Finale
It is completely over now. 6 months and it's gone now. No turning back like all the other times. I'm relieved and pained at the same time. I feel freer that I have in months, yet I feel empty inside. I'm going to be ok though. I knew this would happen eventually, and I knew that things would end like this. I just didn't expect it so soon. I know I
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Kat, When you decided that you would do anything to be with this guy who degraded you constantly; kept you uncertain of not only yourself, but also the friends you'd known for much longer than you'd known him; who didn't allow you to be yourself and didn't believe in your talents-- and in doing so, made you doubt that you had any talents or interests worth having.... When you decided you would do anything to be with him, I didn't recognize you. I didn't know who I was friends with, and I didn't know how you had managed to change, why, if that was the change you wanted. I couldn't tell any of those things, because when I talked to you, you always said you missed who you were-- then it was contradicted with you wanting to go deeper and deeper into what you said you didn't want to be. it didn't make sense to me. I won't say that every time you talked to me it was this way, but nearly three-quarters of the time we talked, you were unhappy, or Antreas was mad, or you were bending the truth a little not to hurt him. The Kat I knew didn't want to put up with any of that, and said she was going to get away from it the first time she had the chance.
You've never asked me to be alone for you. I thank you.
But I ask this--
If you see in a relationship that I'm unhappy more often than I am content...
If you ever hear anything of my being hit
Or called a whore
Or not allowed to contact my friends because of their nationality
Or not encouraged to play cello, write lyrics, poetry, stories
Or not allowed to hang out with certain people because they disagree with my partner's beliefs
Or not encouraged to grow, ponder, be happy, content and proud of who I am, where I came from, and where I'm going
If you ever cannot recognise who I've become,
Do the same to me as I have done to you.
I do not know where to go from here.
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I don't recognize myself anymore either, though last night was the first time I felt somewhat the old me, and it was commented on by several friends.
I don't recognize me because:
1. The old me never took as much shit as I have in the past 4 months.
2. The old me would never have lied like this to the one I love.
3. The old me would not have disappointed my dad in such a way.
When he did break up with me two days ago, all I could do and think about was to beg him back. But that only lasted for perhaps a day and then I just gave in. I realized:
1. You cannot give your full heart to one person. There is family and friends to share your heart.
2. A person who loves you would not ask you to be alone.
3. If he loved me enough, he would be able to accept that I hang out with people he doesn't like and vice versa.
I've buried my true self somewhere and I'm on the way to finding her again. Like I mentioned before, I feel freer, but it's not easy. I do love him despite everything he's done to me. Thank god for friends...
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ALWAYS and forever,
Tom
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