(no subject)
You ever sit and wonder what life would be like if you did something different if the circumstances were just a tiny bit different? I do
I got off the phone with a girl i dated almost 2 years ago and havent spoken to in about a year. I was introduced to her by a friend of mine who was rooming across the hall from her in an wicked nice art school in NH. Things didnt work out with us cause we were 2 states away and alot of conflict stemmed from that. Not going to lie i really did like her and if she lived/lives closer im sure me and her would still be together. We got along extremly well, she understood the trans thing,,,and it didnt bother her at all. I hurt her. So in my own warped way the only way to protect her from getting hurt more by me was to cut off contact. She has tried to contact me to be friends and just talk but i was always a douche. And im sorry for that. But talking to her makes me wish shit didnt hit the fan. Things are going good for her...i wouldnt want to fuck that up. Fianlly her life is comming together just as mine seems to be comming apart. I guess i miss how she treated me, how we could goof off for hours and it didnt matter, that she acutally liked dating me and wanted to talk to me and see me. I miss having someone like that.
I realize i could be in a destructive relationship both mentally and emotionally but yet i cant walk away from her. Yes i do care about her...i care about her a buttload...but she doesnt want to put a title on us again...at least not any time soon. But we still continue to hold hands and act like we are dating calling every night before one of us goes to bed, texting randomly through out the day, me driving to see her while she is working just to give her something to do. The tattoo came out great...i love it. I am in no way going to regret having this done. I showed it to her...she didnt like how it had her intials on it...but she doesnt like intials on people period...but other than that she said she liked it. Which is good...when she asked why i got it there i told her i wear my heart on my sleeve...litterally. I mean what i say to her and that will never change.
Im nervous about for when the therapist comes back and i have to meet with her. Im afraid she wont want to give me the letter so i can pass it along to the surgeron and then ill be waiting even longer than i have to to have my chest done. Im very impatient...but i think about it so often that i even have dreams about it. Sometimes the dreams are in my favor and other times they arent. Im stoked about getting the dog soon...well i hope soon. I havent really heard any word on when i can acutally take him home but i cant wait to have him. I am finally ready to take on having something rely on me and to be mine and to love me...im ready to be a dad. Now all i am working on is saving my money...putting money in the bank and in my check book. I figure if i get the chest done ill still have money left over in my savings which would be fantastic. Then i could save up for other stuff that i want...like movies, stuff for hte dog, cds, new speakers for my truck and of course a bow flex..those things are hte shit.
I ran into an old family friend last night while i was out on my quest to buy movies for myself. Since i have a sick movie collection that just keeps getting bigger...it ranges from old movies to newer movies, like black and whites to transgender themed. I just keep adding movies to the list and im slowly working on buying them all. Everytime i go to the store i have a pen and paper handy to write the new titles i want down. But anyways back to the family friend...i grew up with her...she used to be best freinds with my older sister and now her folks are good friends with my folks. My sister and her dont talk anymore becuase my sisters is uptight and a bitch and dana is a wee bit weird. But it was nice to get to chill with her...she knows about the trans thing and thinks its pretty cool how my mom is handling things (if youve met my mom you would understand why she said this) but she told me ive seem to come out of my shell alot more since ive become comfortable in being trans and am taking the steps neccesary to be happy. It was really nice to just joke about shit thats happened over hte years and how much we all have changed. Plus they have so many fuckin animals in that apartment i felt like i was in the jungle book.
I just feel like some aspects of my life are comming together while other aspects are falling apart
I got off the phone with a girl i dated almost 2 years ago and havent spoken to in about a year. I was introduced to her by a friend of mine who was rooming across the hall from her in an wicked nice art school in NH. Things didnt work out with us cause we were 2 states away and alot of conflict stemmed from that. Not going to lie i really did like her and if she lived/lives closer im sure me and her would still be together. We got along extremly well, she understood the trans thing,,,and it didnt bother her at all. I hurt her. So in my own warped way the only way to protect her from getting hurt more by me was to cut off contact. She has tried to contact me to be friends and just talk but i was always a douche. And im sorry for that. But talking to her makes me wish shit didnt hit the fan. Things are going good for her...i wouldnt want to fuck that up. Fianlly her life is comming together just as mine seems to be comming apart. I guess i miss how she treated me, how we could goof off for hours and it didnt matter, that she acutally liked dating me and wanted to talk to me and see me. I miss having someone like that.
I realize i could be in a destructive relationship both mentally and emotionally but yet i cant walk away from her. Yes i do care about her...i care about her a buttload...but she doesnt want to put a title on us again...at least not any time soon. But we still continue to hold hands and act like we are dating calling every night before one of us goes to bed, texting randomly through out the day, me driving to see her while she is working just to give her something to do. The tattoo came out great...i love it. I am in no way going to regret having this done. I showed it to her...she didnt like how it had her intials on it...but she doesnt like intials on people period...but other than that she said she liked it. Which is good...when she asked why i got it there i told her i wear my heart on my sleeve...litterally. I mean what i say to her and that will never change.
Im nervous about for when the therapist comes back and i have to meet with her. Im afraid she wont want to give me the letter so i can pass it along to the surgeron and then ill be waiting even longer than i have to to have my chest done. Im very impatient...but i think about it so often that i even have dreams about it. Sometimes the dreams are in my favor and other times they arent. Im stoked about getting the dog soon...well i hope soon. I havent really heard any word on when i can acutally take him home but i cant wait to have him. I am finally ready to take on having something rely on me and to be mine and to love me...im ready to be a dad. Now all i am working on is saving my money...putting money in the bank and in my check book. I figure if i get the chest done ill still have money left over in my savings which would be fantastic. Then i could save up for other stuff that i want...like movies, stuff for hte dog, cds, new speakers for my truck and of course a bow flex..those things are hte shit.
I ran into an old family friend last night while i was out on my quest to buy movies for myself. Since i have a sick movie collection that just keeps getting bigger...it ranges from old movies to newer movies, like black and whites to transgender themed. I just keep adding movies to the list and im slowly working on buying them all. Everytime i go to the store i have a pen and paper handy to write the new titles i want down. But anyways back to the family friend...i grew up with her...she used to be best freinds with my older sister and now her folks are good friends with my folks. My sister and her dont talk anymore becuase my sisters is uptight and a bitch and dana is a wee bit weird. But it was nice to get to chill with her...she knows about the trans thing and thinks its pretty cool how my mom is handling things (if youve met my mom you would understand why she said this) but she told me ive seem to come out of my shell alot more since ive become comfortable in being trans and am taking the steps neccesary to be happy. It was really nice to just joke about shit thats happened over hte years and how much we all have changed. Plus they have so many fuckin animals in that apartment i felt like i was in the jungle book.
I just feel like some aspects of my life are comming together while other aspects are falling apart