(no subject)
So live journal i have returned to randomly dump some thoughts on you as you are cheap counceling. Can you perscribe meds?
SO anyway my last post was in part about enjoying/acepting/wanting to grow up.... wanting the whole suburban american dream.
Well ive made great strides in getting closer. Ive now bought my 2nd house and am liveing in a great neigborhood and settling in to it nicely. Im many ways i enjoy the quite and peicful suburbs and how respectable ppl and their property is around here....In a few weeks i will be self employed in my first business venture (owning the bar ive been working at for the last 5 yrs)... and due to or perhaps despite these acheivments my post in someways is contradictory to my last....
I suddenly miss being neive, irisponcible and crazy. I suddenly miss haveing roomates... the company alone was nice... someone to watch movies and TV with, have dinner together and inside jokes... i miss it a little even if it means fighting over bills and grocerys lol. I miss going out and being care free... ive lost the ability to cut loose and have a good time, im now always very self aware and dont want to be trashy or to get my self in trouble. ...
Its as if in the last 2 yrs ive gone from being way too wild and imiture to way too boring nad mature.... and i just keep pileing on the responcibilities. I need to find a balance to the two.
I very much should for all intentse and purpouces be very content and happy with how my life has been turning out yet im just not fully happy/satisified. I mean from the outside it seems pretty great ive attained and even surpassed soo many goals i had for my self yet i feel i mabey forcused too much and had too much drive tward the future and goals i have all together forgotten how to enjoy life and live in the monment. As i said for all intentce and purpouces i should be very happy as all is great, on paper so to speak, but i also feel ive created a rut... a very nice comfy rut but a rut non the less... Its work work work, pay bills, work tward the future. Day in day out its always more of the same and its so predictable... i need to break up this monotony but dont know how. I cant go out and just have fun cuae i have to be responcible or to have too much to do the next day, or am being texted/called while im out with business crap. The last time in about a year i really let go and forgot my life and enjoyed my self was on vacation with Chrisitna, but i should be able to feel that way more then 1 week of the yr... Problem is i need new ppl to do new thigns with. The friends i still maintian a real freindship with have also become so familiar and its not that i dont want to be their friends i just wish i knew how to be outgoing and also make some new friends with new intrests to introduce me to things that would be new and exciteing to me again... something to add a little spice and magic to life again....
Ive thought about saying fuck it, selling the houses and moveing cross country to somewhere new and strange yet its so much to loose or risk... the very things that caused my meloncoly... the comfort of a steady good job, a comfortable stable home, friends im familiar with. Would those not be things id desire any where so why not stay where i know i can count on them instead of wondering and worrying will i be able to recreate these things anew else where? Or perhaps its that unsolid grownd, the risk and uncertainty that create such excitment and pashion and drive? Mabey its more fun to have not and dream of what one day can be then to have acheived even ur most wildest of dreams.
Im kind of out of dreams... i feel like whats left? Mabey a little bigger house in a few yrs or a nicer car... a couple vacations ive wanted to do... not much left to fill in the next 40-50 yrs (assuming i live a normal life span) ... what does it leave? Im out of things that are new and i havent done or tried... theres not much curioisty or questions im dieing to find answers too....just ageing wich isnt all that great after this point. I feel like i reached my peak and now have to just cost threw to death? (sorry to be morbidly deoressing). I feel like this level of bordem is something one shouldnt even start to feel until there 40s. I hope its just a faze and something/someone new will spark a new adventrue and a rebirth of excitment for me in the future (hopefuly all positive things).
Im not entirly sure what the jist of this is... I guess something in my just clicked i guess that the big crazy fun exiting chapters of my life have been written all ready... the direction that the book of my life is going is pretty much determined for sure now and that the best in many ways is now only behind me and cant be relived so i just wish i didnt rush sooo much to get to the next chapter but had enjoyed it just a little longer as i cant go back.
despite being content, im boared! How does one regain a little of the care free magic nad mystery of youth?
SO anyway my last post was in part about enjoying/acepting/wanting to grow up.... wanting the whole suburban american dream.
Well ive made great strides in getting closer. Ive now bought my 2nd house and am liveing in a great neigborhood and settling in to it nicely. Im many ways i enjoy the quite and peicful suburbs and how respectable ppl and their property is around here....In a few weeks i will be self employed in my first business venture (owning the bar ive been working at for the last 5 yrs)... and due to or perhaps despite these acheivments my post in someways is contradictory to my last....
I suddenly miss being neive, irisponcible and crazy. I suddenly miss haveing roomates... the company alone was nice... someone to watch movies and TV with, have dinner together and inside jokes... i miss it a little even if it means fighting over bills and grocerys lol. I miss going out and being care free... ive lost the ability to cut loose and have a good time, im now always very self aware and dont want to be trashy or to get my self in trouble. ...
Its as if in the last 2 yrs ive gone from being way too wild and imiture to way too boring nad mature.... and i just keep pileing on the responcibilities. I need to find a balance to the two.
I very much should for all intentse and purpouces be very content and happy with how my life has been turning out yet im just not fully happy/satisified. I mean from the outside it seems pretty great ive attained and even surpassed soo many goals i had for my self yet i feel i mabey forcused too much and had too much drive tward the future and goals i have all together forgotten how to enjoy life and live in the monment. As i said for all intentce and purpouces i should be very happy as all is great, on paper so to speak, but i also feel ive created a rut... a very nice comfy rut but a rut non the less... Its work work work, pay bills, work tward the future. Day in day out its always more of the same and its so predictable... i need to break up this monotony but dont know how. I cant go out and just have fun cuae i have to be responcible or to have too much to do the next day, or am being texted/called while im out with business crap. The last time in about a year i really let go and forgot my life and enjoyed my self was on vacation with Chrisitna, but i should be able to feel that way more then 1 week of the yr... Problem is i need new ppl to do new thigns with. The friends i still maintian a real freindship with have also become so familiar and its not that i dont want to be their friends i just wish i knew how to be outgoing and also make some new friends with new intrests to introduce me to things that would be new and exciteing to me again... something to add a little spice and magic to life again....
Ive thought about saying fuck it, selling the houses and moveing cross country to somewhere new and strange yet its so much to loose or risk... the very things that caused my meloncoly... the comfort of a steady good job, a comfortable stable home, friends im familiar with. Would those not be things id desire any where so why not stay where i know i can count on them instead of wondering and worrying will i be able to recreate these things anew else where? Or perhaps its that unsolid grownd, the risk and uncertainty that create such excitment and pashion and drive? Mabey its more fun to have not and dream of what one day can be then to have acheived even ur most wildest of dreams.
Im kind of out of dreams... i feel like whats left? Mabey a little bigger house in a few yrs or a nicer car... a couple vacations ive wanted to do... not much left to fill in the next 40-50 yrs (assuming i live a normal life span) ... what does it leave? Im out of things that are new and i havent done or tried... theres not much curioisty or questions im dieing to find answers too....just ageing wich isnt all that great after this point. I feel like i reached my peak and now have to just cost threw to death? (sorry to be morbidly deoressing). I feel like this level of bordem is something one shouldnt even start to feel until there 40s. I hope its just a faze and something/someone new will spark a new adventrue and a rebirth of excitment for me in the future (hopefuly all positive things).
Im not entirly sure what the jist of this is... I guess something in my just clicked i guess that the big crazy fun exiting chapters of my life have been written all ready... the direction that the book of my life is going is pretty much determined for sure now and that the best in many ways is now only behind me and cant be relived so i just wish i didnt rush sooo much to get to the next chapter but had enjoyed it just a little longer as i cant go back.
despite being content, im boared! How does one regain a little of the care free magic nad mystery of youth?