stubbornly video; also Kaien talks a lot orzheartbetweenOctober 8 2011, 08:33:51 UTC
[He doesn't even flinch at the tone or the words, because this conversation is already comforting in its familiarity. He's had it a number of times in the past two years, and he's come to anticipate many of the arguments and counterarguments. Kaien doesn't even see this conversation resolving in the way he'd hope, either. Another thing about these people is their stubbornness, their tendency to cling harder to their beliefs in the face of someone implanting doubt.]
Mm, that's what this place does, sorry.
You're wrong, though. I didn't respond because I thought it'd be 'valuable.' I did because you're hurting.
[And Kaien can never ignore someone who is suffering--whether they'd admit they are or not.]
And I'm guessing all that's a polite way of telling me I don't understand, right? Well, in some sense, that's true--I don't understand anyone can live like that. It's just about as foreign to me as the sky being green, to be honest.
But I've met people like you, and I know. I've heard it all before. There's no emotion in your job? That's ridiculous. The very nature of your job entails emotion. You can't be a protector if you don't feel--what reason do you have to endanger yourself to protect others, then?
And if you're going to say duty, then think for a moment about what that actually means. "Duty" isn't absolute or coercive--there's no one putting a blade at your throat and making you do your job. Even if there were, you'd be doing it out of fear, then, wouldn't you? That's an emotion. But no one is, so why do you do it? You do it because you believe in it, or that it's worth doing, or that it needs to be done. All those are emotions too.
And beyond doing your job, why would you bother to do it well? Why cover for the mistakes of those around you? Responsibility. Pride. Honor. You do it for a reason, even if it's as little as someone having to do it. That implies caring for the good of the collective whole, doesn't it? For the balance, as you said. The needs of the balance before your own, that's another value right there.
Anything that you can be involved in, your heart is as well. You can't just separate it out into neat, distinct categories.
[There's a bit of a pause, after that, both to let what he's said sink in, and to think about what to say next. There's some features of what William has said that he hasn't addressed, and they make him wonder a bit. What is it like on this shinigami's world that so much responsibility is on one man's shoulders? Why is it that a single death, in his estimation, should be catastrophic?]
Remember, you're just one shinigami. Trying to take on everything on your own...it's not sustainable. What will you do when the pressure finally becomes too much? What about the people that depend on you and your will and strength? You cannot be expected to carry everything on your own shoulders--everyone needs someone to help lighten the load, if just one piece at a time; you owe it to those people that depend on you.
it's fiiiiinenot_of_avonOctober 9 2011, 01:58:07 UTC
[Even though it's face down, he can't help but glare at the device.]
I am quite capable of knowing when I am in pain, and I can assure you, I am not.
[He has to pause and take a breath. He feels his control slipping, the anger rising, everything threatening to run forth. This stranger does not know him, doesn't know what he's saying.
William doesn't do it out of duty. He does it because there is simply no other place for him in the world. There is nothing beyond being a reaper for him.]
You're wrong. I told you, I don't have a heart. It can't be the source of anything if it doesn't exist.
[Another pause, another moment when he has to smooth down everything and ignore the possible truths, only address the untruths.]
I will take everything I need to take and keep it for as long as I have to. It wouldn't be given to me if I was not capable of bearing it. Everything that must be carried shall be carried, without fail.
[Even if he feels like he'll break, every step forward is progress. It's proof that he's right about being able to bear it. Evidence that people like this man are wrong.]
You realize it's obvious you're lying, right? It was right there in your broadcast. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. [He kind of knows from experience that he has to be blunt about these sorts of things, because if he isn't, he'll leave holes with which to deflect the conversation. You see, William, he's had this argument many times before, with another shinigami of his own world. He probably knows where you're going with it even before you do.
Then there's a sigh, and Kaien--briefly--chooses to skip over William's adamant denial of having a heart for the latter comment.]
Even the strongest man isn't invulnerable, nor invincible. There's a saying I heard in the human world, about a straw that breaks a camel's back, because of the tremendously heavy weight it was already carrying.
[There aren't actually camels in Soul Society, but he can understand the concept of the analogy.]
That's what I mean. No one's doubting your capacity to bear your burdens. It's just...how much is too much? It's not sustainable to keep adding to it without letting some go first. It's not healthy.
I used to think I could protect everyone in this city, once. Back when I was one of only two shinigami here. But the fact is, I can't. I can't control if the Door sends someone back. I can't control who it brings here.
Once I realized that...it was much easier, to do my best to protect everyone that I could.
[There's a pause, then, and when he speaks again, he switches the topic, slightly.]
Tell me something. Who would you say you are? Not as a shinigami, as an individual. What defines you who you are, apart from everyone else?
It also said I was a liar. How do you know I didn't lie throughout the entire broadcast?
[A pithy defence, but it's the best he can muster throughout this assault of truths that can't be truths, ones he is so practised at denying himself the reality of. His health doesn't enter into this.]
It doesn't matter anymore. I've been forced to let some go already by the sole fact that I am here-there's no call for a reaper in Anatole.
[Who is he? That takes some thought. Who is he, without being a reaper? If he had been asked this question back home he wouldn't have been able to answer. But here, perhaps there are some small pieces of a life that may serve as an answer while he looks for the real one. He sighs, and speaks again.]
...I'm going to say something and you're probably going to tell me that's not what you meant. But it's what I can say.
My name is William T. Spears. I work in the library, have two birds that live in my room, and the last year I can remember living is 1888. I read in most of my free time and am beginning to take interest into devices and suchlike. I prefer tea over coffee, am constantly confused by things others say before I realise they are from years in the future, and it is extremely awkward to be having this conversation.
Mm, that's what this place does, sorry.
You're wrong, though. I didn't respond because I thought it'd be 'valuable.' I did because you're hurting.
[And Kaien can never ignore someone who is suffering--whether they'd admit they are or not.]
And I'm guessing all that's a polite way of telling me I don't understand, right? Well, in some sense, that's true--I don't understand anyone can live like that. It's just about as foreign to me as the sky being green, to be honest.
But I've met people like you, and I know. I've heard it all before. There's no emotion in your job? That's ridiculous. The very nature of your job entails emotion. You can't be a protector if you don't feel--what reason do you have to endanger yourself to protect others, then?
And if you're going to say duty, then think for a moment about what that actually means. "Duty" isn't absolute or coercive--there's no one putting a blade at your throat and making you do your job. Even if there were, you'd be doing it out of fear, then, wouldn't you? That's an emotion. But no one is, so why do you do it? You do it because you believe in it, or that it's worth doing, or that it needs to be done. All those are emotions too.
And beyond doing your job, why would you bother to do it well? Why cover for the mistakes of those around you? Responsibility. Pride. Honor. You do it for a reason, even if it's as little as someone having to do it. That implies caring for the good of the collective whole, doesn't it? For the balance, as you said. The needs of the balance before your own, that's another value right there.
Anything that you can be involved in, your heart is as well. You can't just separate it out into neat, distinct categories.
[There's a bit of a pause, after that, both to let what he's said sink in, and to think about what to say next. There's some features of what William has said that he hasn't addressed, and they make him wonder a bit. What is it like on this shinigami's world that so much responsibility is on one man's shoulders? Why is it that a single death, in his estimation, should be catastrophic?]
Remember, you're just one shinigami. Trying to take on everything on your own...it's not sustainable. What will you do when the pressure finally becomes too much? What about the people that depend on you and your will and strength? You cannot be expected to carry everything on your own shoulders--everyone needs someone to help lighten the load, if just one piece at a time; you owe it to those people that depend on you.
Reply
I am quite capable of knowing when I am in pain, and I can assure you, I am not.
[He has to pause and take a breath. He feels his control slipping, the anger rising, everything threatening to run forth. This stranger does not know him, doesn't know what he's saying.
William doesn't do it out of duty. He does it because there is simply no other place for him in the world. There is nothing beyond being a reaper for him.]
You're wrong. I told you, I don't have a heart. It can't be the source of anything if it doesn't exist.
[Another pause, another moment when he has to smooth down everything and ignore the possible truths, only address the untruths.]
I will take everything I need to take and keep it for as long as I have to. It wouldn't be given to me if I was not capable of bearing it. Everything that must be carried shall be carried, without fail.
[Even if he feels like he'll break, every step forward is progress. It's proof that he's right about being able to bear it. Evidence that people like this man are wrong.]
Reply
You realize it's obvious you're lying, right? It was right there in your broadcast. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. [He kind of knows from experience that he has to be blunt about these sorts of things, because if he isn't, he'll leave holes with which to deflect the conversation. You see, William, he's had this argument many times before, with another shinigami of his own world. He probably knows where you're going with it even before you do.
Then there's a sigh, and Kaien--briefly--chooses to skip over William's adamant denial of having a heart for the latter comment.]
Even the strongest man isn't invulnerable, nor invincible. There's a saying I heard in the human world, about a straw that breaks a camel's back, because of the tremendously heavy weight it was already carrying.
[There aren't actually camels in Soul Society, but he can understand the concept of the analogy.]
That's what I mean. No one's doubting your capacity to bear your burdens. It's just...how much is too much? It's not sustainable to keep adding to it without letting some go first. It's not healthy.
I used to think I could protect everyone in this city, once. Back when I was one of only two shinigami here. But the fact is, I can't. I can't control if the Door sends someone back. I can't control who it brings here.
Once I realized that...it was much easier, to do my best to protect everyone that I could.
[There's a pause, then, and when he speaks again, he switches the topic, slightly.]
Tell me something. Who would you say you are? Not as a shinigami, as an individual. What defines you who you are, apart from everyone else?
Reply
[A pithy defence, but it's the best he can muster throughout this assault of truths that can't be truths, ones he is so practised at denying himself the reality of. His health doesn't enter into this.]
It doesn't matter anymore. I've been forced to let some go already by the sole fact that I am here-there's no call for a reaper in Anatole.
[Who is he? That takes some thought. Who is he, without being a reaper? If he had been asked this question back home he wouldn't have been able to answer. But here, perhaps there are some small pieces of a life that may serve as an answer while he looks for the real one. He sighs, and speaks again.]
...I'm going to say something and you're probably going to tell me that's not what you meant. But it's what I can say.
My name is William T. Spears. I work in the library, have two birds that live in my room, and the last year I can remember living is 1888. I read in most of my free time and am beginning to take interest into devices and suchlike. I prefer tea over coffee, am constantly confused by things others say before I realise they are from years in the future, and it is extremely awkward to be having this conversation.
Reply
Leave a comment