18. Video
[When the video first begins, Buffy is holding a sign. It says...
LET'S SLAY!
...where she got the marker, God only knows. In any case, Buffy lowers the sign, and when she sets it down, the camera pans over, revealing one Turok-Han. Isn't he loffly? ...well, not really. In any case, he's currently chained to a rather impressive tree with some rather impressive chains. A lot of them. Even so, you can see they won't hold him forever.]
Welcome, class! Bet you didn't know you were a class until just this minute. It's kind of a rough scene, being drafted into education, I know, but this one's worth it.
[The camera pans again, back to Buffy. Closer examination reveals bruises, scratches - nothing serious but she definitely took a roughing up.]
In our dangerous world full of... mistiness and... danger, it behooves us all to know how to deal with the... mist. And the danger. Mist I can't help with, but when it comes to danger, I'm Danger Girl, so here we go. Lesson Number One in a Series of Who Knows... [She stares at the screen and blinks. And then...] Oh! Uh, just a... [...reaches offscreen and down, and pulls up another sign. It says.... How to Kill a Turok-Han]
[She tosses the sign aside.]
If you want to help educate the masses on the ins-and-outs of monster killage, let me know. Archives are fun!
...anyway. Ahem.
A Turok-Han is a vampire... but not your garden variety, poetry-reading, black coat wearing romantivamp. [A man, offscreen, says "hey!" He may be recognizable as Angel.]
So, for this demonstration, your tools are... one: A small tree. [She counts the points off as she goes.] two: Some kind of superpowerful enchanted blade and three: Superhuman strength. Now, you may be saying, "Buffy, I have none of these things, or maybe I have the tree, but I can't like, pick it up without the other two. What do I do when I encounter a Turok-Han?"
[And now all the glee drains from her face, and she looks very intense. Very serious.]
You run.
[Buffy looks over at the monster, currently snarling, straining against its chains. There are deep grooves forming in the tree from the press of the chains.]
[As for Buffy, she hoists a small ax-like weapon.... and slices it straight through the chains, leaving the sparks of metal-on-metal, and one free-and-angry ubervamp. The camera backs up, and offscreen, a man says, "Buffy..."]
I can handle it. And if I can't... that's a lesson, too.
[The monster lurches forward, and Buffy kicks it in the center of the chest, sending it hurdling backwards several meters, into a farther tree. Buffy takes that time to slice through he trunk of a nearby, smaller tree, only a foot or so around. It tumbles - she catches it, and slices the cut end quickly to form a sharp wedge.]
Not exactly easy-to-wield. But the problem is, a normal stake? Not gonna cut it with these guys. It'll bounce right off their skin which, by the way, is tougher than armor. This is why we say... superhuman strength.
[The vampire is back now, closing in on her. She uses the tree to keep it back long enough to say...]
Still, get them with wood through the heart and they get all dusty just like any vamp.
[The stalling technique worked... but not for long. The turok-han vaults over the tree, and lands between her and her cameraman. Buffy starts to spin, nearly forgetting to drop the tree, oops, and lops its arm off with that ax. It roars, and turns on her. Distraction successful... though it costs her, as the creature rakes its claws across her upper chest, leaving ribbons of blood and torn cloth.] Don't let the fear in. Don't let it break you. Cut off an arm, and it's got one less arm - it's that much less effective. [It swipes at her again, snarling like a wild animal... and she takes off its other arm. The camera is momentarily filled with the dust of of its disintegrating arms.] Not looking too good there, Nosferatu. [She reaches down and grabs the tree; uses it to swat the vampire away from the cameraman.]
The thing about slaying is... it's not safe. It's never safe. But you're there to take out the monster so the monster doesn't take out the... innocent bystanders. Represented here by Guy-With-Camera. So, if you need to improvise, that's good. Learn to think outside the box...
[She tosses the ax, lodging it in a nearby tree trunk, and grabs the smaller tree with both hands. Quickly, she runs forward, driving it... through the gut of the vampire. Pinning it against a half-broken wall. It screams. It snarls.]
...never know when you'll need to reuse a few tricks.
[Buffy releases the small tree, and grabs the ax again. Her chest heaves as she moves forward.]
I didn't miss. I wanted to stop its movements. But for the record, through the heart. And then, if you miss? [She steps up, beside the armless vampire, still snapping at her with its monstrous teeth.] Straight through the neck. [One cut. One strike. The ax severs the creature's head, and it crumbles to dust.] ...not many things can survive a good old fashioned decapitation.
[Buffy stands there, staring at the dust, and the tree, for a long moment. Then she wipes dirt and sweat from her brow.]
And that's how you get rid of one of these guys. Which, by the way, are dangerous. They're not sentient. They have no heart. No compassion. They're not even animals.
They're monsters.
And in this dimension? They can walk in the sun.
So, again.... wood through the heart. Decapitation. And if you don't have superstrength? Make with the running.
Fortunately, they're not as fast as their prettier, broodier, more intelligent cousins.
So endeth the lesson.
At least for today.
[Video switches off, but for a moment, audio remains. And what do you hear....?]
We need a themesong. And hey! Did you hear that? I used "behooves"!
[ooc: Buffy's starting a collection of How To videos on killing monstahs. Consider it a video manual. If anyone wants to contribute by writing up one of these things, my god please do, it'll be beautiful. Otherwise, I'll just keep the torch going, myself. XD]
LET'S SLAY!
...where she got the marker, God only knows. In any case, Buffy lowers the sign, and when she sets it down, the camera pans over, revealing one Turok-Han. Isn't he loffly? ...well, not really. In any case, he's currently chained to a rather impressive tree with some rather impressive chains. A lot of them. Even so, you can see they won't hold him forever.]
Welcome, class! Bet you didn't know you were a class until just this minute. It's kind of a rough scene, being drafted into education, I know, but this one's worth it.
[The camera pans again, back to Buffy. Closer examination reveals bruises, scratches - nothing serious but she definitely took a roughing up.]
In our dangerous world full of... mistiness and... danger, it behooves us all to know how to deal with the... mist. And the danger. Mist I can't help with, but when it comes to danger, I'm Danger Girl, so here we go. Lesson Number One in a Series of Who Knows... [She stares at the screen and blinks. And then...] Oh! Uh, just a... [...reaches offscreen and down, and pulls up another sign. It says.... How to Kill a Turok-Han]
[She tosses the sign aside.]
If you want to help educate the masses on the ins-and-outs of monster killage, let me know. Archives are fun!
...anyway. Ahem.
A Turok-Han is a vampire... but not your garden variety, poetry-reading, black coat wearing romantivamp. [A man, offscreen, says "hey!" He may be recognizable as Angel.]
So, for this demonstration, your tools are... one: A small tree. [She counts the points off as she goes.] two: Some kind of superpowerful enchanted blade and three: Superhuman strength. Now, you may be saying, "Buffy, I have none of these things, or maybe I have the tree, but I can't like, pick it up without the other two. What do I do when I encounter a Turok-Han?"
[And now all the glee drains from her face, and she looks very intense. Very serious.]
You run.
[Buffy looks over at the monster, currently snarling, straining against its chains. There are deep grooves forming in the tree from the press of the chains.]
[As for Buffy, she hoists a small ax-like weapon.... and slices it straight through the chains, leaving the sparks of metal-on-metal, and one free-and-angry ubervamp. The camera backs up, and offscreen, a man says, "Buffy..."]
I can handle it. And if I can't... that's a lesson, too.
[The monster lurches forward, and Buffy kicks it in the center of the chest, sending it hurdling backwards several meters, into a farther tree. Buffy takes that time to slice through he trunk of a nearby, smaller tree, only a foot or so around. It tumbles - she catches it, and slices the cut end quickly to form a sharp wedge.]
Not exactly easy-to-wield. But the problem is, a normal stake? Not gonna cut it with these guys. It'll bounce right off their skin which, by the way, is tougher than armor. This is why we say... superhuman strength.
[The vampire is back now, closing in on her. She uses the tree to keep it back long enough to say...]
Still, get them with wood through the heart and they get all dusty just like any vamp.
[The stalling technique worked... but not for long. The turok-han vaults over the tree, and lands between her and her cameraman. Buffy starts to spin, nearly forgetting to drop the tree, oops, and lops its arm off with that ax. It roars, and turns on her. Distraction successful... though it costs her, as the creature rakes its claws across her upper chest, leaving ribbons of blood and torn cloth.] Don't let the fear in. Don't let it break you. Cut off an arm, and it's got one less arm - it's that much less effective. [It swipes at her again, snarling like a wild animal... and she takes off its other arm. The camera is momentarily filled with the dust of of its disintegrating arms.] Not looking too good there, Nosferatu. [She reaches down and grabs the tree; uses it to swat the vampire away from the cameraman.]
The thing about slaying is... it's not safe. It's never safe. But you're there to take out the monster so the monster doesn't take out the... innocent bystanders. Represented here by Guy-With-Camera. So, if you need to improvise, that's good. Learn to think outside the box...
[She tosses the ax, lodging it in a nearby tree trunk, and grabs the smaller tree with both hands. Quickly, she runs forward, driving it... through the gut of the vampire. Pinning it against a half-broken wall. It screams. It snarls.]
...never know when you'll need to reuse a few tricks.
[Buffy releases the small tree, and grabs the ax again. Her chest heaves as she moves forward.]
I didn't miss. I wanted to stop its movements. But for the record, through the heart. And then, if you miss? [She steps up, beside the armless vampire, still snapping at her with its monstrous teeth.] Straight through the neck. [One cut. One strike. The ax severs the creature's head, and it crumbles to dust.] ...not many things can survive a good old fashioned decapitation.
[Buffy stands there, staring at the dust, and the tree, for a long moment. Then she wipes dirt and sweat from her brow.]
And that's how you get rid of one of these guys. Which, by the way, are dangerous. They're not sentient. They have no heart. No compassion. They're not even animals.
They're monsters.
And in this dimension? They can walk in the sun.
So, again.... wood through the heart. Decapitation. And if you don't have superstrength? Make with the running.
Fortunately, they're not as fast as their prettier, broodier, more intelligent cousins.
So endeth the lesson.
At least for today.
[Video switches off, but for a moment, audio remains. And what do you hear....?]
We need a themesong. And hey! Did you hear that? I used "behooves"!
[ooc: Buffy's starting a collection of How To videos on killing monstahs. Consider it a video manual. If anyone wants to contribute by writing up one of these things, my god please do, it'll be beautiful. Otherwise, I'll just keep the torch going, myself. XD]