendables - A report
by Scott Woods on Friday, August 13, 2010 at 4:35pm
[The following information was culled from notes in a Hello Kitty poetry journal left behind in movie theater #16 at the Easton Town Centre after a 12:45 screening of The Expendables. This information is provided before the report of events that followed so as to establish a chronological record of events. - sf]
I pulled my car into Easton Town Center because they had the closest movie time to high noon (symbolism!) on my side of town once I put some pants on (day off...woohoo!). I found parking difficult, but not adversarial, and was soon on my way to the ticket booth. I walked quickly past the stores - Shadowbox Cabaret, Foot Locker, a few jewelry kiosks, and the mall security office with its cute frosted windowpanes for extra security ("It's always Christmas in Security!" I bet their coffee mugs say). I was running a few minutes late by the time I stood in line for tickets, then purchased nachos (extra cheese!), then to pay for my goodies, but nothing crazy (save those prices! Whew! Did that bottle of water really come out OVER three dollars?!). I still caught three previews before the lights went dim and my childhood - Rocky IV, Rambo, bows and arrows in the backyard, an Everybody Hates Chris-like reverence for action hero icons, homemade nunchakus built from broken broom sticks - returned to me in vivid, living color.
Huh. Motorcycles.
Oh, that's cool, Mickey Rourke is really putting himself into this.
Dolph Lundgren's accent seems a little muddy, but he's clearly having fun.
Has Stallone had work? Maybe his eyebrows. And Jet Li has clearly had some English classes...
Oh.
Oh my.
Ooo...ha ha: that guy's head just got twisted all the way around.
Woaw.
Woaw!
WOAW, was that...?
Did Jet Li just kick a guy's head backwards on his neck?!
What the..?
Holy shit, that looks way cooler now than it did in the trailer!
You tell 'em, Bruce! Fucking doggie snacks!
PICK-UP TRUCK CHASE SCENE, HOOKERS!
Napalm the bridge! Why?! Because it's morning!!!
That is the loudest shotgun ever!
Did that guy's torso just DISAPPEAR?!
RELOAD! Point off the screen and reload, dammit!
Who throws a RAZORBLADE??!!! And HITS?!!! Oh my GOD!!!!
G&*#&^*7!!!!!
[At this point the reviewer left the theater and all further information is provided by eyewitness accounts of various Easton Town Centre patrons and employees.]
"I was trying to clean the aisle but he wouldn't get out of the seat. I mean, the reel was already flipping white on the screen for like two minutes and the guy just wouldn't get up. He was gripping the arm rests until his knuckles were white, which was kind of cool, considering he's black. That's a hell of a grip."
- AMC Theaters attendant #2
"He came running out of the theater, ripping his shirt off and screaming at everyone that was waiting to come in, like, 'I'm not the one who's fucking expendable lady! YOU'RE the one who's expendable, trick! Ahhhh!' Then he climbed over the banister over there and landed on the roof of Max & Erma's. Then he tried to take a bite out of the big fake hamburger. I think he got some of it, too."
- AMC Theaters attendant #5
"I was just fucking pushing my kid along in the stroller on the way to White Barn Candle when this half-naked fucker drops down in front of us, grabs my baby out of the stroller, holds it up and says, 'Too small for Crews!' He tosses my baby back at me like we're in a fucking game of Hot Potato then runs off!"
- Patron #12
"Dude, it was kind of awesome until he held the gun to my head. Then it kind of sucked. I mean, it didn't have bullets or anything because, you know, he ripped it off a display model PS3, but still. It was like he was having flashbacks or something. So not cool."
- Game Stop employee
"I have never seen anyone do that with a shoe horn. I didn't even know we still had one of those in the shop. It was awful, but you couldn't stop looking. Five years I been working here. Never knew we had a show horn in the drawer."
- Foot Locker employee after witnessing what officials are calling the "horn rape episode".
"He snatched all of the necklaces and just started looping them over his head until they piled up around his neck, then he kicked over the entire kiosk, yelling "I pity the fool! I pity the fool that thinks Mr. T is too old for they fucking action movie, son! Clubber Lang! CLUBBER LANGGGGGG!' Then he peed on Heather, yelled "Napalm!!!!", then tried to set his pee on fire with a lighter. I fucking quit."
- Forever Gold kiosk employee #2
"I just...I just want to go home... Can I go home now? Please don't make me live it again..."
- Shadowbox Cabaret owner Steve Guyver