(no subject)
hello lj.... are u alive? I feel like u are on life support just hanging by a thread... noone comes to visit you or send you flowers but noone has the heart to pull the cord eather... well here i am to pay you a breif visit. I will regale you with my story wile u lay comotose and dont respond...perhaps you dont even know im here or speaking but it just feels good to think mabey... just mabey i have you there to listen to what i wont say to most people.
So on with the misery.
Im really getting frusterated with gay life... ive done my time at the bars and party circut and tho i dont regret it, im just really over it....
What was that? Then why am i buying a bar? Well good question but its off topic..lets get to that later... now back on track!
As i was saying... im over the bar/club/party/circut scene thing... the glamor and glitter loud techno blur of my early adulthood has suddenly lost all its alice in wonderland like intrigue and charm... I want something real, tangible, solid... I guess ive gotten past that chapter and am ready for the chapter that in so many lives is the "settleing down" part. Problem is... it seems most of my peers are still in the party mode and are nowhere near ready to settle down. This to me is well unsettling and worsened when i look at other age groups to see if i can gage by them at what age i can exspect others to acheive this desire. Sad thing is, id dosnt seem to happen at any age...be he newbie 18 yr old 60yr old retiree, they all seem to have the same general lack of maturity and primitive like carnal desire for that which is satisfing to the flesh no matter how temporary the gratification may be.
I want a house in the suburbs with a white pickit fence, a dog and 1.5 wellbehaved children with a 9-5 job working upper middleclass husband who is a great father. I want a little slice of heternormative 1950s americana. Not to slip away into some coke and booze enduced land of temporary enchantment and exscape to wake up smelling like bar wondering where i am as i try to peice together parts of the night(s) prior. I dont want the exitment of a new man everynight (not that i have that now) i want the comfort and familiarity of the same man every day from now untill we die. Boaring? Fine call it that... i call it stable and safe. Im done seeking to shake things up... i want things to stop shakeing all together.
Now granted some day soon i will get the urdge to go out and get waisted and act a fool and will very likly do so... adn i work at a bar.. so it makes its all seem like a big conundrum... but i dont want to be a part of the bar scene anymore... I am buying the bar not to be more apart of the sence but to exscape it... to hopefuly be a sucessful busness person and not have to be at the bar all the time drinking but to hide in the office do paper work during a normal persons schedual and be home before 5. I look forward to not being up all hours and not haveing a constant hang over... Bar life starts out fun but really its a yound mans game and at some age you have to grow up and move on. Im at that point i just wish i could find someone to go threw this next chapter with me not for the rest of my lifes book to be alone and different.
Thanks for listening Lj... i promise ill send flowers! Enjoy the jello and sponge bath!
So on with the misery.
Im really getting frusterated with gay life... ive done my time at the bars and party circut and tho i dont regret it, im just really over it....
What was that? Then why am i buying a bar? Well good question but its off topic..lets get to that later... now back on track!
As i was saying... im over the bar/club/party/circut scene thing... the glamor and glitter loud techno blur of my early adulthood has suddenly lost all its alice in wonderland like intrigue and charm... I want something real, tangible, solid... I guess ive gotten past that chapter and am ready for the chapter that in so many lives is the "settleing down" part. Problem is... it seems most of my peers are still in the party mode and are nowhere near ready to settle down. This to me is well unsettling and worsened when i look at other age groups to see if i can gage by them at what age i can exspect others to acheive this desire. Sad thing is, id dosnt seem to happen at any age...be he newbie 18 yr old 60yr old retiree, they all seem to have the same general lack of maturity and primitive like carnal desire for that which is satisfing to the flesh no matter how temporary the gratification may be.
I want a house in the suburbs with a white pickit fence, a dog and 1.5 wellbehaved children with a 9-5 job working upper middleclass husband who is a great father. I want a little slice of heternormative 1950s americana. Not to slip away into some coke and booze enduced land of temporary enchantment and exscape to wake up smelling like bar wondering where i am as i try to peice together parts of the night(s) prior. I dont want the exitment of a new man everynight (not that i have that now) i want the comfort and familiarity of the same man every day from now untill we die. Boaring? Fine call it that... i call it stable and safe. Im done seeking to shake things up... i want things to stop shakeing all together.
Now granted some day soon i will get the urdge to go out and get waisted and act a fool and will very likly do so... adn i work at a bar.. so it makes its all seem like a big conundrum... but i dont want to be a part of the bar scene anymore... I am buying the bar not to be more apart of the sence but to exscape it... to hopefuly be a sucessful busness person and not have to be at the bar all the time drinking but to hide in the office do paper work during a normal persons schedual and be home before 5. I look forward to not being up all hours and not haveing a constant hang over... Bar life starts out fun but really its a yound mans game and at some age you have to grow up and move on. Im at that point i just wish i could find someone to go threw this next chapter with me not for the rest of my lifes book to be alone and different.
Thanks for listening Lj... i promise ill send flowers! Enjoy the jello and sponge bath!