It's been Monday all week.
This is great. I'm sick as a dog and I can't go to sleep because there are so many damn things running through my mind right now. Not only that, but no matter how much I cry I don't feel like I've cried enough to feel any kind of relief. What the hell is all this? Have I been bottling up my emotions for so long? I'm so confused right now. So many thoughts I thought were lost forever are rushing back to me as if they've been standing in a queue waiting for the right moment to hit me one right after the other. Almost as if driven by a "You're going down and fast." mantra.
Right now I feel mistrusted so bad. I feel like I just won't make it past this semester. I feel like I'm losing everything I've fought for so far. Friendship doesn't seem to be the same thing I once thought it was. "Friend" has become a word I run a cross so rarely lately that I feel as if almost nobody deserves to be called such a thing by me. Phrases such as "I love you.", "I missed you.", "I trust you.", "I support you." have lost so much meaning to me I feel as if I'm turning into a cynical, bitter person and that's just not me! I'm the one who has always had faith in people no matter how many times they've screwed up. The one who would go out of his way to make someone's day a little bit brighter. The one who would actually believe everyone was worthy of trust and care. That's the me I know, but not the me I feel I am.
People who would tell me they loved me have turned out to be backstabbers. Others have completely forgotten about keeping in contact by pulling off almost perfectly an "Out of sight, out of mind." People who have shamelessly pulled a "Hoes before bros." time and time again. What ever happened to real friendship? Is it just an illusion we like to believe in so we can feel we have someone by our side who will cherish us just as much as we cherish them? In a world with so much deceiving and empty words, is being cynical the key to survival?
I'm so scared of putting my feelings out there. I feel like the person who I have trusted my absolute all no longer trusts me. Not nearly as much as I thought. Not even close. Am I overreacting? Since when is keeping secrets between "best friends" okay? Am I putting too much into the label?
I'm so sick of lies as well. I'm sick of people talking shit behind my back without me deserving the smallest bit of it. People who are determined to see me bite the dust and swallow it. What have I done to them? I guess it serves me well for always putting others' needs before mine. Will I have to build walls around me so I can determine who cares enough knock them down or at least climb them up? Perhaps a nice armor will work...seems like that is the way to go.
Right now I feel mistrusted so bad. I feel like I just won't make it past this semester. I feel like I'm losing everything I've fought for so far. Friendship doesn't seem to be the same thing I once thought it was. "Friend" has become a word I run a cross so rarely lately that I feel as if almost nobody deserves to be called such a thing by me. Phrases such as "I love you.", "I missed you.", "I trust you.", "I support you." have lost so much meaning to me I feel as if I'm turning into a cynical, bitter person and that's just not me! I'm the one who has always had faith in people no matter how many times they've screwed up. The one who would go out of his way to make someone's day a little bit brighter. The one who would actually believe everyone was worthy of trust and care. That's the me I know, but not the me I feel I am.
People who would tell me they loved me have turned out to be backstabbers. Others have completely forgotten about keeping in contact by pulling off almost perfectly an "Out of sight, out of mind." People who have shamelessly pulled a "Hoes before bros." time and time again. What ever happened to real friendship? Is it just an illusion we like to believe in so we can feel we have someone by our side who will cherish us just as much as we cherish them? In a world with so much deceiving and empty words, is being cynical the key to survival?
I'm so scared of putting my feelings out there. I feel like the person who I have trusted my absolute all no longer trusts me. Not nearly as much as I thought. Not even close. Am I overreacting? Since when is keeping secrets between "best friends" okay? Am I putting too much into the label?
I'm so sick of lies as well. I'm sick of people talking shit behind my back without me deserving the smallest bit of it. People who are determined to see me bite the dust and swallow it. What have I done to them? I guess it serves me well for always putting others' needs before mine. Will I have to build walls around me so I can determine who cares enough knock them down or at least climb them up? Perhaps a nice armor will work...seems like that is the way to go.