(no subject)
I don’t know if I’m trying to find meaning where there isn’t any, just because I need it. But I have been reading the latest Dresden Files, and I feel for Molly, feel like Molly. I don’t know if I’m taking my latest experiences too far or just using her as a model, or even justification for the road I’m choosing to walk down now.
This last relationship nearly killed me, twice. Thank the lords and ladies that I found the strength to not let it. I guess truly this was my first heart break, devastating, and has started unraveling some of, if not all of, my confidence in myself. For those who don’t know, this is what happened.
He was fake, wonderfully and dangerously fake. He told me I was perfect… lies. He told me tails about our future, sold me on the idea of a normal and mundane life… ripped me from what I saw my future as. Promised me so many wondrous adventures… and kept me stuck in those dreams. While he was doing this, I gave him everything I could have ever mustered. Then, a day before my birthday, while I was having a break down, hurting and scared, I asked him for a hug, and he said that he didn’t love me… didn’t even feel friendship towards me. Out of no where…. no fights… nothing… just so much of nothing. I thought I was wonderful, an amazing catch, and I meant nothing to him. How can I continue to think that? I’m a person who stakes more claims in data and results. I thought I was worth something, and in his eyes, I wasn’t even worth a hug. It’s been the hardest to carry on after that, keep my confidence up, walk with pride, when in the back of my head a little voice says I was worth nothing. I gave everything, I gave my absolute very best, and it wasn’t even worth a hug.
People say it was just because he was stupid, horrifically broken. But I can’t keep this up, the mirror in which I see myself is cracked and the fissures are growing. How can someone so simple undo so much work I did growing myself? Oh how horribly I want someone to stand up and defend my honor, old school. But I know that is not going to happen.
I know my problem…. I feel betrayed by myself…by my love. I know it’s in nature to do everything for love, but I was so stupid. Why on earth did I fall back into a relationship, I was doing so well on my own, and I was so strong, so willful. I let myself be swayed by lies and empty promises, so stupid. I must never let myself go back to that, ever! I’m getting back on track; still my foundation has been shattered.
I guess in my own way I am like Molly, shell shocked and broken. The mere idea of a relationship starts me into a near panic attack. Something so devastating and horribly blind isn’t needed in this life, I refuse.
And I have to stay strong, fight my own fights, but still I want those around me to look at me and see the evil that man did to me.