anxiety
My surgery is tomorrow. I havent slept in almost 2 days. Im having nightmares about things going wrong so i try to stay awake as long as i can by watching movies i own or laying in bed listening to my ipod. Anything to keep my mind off what is comming so fast.
I went to dinner with my friend last night. We got into a heated arguement the night of my birthday based on our past together. Let me explain. We dated for around 2 months. The first month we were around eachother 24/7 but then school started and it was like i didnt exsist anymore. We never talked we never saw eachother so we broke it off. We both figured out fast that we were so much better as friends. And we have remained friends for going on 3 years. We get along amazingly well and can talk about almos anything. We have had our problems like alot of friendships do but we figured them out along the way. Well along the way there has always been an underlying issue of us. We broke it off because she wasnt out. And i was. Well now she is out, more like the token lesbian of her school, and ive come out as trans and live my life as a male. Our relationship still hasnt changed. But we fought anyway about how she jipped me out of a relationship with her (shes made out with me on a many sober occasions and talks about our realtioship with me before so i know im not blowing it up to sumthing its not) how just because im trans means im not dateable. Which i think is bullshit. Now that she is totally out she feels me being trans will strip her of the gay title she apparently so deserpatly wants. But at dinner we talked about the fight, we talked about girls, hers and mine, we talked about my surgery. I told her im nervous. That is kidna like a vacation ive been planning for so long and always figure its going to be so far away and now its here and i still have a shit load of packing to do.
Im ready for this. Im excteid for this. Im terrified of this. I want this so bad. This time tomorrow ill be having something done to me that is going to make me so happy so comfortable with myself.
My sister agreed to come with me on the 17th to pick angie up from her college to stay the night at my house and bring her to the hockey rink for her game the next day. Im stoked that shes comming, i really want to see her and spend some time with her on my home turf. Angie is the first girl to acutally know im trans and still 100% view me as a guy. We can joke about wearing dresses when we were little and she will still call me he. She knows about the surgery she knows all about it and she still likes me. It eases my nerves a little because being friends with someone who is ftm is different than dating an ftm. Alot of the girls ive met either 1-knew me pre trans so they still call me she and wont look at me like a male no matter how much i change 2- accepct that i am trans but dont call me he 3- dont view me as dating material. Ive had one girl go as far as calling me caiden but in the same breath telling me i dont count as a guy because i was born a girl so its okay if she dates me. I was liek fuck you dude thats shit. So angie gives me something to look forward too.
I went to dinner with my friend last night. We got into a heated arguement the night of my birthday based on our past together. Let me explain. We dated for around 2 months. The first month we were around eachother 24/7 but then school started and it was like i didnt exsist anymore. We never talked we never saw eachother so we broke it off. We both figured out fast that we were so much better as friends. And we have remained friends for going on 3 years. We get along amazingly well and can talk about almos anything. We have had our problems like alot of friendships do but we figured them out along the way. Well along the way there has always been an underlying issue of us. We broke it off because she wasnt out. And i was. Well now she is out, more like the token lesbian of her school, and ive come out as trans and live my life as a male. Our relationship still hasnt changed. But we fought anyway about how she jipped me out of a relationship with her (shes made out with me on a many sober occasions and talks about our realtioship with me before so i know im not blowing it up to sumthing its not) how just because im trans means im not dateable. Which i think is bullshit. Now that she is totally out she feels me being trans will strip her of the gay title she apparently so deserpatly wants. But at dinner we talked about the fight, we talked about girls, hers and mine, we talked about my surgery. I told her im nervous. That is kidna like a vacation ive been planning for so long and always figure its going to be so far away and now its here and i still have a shit load of packing to do.
Im ready for this. Im excteid for this. Im terrified of this. I want this so bad. This time tomorrow ill be having something done to me that is going to make me so happy so comfortable with myself.
My sister agreed to come with me on the 17th to pick angie up from her college to stay the night at my house and bring her to the hockey rink for her game the next day. Im stoked that shes comming, i really want to see her and spend some time with her on my home turf. Angie is the first girl to acutally know im trans and still 100% view me as a guy. We can joke about wearing dresses when we were little and she will still call me he. She knows about the surgery she knows all about it and she still likes me. It eases my nerves a little because being friends with someone who is ftm is different than dating an ftm. Alot of the girls ive met either 1-knew me pre trans so they still call me she and wont look at me like a male no matter how much i change 2- accepct that i am trans but dont call me he 3- dont view me as dating material. Ive had one girl go as far as calling me caiden but in the same breath telling me i dont count as a guy because i was born a girl so its okay if she dates me. I was liek fuck you dude thats shit. So angie gives me something to look forward too.