Comments | scorched_logs: [Closed] May 6th, Night

princely_calyx in scorched_logs

[Closed] May 6th, Night

May 07, 2010 18:51

Who: Utena Tenjo princely_calyx and Riza Hawkeye firebornfidelis
When: Late night, Thursday. Aftermath of this.
Where: Pathway to the ruins from outlander apartments, ruins
Format: Paragraph, past-tense
What: Utena runs to Riza's aid after a disturbing network post. She gets more than she bargained for in the ruins.
Warnings: Possible language and violence, mist effects abound

( Beating like a hammer... )

-complete, utena tenjo, riza hawkeye

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Riza's gearing up for it firebornfidelis May 21 2010, 07:24:13 UTC

Utena's fierce outburst brought back a little of Riza's ferocity, too. The strength of her voice returned somewhat and her fingers curled into fists where they lay against the blanket. She didn't raise her voice, but her tone was bordering on dangerous.

"It's not as simple as you seem to think. You don't understand. And I can't explain. Suffice it to say that I accepted this fifteen years ago and I accept it now. Prices must be paid, and I paid mine."

Re: Riza's gearing up for it princely_calyx May 21 2010, 07:57:07 UTC

"Prices to be paid? What price did you have to pay? Why did you have to pay it?!"

She can't believe what she was hearing. Just accept it? No. Utena never lived her life that way and she wasn't starting now. How could one just sit back and accept that whatever happened they deserved.

"Don't you see what this thing is doing to you? How it's affecting you?"

She turns away angrily to walk toward the door then walk back. When she reached her spot again she stopped and looked at Riza hard. Her voice becomes quiet, with a razor's edge.

"I've seen what keeping secrets like your's leads to. And trust me, it isn't good. If you won't let me help you let someone help you! I don't want to see you end the same way."

That last bit almost put tears in her eyes. She could feel them trying to well but she refused to let them show.

firebornfidelis May 21 2010, 08:21:22 UTC

"Where I come from there is a principle called equivalent exchange. In order to gain, something of equal value must be sacrificed. I wanted something significant and I had to pay accordingly." As if things were ever really that simple. She did believe in equivalent exchange, in life as well as in alchemy, but it always seemed that the thing to be given up was a steeper price in the long run than what was gained. "Utena, I chose this. What my Father did, I agreed to. It doesn't matter how it affects me because it was my choice."

When Utena began pacing, Riza's expression softened. Clearly there was something beyond her current situation that was distressing her. She could hear a slight waver in the girl's voice and she stood and approached her. First anger and now concern staved off her exhaustion enough to keep her functioning

"I don't need help, I've already dealt with this," she said softly. She reached a hand out to touch Utena's elbow in an attempt to comfort her and watched her with concerned eyes. "This won't go the way you

Oh look, more yelling princely_calyx May 21 2010, 08:32:46 UTC

"Equivalent exchange? You wanted whatever happened to your back? That thing that causes you pain, humiliation, and alienation?! Really?"

She ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated at the woman before her.

"You clearly haven't already dealt with this! If you can't face me with it, how can you face others with it? Others who would understand the implications of ...whatever is on your back!"

When Riza reached out to touch her, she drew back quickly. She didn't want comfort. That was just a pacifier at this point.

"If it won't go the way I think, why are you doing all the same things? Withdrawl, denial, this supposed acceptance...it's all the same!"

Oh look, Riza tries to change the subject. Again. firebornfidelis May 21 2010, 16:40:12 UTC

"I wanted the good I thought could be done," she answered. "The mist has made it seem like a traumatic experience, but it wasn't. It was only physical pain which ceased to affect me many years ago."

She sighed. It was difficult to try to explain this without giving it away, especially with Utena this upset. She wanted to convince the girl that she was misinterpreting what she had seen, but her mind was still heavy and tired and she couldn't quite figure out how to enunciate the right points to reassure her.

"I have shared it. With the only person aside from my father who could understand the full meaning. It's a burden we bear together now. But I can't ever share it again. The risk is too high." She pressed a hand to her temple and closed her eyes for a moment, the spinning of her head suddenly increasing. She wanted to sit down but she remained standing to finish her point. "I wish I could show it to you, if only to reassure you, but I can't. It's too dangerous. And you don't need to bear this burden too ( ... )

Re: Pff, like Utena will fall for that princely_calyx May 21 2010, 19:25:17 UTC

"What good could possibly come from whatever you're father did to you?!" Her head spun through the words Riza said; it was far too ridiculous. "Only physical pain? I'm sure. That's why you're avoiding everything about it."

The last time she had been this angry, her whole world had collapsed on her. How, how could there be others so foolish to believe that they deserved this treatment?! Her rational mind knew that this was a typical behavior of abuse victims however she was far, far away from rational thought at this point.

"Too dangerous? What are you talking about?! Do you have a-a gun attached to your back or something?"

Utena spun around and sat down at the table, still facing Riza. She wanted space between them. She was afraid she might slap Riza or something. She put her fingers on her temples as she took in the rest of what Riza said. Her voice became a bit calmer though the anger and frustration were still quite present.

"...You've been this way for half your life? And how, exactly, hasn't this broken you ( ... )

Drat, foiled again! firebornfidelis May 21 2010, 19:45:24 UTC

"It's much more powerful than a gun," she murmured. She was getting more and more uncomfortable with Utena's questions. She didn't want to lie to her. Lying was something she almost never did because she had no use for it and because it was a violation of trust. But it was beginning to look like it might become her only recourse to calm Utena. Still, she resisted.

"Do I look broken?" she said, her anger beginning to rise a bit again, in spite of herself. "When you met me, did you see me as a person who was crushed under the weight of something she couldn't manage? Do I seem incapable or weak to you? Or is it only now that you have seen something that happened to me when I was younger than you are now that you think I have succumbed?"

She calmed herself again. Getting angry wouldn't help either of them.

"Why don't you tell me what it is you think you saw in that video."

Re: Should your plot come to fruition all this is totally coming back at you princely_calyx May 21 2010, 20:25:30 UTC

Utena just raised an eyebrow at Riza's murmur. More powerful than a gun? What exactly was on her back then?

"Frankly, yes. You can't share even basic information without making sure it doesn't reveal anything related to that thing on your back. You can't change in front of anyone, have you even had a boyfriend? All those basic things that are supposed to happen in one's life? Yeah, you can fight on the battlefield. And you can function as a person passablyShe took a deep, calming breath ( ... )

Yes, I get that sense. She is just so much more messed up that she even knows. firebornfidelis May 21 2010, 22:54:29 UTC

Passably function as a person? Just what was that supposed to mean? Riza had no idea how to be more or less a person that she already was, so the statement made no real sense to her. As to the suggestion that she had never had a boyfriend, she couldn't really defend herself on that point. The seal on her back made it too dangerous for her to bare it to anyone she wasn't absolutely certain of being worthy, and there had only ever been one man who'd met those standards. But their relationship had never been like that. Yes, she cared for Roy Mustang more than any other person in this (or any) world, but it had never been a romantic attachment. There was always too much at stake for that.

And there had never really been anyone else.

"I have faced it!" she snapped, confusion fueling the anger she couldn't quite keep down. This girl had no idea what it was like to look at the fire, at the people burning, and know that all those deaths were on her hands, and Riza could not explain that feeling to her. She lowered her voice again, but ( ... )

Re: Il ike the fact that not one of us have touched upon the point of Utena's recklessness princely_calyx May 21 2010, 23:39:29 UTC

How could she possibly get Riza to understand? She was running out of ammunition and patience. Sometimes there was just no helping someone. Oh but it did pain her to think that.

"You've faced the consequences of it. But I don't think you've faced it itself. When you've really faced it, the mist won't be able to bring you down so quickly."

She stood and stalked over to the bed, grabbing the pajamas. Heading towards the bathroom, she wanted to wash the grime off her face, Utena glanced over her shoulder at Riza.

"Then you won't have it. But don't deserve it? Do you ever listen to yourself when you speak?"

She closed the bathroom door, not waiting for a response.

yeah, I'm sure Riza will get to it eventually, when she finds her feet here firebornfidelis May 22 2010, 00:24:39 UTC

"What's the difference between the thing and the results?" she said, half defensive and half confused. "It's all one, isn't it? If you have killed, you are a killer, isn't that so? To face what it does is to face what it is."

She winced a little at Utena's harsh tone. It hurt to hear, even though Riza knew that the things she had done and the things she had helped to do precluded her from the right of anyone's sympathy. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and buried her fingers in her hair, bending her burning back to rest her elbows on her knees and fold herself into as small a space as possible.

"I know what I said," she mumbled, though she was fairly sure Utena couldn't hear her from the bathroom.

Re: She won't get her feet if Utena has anything to say about it princely_calyx May 22 2010, 01:29:13 UTC

Utena leaned against the bathroom door, exasperated and exhausted. She and Riza just kept going round for round, never getting anywhere. She couldn't keep it up. How could someone not even believe they deserve some consideration? How could someone mess up someone else like that, so very badly? And to their own daughter ( ... )

oh, but she will try firebornfidelis May 22 2010, 02:13:53 UTC

Riza used the time that Utena spent in the bathroom to try to shore herself up. She rubbed her eyes hard and raked her hair back out of her face with her fingers. Her body was begging her to lie down, to rest, to sleep, but with practiced ease she ignored it, sitting up ramrod straight and bracing her fists against her knees to hide the shaking of her hands. She was exhausted and confused and she knew this fight wasn't over yet but she didn't know what to do about it. Utena could not understand her because she could not fully explain herself, her father, the Colonel, the tattoo and the complicated web of fire that was her life ( ... )

Re:too bad Utena greased the floor - no feet for you! princely_calyx May 22 2010, 08:14:52 UTC

She gave a frustrated sigh and hauled herself up from the floor. Nothing was being accomplished in here. She grabbed her old clothes and opened the door ( ... )

that's not very nice. Also UTENA USED CONFUSION and it was super effective firebornfidelis May 22 2010, 18:18:25 UTC

Riza heard the bathroom door open and turned her head, prepared to field Utena's next question. She cared about the girl, but that was precisely the reason why she couldn't tell her about the tattoo. As it was, she knew too much for her own good already ( ... )

Re: RIZA used "EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE" - it's not very effective princely_calyx May 23 2010, 01:41:11 UTC

That answer was almost sickening. She doesn't deserve happiness? Who thinks like that?!

Utena was getting quite tired of hearing about "equivalent exchange". The more she heard the less "equivalent" it sounded. Riza used it as a catch-all. The same idea of "because I said so." It was her shield; her parrying dagger. But perhaps that was the avenue of attack to take.

"If it were really equivalent exchange, wouldn't you only be able to secure the happiness of one person, seeing as you are only one person as well?"

As she said it, she had a sudden vision of Akio. He had done the same thing to her, made her question all she believed in, all with a few words. Had he felt the same way when he did it? This feeling of betrayal, pain, and cold resolve to continue what had to be done? Something to worry about later. Can't win a duel with your mind off in the clouds.

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