Last words from a wonderful friend
This is the second time I have been in Florida since Mike died... but the first time was just for his funeral. I have been trying not to dwell on his absence, but it has been killing me inside nonetheless. It's hard to let go of such a wonderful part of my life.. and all of the things that only he and I shared. I can't help but want to stay out on the ocean all day on my longboard, to remember what we both loved so much. I remember waking before sunrise to surf with him on Sundays. I remember swimming past the breakers and spending hours out on the calm water. I remember catching waves and standing on the board for the first time, and how he was there for every part of it. I remember when he called me after I moved away to tell me that he had surfed inside a huge wave for the first time and the water curled over his head like a big, blue tunnel... And I was the first person he called, and like a little boy he was just overwhelmed with excitement. He always made me smile, and we were ALWAYS FRIENDS. Being here will never be the same for me, because I will never stop wishing for our time together to come back. I wonder how all the losses in my life can possibly make me stronger, when I feel nothing but helplessness when I think of them.
Heather is right.... It's very difficult being here without you, Mike.
The last I heard from Mike:
"Babe, I just want to let you know that I miss you so terribly. I think about you several times daily. Everything somehow always comes back to thinking about you. It's so pathetic that I cannot move on from missing you so much... that I cannot let go. I hope you are doing very well and are very happy. You deserve it so much. For everything that I did that I shouldn't have, I am so sorry. It still haunts me to this day. I wish so hard I would have done those few things so different. No matter who I date, I feel a tremendous void. I must admit, life would be much easier if I could just move on from you, but I just can't. I so hope to see you soon. I miss you."
If there is a God, I think he hates me.