(no subject)
So i guess alot of stuff has happened sinec my real last post...i say real cause sometimes at work ill write or begin to write an entry then deleted it after i had written what was on my mind because i feel like its pointless to constantly write about things when i get bored at work...which is almost 80% of the time because there is a lot of down time here. But since i dont have very much to do right now i feel like i should sort out some of my thoughts
Starting at last thursday i went to this trans meeting designed for trans indentified people...so it wasnt open to friends, family, parents or partners. I had a friend drive me there since its in albany and parking sucks in the city plus it was on a side street. So after dropping my girl back off at her house and then her friend drove me to the meeting. There was 5 of us there...we joked about how it was turning into the FTM meetings since there was 4 of us tranny boys there for about 45 minutes until this girl mackenzie showed up. My opionin it was really good to go to the meeting. We made our introductions, talked about if we are on hormones, do we want hormones, have you have surgery do you want surgery, how you found out you were trans, whats your name...pretty much the basics. For once i didnt feel like my voice wasnt being heard. For once every thing that i was saying was being validated by other people in the group. It was good to meet people in the Albany area that are trans. Plus they have meetings on some nights and then like group activities another night so we can hang out outside of just a meeting type setting. But for the trans meeting...i introduced myself as Caiden, i picked my fathers middle name as my own because i look up to my dad...plus im not picking the 2 names my folks woulda named me if i had been born a guy (brian or shane). Im pushing for top surgery more than hormones at the moment becuase my family at the moment isnt 100% behind T yet...i grew up not thinking i was born in the wrong body, i grew up the typical tomboy wishing i were a boy. I didnt know it was possible to transition. Once i stumbled upon Evin in lj before he was evin everything he was saying matched what i would think or feel. And now he's a little over 2 years transitioning and hes the happiest he's ever been. My problem is that Evin is extremly happy with his life...other than normal college kid shit hes happy with his life. Then i have another freind that was totally gung ho on taking T and transitioning then all of a sudden backed down to make his family happy. Dont get me wrong i love the kid but i started to doubt him after he talked alot of shit then backed down. So i started to think what if i wait a little bit longer my feelings might go away and i wont want this. But its been almost 3 years and those feelings havent gone away...so i now have started to push it on my family. My parents picked me up from the meeting and it lead to a huge intense convo in the car ride home about it all. But it was a good convo...my mom now realizes i wouldnt want surgery, push this whole trans thing as hard as i am if i wasnt dead ass serious about it all. My dad now calls me Caiden and son which feels great. My uncle came to visit and told me i was a smart beautiful boy and that he loves me. When my mom was telling him about the little bar set up we all bought my dad for fathers day my mom said me and the girls i mean the kids and i bought this for him. So shes trying...she even yelled at my younger sister for being an asshole to me while i was on the phone with my older sister who is aware of the trans thing and doesnt care that i call myself her brother. While i was talking to her my yougner sister who is 17 mind you is yelling she, her and your sister in the background. It pissed me off because what if i wasnt talking to my older sister and another friend of mine...it was embarassing.
I have therapy on friday and i acutally feel a little better going this week than i did last time. Mainly because my parents and i have talked about the trans thing and they are starting to slowly come around...which makes me feel a little better about this whole situation. IT will take my family longer to get used to the idea and to call me by Caiden and son and he and brother but i guess i have the time...really i have no choice and neither do they.
Stuff with my girlfreind is good i guess...i get really confused because she has her own problems and tends to shut me out of them. So pretty much it drives me nuts when she acts like she doesnt want me around or anything like that. So i asked her last night if she wanted me to stay or go and she told me she doesnt care what i do and i was like when i ask her if she wants me to stay i already know what the answer is in my head but i would love for her to tell me she wants for me to stay for awhile. So we had this huge talk and she was all sorry about puttin distance between us and i was like do yo uwant me to leave you alone cause i cant force you to want to be with me...and shes all like i dont want to not be with you shes just bugging out over sumthing that i know nothing about. But she is hanging out with her ex girl later tonight and as much as i hate that girl i have to get over it and get over my insurcity of it all...i need to just accept that this ex will be in the picture for a while as just a friend.
But in good news...im gonna be a daddy soon whenever my girls dog has the puppies...which should have been born yesterday but im thinking they will be born today at some point since they didnt have them last night...im so excited for lil freckles to come into the world hahaha
ok this was wayyy longer than i thought it would be and it took me about 3 hours to write it since im a work and kept getting distracted by the phone, or talking to my coworker tina about random ass shit
-caiden
Starting at last thursday i went to this trans meeting designed for trans indentified people...so it wasnt open to friends, family, parents or partners. I had a friend drive me there since its in albany and parking sucks in the city plus it was on a side street. So after dropping my girl back off at her house and then her friend drove me to the meeting. There was 5 of us there...we joked about how it was turning into the FTM meetings since there was 4 of us tranny boys there for about 45 minutes until this girl mackenzie showed up. My opionin it was really good to go to the meeting. We made our introductions, talked about if we are on hormones, do we want hormones, have you have surgery do you want surgery, how you found out you were trans, whats your name...pretty much the basics. For once i didnt feel like my voice wasnt being heard. For once every thing that i was saying was being validated by other people in the group. It was good to meet people in the Albany area that are trans. Plus they have meetings on some nights and then like group activities another night so we can hang out outside of just a meeting type setting. But for the trans meeting...i introduced myself as Caiden, i picked my fathers middle name as my own because i look up to my dad...plus im not picking the 2 names my folks woulda named me if i had been born a guy (brian or shane). Im pushing for top surgery more than hormones at the moment becuase my family at the moment isnt 100% behind T yet...i grew up not thinking i was born in the wrong body, i grew up the typical tomboy wishing i were a boy. I didnt know it was possible to transition. Once i stumbled upon Evin in lj before he was evin everything he was saying matched what i would think or feel. And now he's a little over 2 years transitioning and hes the happiest he's ever been. My problem is that Evin is extremly happy with his life...other than normal college kid shit hes happy with his life. Then i have another freind that was totally gung ho on taking T and transitioning then all of a sudden backed down to make his family happy. Dont get me wrong i love the kid but i started to doubt him after he talked alot of shit then backed down. So i started to think what if i wait a little bit longer my feelings might go away and i wont want this. But its been almost 3 years and those feelings havent gone away...so i now have started to push it on my family. My parents picked me up from the meeting and it lead to a huge intense convo in the car ride home about it all. But it was a good convo...my mom now realizes i wouldnt want surgery, push this whole trans thing as hard as i am if i wasnt dead ass serious about it all. My dad now calls me Caiden and son which feels great. My uncle came to visit and told me i was a smart beautiful boy and that he loves me. When my mom was telling him about the little bar set up we all bought my dad for fathers day my mom said me and the girls i mean the kids and i bought this for him. So shes trying...she even yelled at my younger sister for being an asshole to me while i was on the phone with my older sister who is aware of the trans thing and doesnt care that i call myself her brother. While i was talking to her my yougner sister who is 17 mind you is yelling she, her and your sister in the background. It pissed me off because what if i wasnt talking to my older sister and another friend of mine...it was embarassing.
I have therapy on friday and i acutally feel a little better going this week than i did last time. Mainly because my parents and i have talked about the trans thing and they are starting to slowly come around...which makes me feel a little better about this whole situation. IT will take my family longer to get used to the idea and to call me by Caiden and son and he and brother but i guess i have the time...really i have no choice and neither do they.
Stuff with my girlfreind is good i guess...i get really confused because she has her own problems and tends to shut me out of them. So pretty much it drives me nuts when she acts like she doesnt want me around or anything like that. So i asked her last night if she wanted me to stay or go and she told me she doesnt care what i do and i was like when i ask her if she wants me to stay i already know what the answer is in my head but i would love for her to tell me she wants for me to stay for awhile. So we had this huge talk and she was all sorry about puttin distance between us and i was like do yo uwant me to leave you alone cause i cant force you to want to be with me...and shes all like i dont want to not be with you shes just bugging out over sumthing that i know nothing about. But she is hanging out with her ex girl later tonight and as much as i hate that girl i have to get over it and get over my insurcity of it all...i need to just accept that this ex will be in the picture for a while as just a friend.
But in good news...im gonna be a daddy soon whenever my girls dog has the puppies...which should have been born yesterday but im thinking they will be born today at some point since they didnt have them last night...im so excited for lil freckles to come into the world hahaha
ok this was wayyy longer than i thought it would be and it took me about 3 hours to write it since im a work and kept getting distracted by the phone, or talking to my coworker tina about random ass shit
-caiden