Sobriety - Final Chapter
Title: Sobriety
Author: Scotianova
Beta-fairy: Carol38
Disclaimer: I don't own them and writing about them is just for fun.
Genre/Moods: Insecurity, hurt, illumination leading to COMFORT :)
Pairing: Of course this journey is about Luke and Reid, however Gideon Masterson,
Reid’s assistant, and some other characters are joining them.
Warning: Noah is there - but less narrow-minded as I usually picture him.
Rating: sexual contents in some chapters
Summary: “I thought I was in control of everything. Structure, strategy, methodology meant almost everything to me; I had figured out my whole life - my professional and my personal. Then I met fate - face to face - I met it several times. But only the last encounter made me
understand: There is an elemental force out there. Call it fate, call it God, call it coincidence - whatever name you put on it doesn’t matter,but it’s there and you are powerless to fight it. You are supposed to go with it.”
(Reid S. Oliver, MD, professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School)
Sobriety 7
The moment I open my mailbox and notice your handwriting I start trembling - uncontrollably and it took me an hour before I was able to open your letter.
For a heartbeat after noticing the salutation I felt like dying.
“Luke!” with only an exclamation-mark behind my name! - This is screaming: “we are done” - but then, under the folding the upper part of a ‘B’ is blinking out and as I unfolded the paper the welcoming wave of ‘Terres d’Hermes” filled my eager nostrils.
God, how I miss your scent, Reid! How I miss you. All the time being separated hasn’t managed to soothe my longing for you. So I inhale the fading scent clinging to everything you’ve touched. I kiss the paper not caring if that is weird, a grown man kissing a letter.
I open my eyes and they glue to the second line for minutes.
“Beloved Luke!”
You actually admit it, you love me too. Yet I don’t jump for joy because I instantly know there is a “but” coming up.
“Reading your letter there is a part of me - and I might point out it’s a pretty big part - that wants to jump on a plane and rush to you instantly. You write and admit things I wanted to hear for a long time. And you’re honest and offer me your unprotected throat so how could I bite?
Yet, I quieted down the impatient parts of me because I can’t go running to you - for only one reason: I am not ready. Not yet! But I am willing to be as open and honest as you are:
Look, the time we met, I was a broken man. Well, I wasn’t trapped in an abyss of nothingness anymore, I had even found a way to fake living but I didn’t live appreciating life. Somehow I had missed the opportunity to turn up my toes and for lack of a better alternative I just went on eating, breathing, digesting, existing and functioning as a living organism. Due to Gideon’s (once you get to know him you’ll see he’s an amazing man) unshakeableness and Michael’s help, who is just a finer-tuned version of his “little brother” Gideon, I got better and was able to come back to life, yet the brokenness remained my omnipresent companion.
And then on an ordinary day - there came you.
YOU.
You jumped into my life like a curious, fearless joey, sniffing its edges, poking your cute (yes! I am really saying this) nose into things that weren’t your business at all. You had the audacity to follow me everywhere and chatter at me until I did What you wanted me to do.
And I?
I was smitten from the beginning.
Before I realized what was going on I fell in love with the way you proved your love for Noah.
The moment you offered that strange arrangement I knew it was going to be the death of me.
And I was so right, so RIGHT; because I knew from the very first time that we were a match. You are so responsive and open and unrestricted and free in bed - so how could I not fall for you deeper and deeper every time we met?
So yes, Luke, I love you, love you like I’ve never loved before -
but I am not ready yet.
You might ask what I mean by that.
Look, you weren’t ready for me either - at least not before me ‘banning’ you - God, sometimes I believe you should try classical theater - you needed time to learn who you are and who you want to be with.
And I need time to become the man I want to be when we finally meet again.
I need time to get back to what I am besides being ridiculously in love with the one who could teach me “audacity and impertinence”. - Great self-evaluation BTW!
So besides a being lovesick, I am a doctor and a neurosurgeon, and I must get back that part of being me.
And yes I am finally on the way to getting there again.
Today was a good day f.y.i. It wasn’t the big breakthrough, but it was something, really something.
A step, a bigger step than the appendectomies I performed last week.
Although I only finished up what Beth Mack had started and mostly performed I felt great. Beth is good and the second she looked up and asked: “Reid do you want to pick up from here?” I knew I could do it, because she only handed her surgery over to me because she was convinced I wouldn’t mess it up.
My hand was as steady as it should be, it didn’t betray me this time. Can you believe that?
What a step!
Well I have still to work out yet; five hours of standing in the operating room wore me out. But I can do that - have a brisk walk every morning, yoga twice a day.
Yet, I don’t want to get back to the rat race of having surgeries from morning to night. Life is too short for that and I want to continue teaching twice a week, so maybe I’ll do it, follow Gideon’s suggestion and open a private practice here. Beth told me she wants to slow down too, after having her baby and I think this could work, Beth, me and Gideon, a small private practice offering free treatment once a week.
So I had a good day and I dare hope I might even have a good night. And tonight I might even welcome the persistent dreams telling me of you, leading me to believe you’re here with me.
In the beginning I didn’t get why I am always dreaming about you being inside of me.
But I finally see the point remembering psychology lessons telling that the obvious symbols rarely mean the obvious. So feeling your hugeness moving inside of me, listening to your intense moans only indicates what I denied myself for way too long. You are inside of me Luke, always and there is no way to keep you quiet, no way to throw you out, because you invaded my system and now you reside in it and that feels good, so good now that I know you feel the same.
Nevertheless I want us to be on the same page when we finally meet again, however - like I said before - I need time to get there.
Luke, now it’s up to you to decide if you are willing to give me the time I need to become comfortable with me because I am sure that only then will we be comfortable with each other.
I want to ask you not to make a rash decision, not to jump on the plane to accelerate things, knowing you at least a bit I know you crave to help me get to where I want to be, but i have to do this alone.
But there are a few things I can promise you:
I won’t get involved with anyone else in the meanwhile, because I just know everyone else would be just a copy of you.
And in case my wish to fully recover from my mental blockade and get over my nervous trembling for good fails I am going to call you and see if we’d be able to figure out something together then.
Reid.
There it is again the dot behind our name. It still reminds me of those short pecks you add to your kisses before parting. As if to say now we have to stop kissing but also as if you wanted to leave a reminder.
God I love your weird antics.
P.S.
I don’t know if Noah told you that he showed up here. I think I needed him to tell me some things I might haven’t believed coming from you.
And I dare saying I am glad he did, because I finally don’t believe anymore that you were an Idiot wasting your love on a weird guy who rejected you.
…
You!
I want to jump on a plane instantly too, a plane bringing my miserable self to you for you to hold me and comfort me and kiss me and do the most insane things to me that only you can.
But the time with you (and without you) has changed me and so I can promise you something too:
Although the waiting will almost kill me again I am going to wait patiently for you to come to me when you are ready.
The second option though is nothing I have on my radar, since I just know you will make it; you will fight your way back in the operating room - just because you finally want it for real.
And what Reid Oliver really wants - he gets in the end.
And so do I.
I am waiting here - so hurry up - please.
Luke!
P.S: I am endlessly relieved that you stopped thinking of me as an idiot!.:)