(no subject)
I had lunch with my grandparents this afternoon. I gave them my "comming out" letter in terms of being trans. I say it like that because my mom had already smoothed the path down for me a little by telling them the reason i was so unhappy was that i should have been a boy and as much as they agreed i dont think they believed my mom. So i gave them the letter after i got out of their car today and i havent had any emails, phone calls from them or my mom yet. Which i was hoping i might get something...anything. Maybe they said something to my mom and i just havent been home yet because i am at work.
So im a daddy...my girlfriends dog had puppies today. And im SO excited to finally have them be here. Ive been waiting for months for these lil suckers to come around. Unfortuantly im not sure how they are doing since when i talked to my girl this morning 2 had already died and she was bawling because the one came out i guess with no bones and it was just a blob. She was really upset over it and i wasnt quiet sure what i should do about it. I guess i take after my dad alot in that field. Growing up he has always been emotionally distant with all of us kids and i guess when people get upset i become distant too becuase im not too sure what i am supposed to be saying or doing without comming off like im an asshole or like i dont care. Im not an overly touchy feely guy but i can be emotional with my girlfriends and some close close friends but most of the time i tend to keep that kind of stuff to myself.
Speaking of my girlfrined shes in this huge funk lately the past couple of days and im not quiet sure what i am supposed to do. I really care about her...even though we havent been together for too long. ITs like we both have this connection of struggling to accept and connect with ourselves. Sometimes it become all too consuming for her. I can sort out my stuff by talking to my parents or best friend or just writing it down because most of it has to do with being trans. But her problems stem from herself nad what she thinks of herslef. And it seems that no matter what i do or say she wont believe me. She tells me all the time i should leave, i should get out, that she is going to fuck up my life and that i dont know what i am getting msyelf into and i should realize shes disgusting. But i dont see any of that. When i look at her i see this extremly beautiful girl who is funny, open minded and cares alot about people and her family even if she talks like she doesnt. I wont walk away from her because i want to be with her. I dont see how she will fuck up my life when i am the one who is planning on taking hormones nad getting my chest removed so i think i would be flipping her life around more than she would flip mine around. I know she has some problems that only herself can take care of. Im not out to save her. I just wish she would let me stay and not push so hard to make me walk. But hte only thing is i stayed in a an abusive relationship for 3 years becuase i cared about the girl and the girl treated me like complete shit. My current girlfreidn treats me ahella lot better than my ex ever did i feel extremely comfortable with my girlfreind and i dont want to lose that. I dont want to turn my back on her or what we could be just because she is hitting a rough patch right now. The only way i will walk away and step down is if she asks me too. I dont want to be a source of burden or heart ache to her and if staying with me isnt helping her then i will understnad stepping down. Itll hurt like hell becuase i think im in love with this girl and i want everything with her. I want the whole living together haveing a dog together falling asleep with her everynight deal. I cant help but get nervous when she starts to talk about how i need to realize shes no good that she is going to break up with me nad not give me or us a chance at this. I just want to see her to make sure everything is okay.
I have a consulation witha local surgeon who knows i am trans and even repsonded to my email using the correct name on july 27th im a little nervous because of my last encounter with a local surgeon...but this time i will come prepared with a letter from my thearpist stating i am not mentally ill and i know that this surgery is irrversable and i am old enough to understand that this is what i want and that i am gender dysphoric. I will make it so there isnt any complications this go around. Becaue to be honest with you...the binder is starting to make me feel liek crap. Not mentally...i love how i look completely flat when i put a shirt on. But the thing is having my chest out in the open digusts me and i dont want for people to see it...i dont even want to see it. So i never take my binder off unless its to shower then it goes right back on. I have dig marks on my shoulders and under my arms from the binder that are turning purple. Im getting pains in my ribs from being consrticted all the time. Its starting to give me alittle bit of back pain from keeping everything so tight all the time. Everytime i eat i feel like im going to be sick because my stomach cant expand. But i dont know what is worse...the pain i am putting myself through right now with the binder or the mental hatred id have towards myself if i didnt bind. I think the mental things is worst. i can suck up the other pain....alll i have to remember is sometime within the next few months my chest will hopefully be gone.
I can only hope i can pull all this off...i can get my girlfriend back to feeling like shes not a huge piece of shit, i can get my grandparents on board or just maybe on the shore of my transition, that my family will come around espoically my sisters. And this surgeon wont let me down. Plus i hope the puppies make it.
-caiden
So im a daddy...my girlfriends dog had puppies today. And im SO excited to finally have them be here. Ive been waiting for months for these lil suckers to come around. Unfortuantly im not sure how they are doing since when i talked to my girl this morning 2 had already died and she was bawling because the one came out i guess with no bones and it was just a blob. She was really upset over it and i wasnt quiet sure what i should do about it. I guess i take after my dad alot in that field. Growing up he has always been emotionally distant with all of us kids and i guess when people get upset i become distant too becuase im not too sure what i am supposed to be saying or doing without comming off like im an asshole or like i dont care. Im not an overly touchy feely guy but i can be emotional with my girlfriends and some close close friends but most of the time i tend to keep that kind of stuff to myself.
Speaking of my girlfrined shes in this huge funk lately the past couple of days and im not quiet sure what i am supposed to do. I really care about her...even though we havent been together for too long. ITs like we both have this connection of struggling to accept and connect with ourselves. Sometimes it become all too consuming for her. I can sort out my stuff by talking to my parents or best friend or just writing it down because most of it has to do with being trans. But her problems stem from herself nad what she thinks of herslef. And it seems that no matter what i do or say she wont believe me. She tells me all the time i should leave, i should get out, that she is going to fuck up my life and that i dont know what i am getting msyelf into and i should realize shes disgusting. But i dont see any of that. When i look at her i see this extremly beautiful girl who is funny, open minded and cares alot about people and her family even if she talks like she doesnt. I wont walk away from her because i want to be with her. I dont see how she will fuck up my life when i am the one who is planning on taking hormones nad getting my chest removed so i think i would be flipping her life around more than she would flip mine around. I know she has some problems that only herself can take care of. Im not out to save her. I just wish she would let me stay and not push so hard to make me walk. But hte only thing is i stayed in a an abusive relationship for 3 years becuase i cared about the girl and the girl treated me like complete shit. My current girlfreidn treats me ahella lot better than my ex ever did i feel extremely comfortable with my girlfreind and i dont want to lose that. I dont want to turn my back on her or what we could be just because she is hitting a rough patch right now. The only way i will walk away and step down is if she asks me too. I dont want to be a source of burden or heart ache to her and if staying with me isnt helping her then i will understnad stepping down. Itll hurt like hell becuase i think im in love with this girl and i want everything with her. I want the whole living together haveing a dog together falling asleep with her everynight deal. I cant help but get nervous when she starts to talk about how i need to realize shes no good that she is going to break up with me nad not give me or us a chance at this. I just want to see her to make sure everything is okay.
I have a consulation witha local surgeon who knows i am trans and even repsonded to my email using the correct name on july 27th im a little nervous because of my last encounter with a local surgeon...but this time i will come prepared with a letter from my thearpist stating i am not mentally ill and i know that this surgery is irrversable and i am old enough to understand that this is what i want and that i am gender dysphoric. I will make it so there isnt any complications this go around. Becaue to be honest with you...the binder is starting to make me feel liek crap. Not mentally...i love how i look completely flat when i put a shirt on. But the thing is having my chest out in the open digusts me and i dont want for people to see it...i dont even want to see it. So i never take my binder off unless its to shower then it goes right back on. I have dig marks on my shoulders and under my arms from the binder that are turning purple. Im getting pains in my ribs from being consrticted all the time. Its starting to give me alittle bit of back pain from keeping everything so tight all the time. Everytime i eat i feel like im going to be sick because my stomach cant expand. But i dont know what is worse...the pain i am putting myself through right now with the binder or the mental hatred id have towards myself if i didnt bind. I think the mental things is worst. i can suck up the other pain....alll i have to remember is sometime within the next few months my chest will hopefully be gone.
I can only hope i can pull all this off...i can get my girlfriend back to feeling like shes not a huge piece of shit, i can get my grandparents on board or just maybe on the shore of my transition, that my family will come around espoically my sisters. And this surgeon wont let me down. Plus i hope the puppies make it.
-caiden