(no subject)
I really want to update, and to write, but when I think about the huge amount of things I could write about... I pause; And in that moment of hesitation, I decide that maybe it wouldn't be so good to update livejournal. Actually, I need to go through my past entries and edit my spelling mistakes: "todat" is not a word, Chase, and if you're going to spell "weird" wierdly, at least be consistent. ((FYI: the proper spelling is w-e-i-r-d. I never learned that part of the "i before e, except after c" song.))
"A Difficult Transition"
So I'm going through a lot of different transitory stages: 1.) Divorce of parentals, 2.) Moving into a new house (not yet, but soon enough), 3.) Adjusting to a more responsible role while my parents run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
My dad told me tonight that I made my mom cry this morning. How, you ask? Well, evidently when I cleaned up the house in preparation for my party-that-never-happened on Thursday night(/Friday morning), that was some kind of testament to my still being alive; because God knows I never see my parents anymore. And both of my parents thought the other had cleaned up, and the realization that there was a third person still living in the house that actually gives a damn just shocked them both.
As it is, I wake up, get a shower, and leave the house. I return home in the early hours of the next morning, absolutely worn out but thankful for the time I've gotten to spend with people I barely know. I saw my mom tonight and actually got to talk to her. It wasn't one of those "Hi, honey." "See you later, Mom!" kind of things.
We watched "Larry the [Fucking] Cable Guy" tonight. I decided to humor them, my poor parents. That's an hour of my life wasted on Republican bullshit. Now... some of what he said was pretty funny, I'll have to admit, but the humor is so base and, more often than not, gross, I can't see how anyone could actually appreciate the words that come out of that guy's mouth. Anyway, he can say what he wants.
But yes, they are getting a divorce. "Oh, Chase, I'm sorry." No. Don't give me your bullshit pity. When they told me I was like "About fucking time. Jesus H. Christ on pita bread." And now it's all I can do to keep my mom from falling into the deep end. I remember having a conversation with her in Jim & Nick's after she told me the divorce situation. I was like "Well, first of all, I'm absolutely fine with everything. It really isn't any of my business-- you two do what you need to do to be happy, and I'll be happy. But it can't get nasty. If it goes to court or something, I'm going to be mad at both of you. It really doesn't need to go that far. And I assume this means we're selling the house, right?" Yes. Discussion about where my mom will live ensues. "Okay, so neither of you is selling the house until both of you have a place to live, right." It wasn't a question. And my mom seemed to agree. It's the most logical thing to do.
Then my dad tells me my mom was trying to get him to pay her off for the house. Honestly, when we sell the house we're probably going to get about $10,000 total after we make the final payments and do what we need to do to actually get it sellable. So I don't know what kind of money she's asking for, but it's not going to come. My mom has evidently been talking with a bunch of her divorced bus driving friends and listening to their advice.
Since when do you get marriage advice from divorced people? I mean, I might ask a divorcee what not to do.
Oh, and my mom said "Your dad said some things to me that I just don't think I can forgive him for. It's not important what was said-- I'm just really unhappy right now." So I respected that and I didn't ask her what he said.
But I asked him. I asked my dad what he said to her and he said "I asked her if she was seeing someone else. And she just exploded."
Okay, okay. Reasonable. I can see how she would consider that a violation of every bond of trust they've ever had with one another. And it's a pretty relationship-shattering kind of question, when you can't even trust your partner not to cheat on you. But my mom had reached a point in her unhappiness where she was never at home. She would go out until three in the morning and then come home and go to bed. My parents had already stopped sleeping in the same room by that time-- what was he supposed to think? I guess he just got to the point where he couldn't take it anymore, wondering what she was doing or where she was going or what was going on, and she just needed a reason to release all of her unhappiness and ask for a divorce. And he gave it to her.
My dad is finally letting out his own anger in slow bursts of "I remember when she..." whenever I'm home to listen. He has a whole filing cabinet in his mind of times where she has violated him, just as I'm sure he has done to her-- but then again, I hear about my mom's no matter where I am. It's habitual for her to complain.
And now we're moving. I tried to get my dad to look at lofts, and he was actually excited about looking at them himself, but now he won't do that and has already picked out a copy of the floor plan for some cookie-cutter townhouses near Bessemer (near where Tara Paradiso's mom lives, I think, if that's any kind of indication) for us. I went over those with him and we decided which one was our favorite. I think I'm going to look at lofts on my own and see if I can't contact a realtor or get some floor plans for some stuff around Morris for him to look at. It's prices that he's concerned about, not really distance to or from work (though he mentioned that.) Either he gets to be close to work and I'm far away from school, or he's far away from work and I'm close to school. But I'm only going to be there for one more year, and then it's sayonara, so I'm trying to make it seem like he's making the decision on his own and I'm just helping him and talking about it with him. I want him to be happy where he's living. Downtown can get a little rowdy sometimes. And he's getting to the age where he doesn't need to be climbing stares to a loft. So maybe the townhouse is a good alternative for him.
I, on the other hand, will have a bad-ass loft or apartment if I go to UAB. You bet your ass I will.
And it's looking more and more like that might be the case.
Okay, drastic subject change (I know I've been meandering through different things for a while, but this is a completely new topic): where in the hell should I go to college? My dream college is USC, I think. I think I'm going to apply/audition for USC, Cincinatti Conservatory of Music, Carnegie Mellon, UAB (as back-up), and I've left my sixth slot open for a surprise college that I really like. I really want to do musical theatre, too, but I feel like I'm trying to shove a square block through a circular hole every time I try to find out information about how I should go about auditioning or gaining experience. "CATS" is definitely something good to have on a resume or in a college application essay, but other than that and little middle school plays, I haven't really been focusing or had much experience in the latter half of what I want to be my future profession. Is that bad? Is that what college is for, and if I just show that I'm willing to learn and be molded will they accept me?
And I have so much going for me here. It would be easy to get a bunch of scholarships from UAB and just go there, and do some musical theatre stuff locally and live where the cost of living is bearable for my parents and let things just go smoothly. I have lots of job opportunities here, I know people and people know me, I'm making more friends in the local business... would a trip to New York or California really be necessary? Should I shoot for the stars, or stay closer to a dream that I know I can achieve right here? I can't decide what I want to do, and I'm not the kind of person that's content to just let life throw them wherever the wind blows.
I mean, yes, that's what I'll wind up doing, but I don't like that feeling. I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing. And I'm not sure how to make up my mind.
I smell like the Virigina-Samford Theatre. That's okay, though, because it reminds me of that cutie Mister Mistoffelees. Haha, he's such an awesome guy. I asked Amanda (stage manager) today if they're going to cut a CD of the show, and she said they probably are. Then I asked her if I could have a copy and she said that they usually take videos of the entire show and sell them to the cast and crew with CDs and stuff. So I'm excited about hearing the music I was making. I hope it's as professional-quality as it needs to be. And I can't wait to actually be able to SEE the show I've been playing for the past two weeks.
What else, what else, what else... Harry Potter on July 16th! Excitement.
Yeah, whatever. My day of rest is tomorrow. I need to call le pastor and see what time I need to meet him either tomorrow or Tuesday. I really just want to sleep all day tomorrow.
Yeah. Whatever. Over and out.
"A Difficult Transition"
So I'm going through a lot of different transitory stages: 1.) Divorce of parentals, 2.) Moving into a new house (not yet, but soon enough), 3.) Adjusting to a more responsible role while my parents run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
My dad told me tonight that I made my mom cry this morning. How, you ask? Well, evidently when I cleaned up the house in preparation for my party-that-never-happened on Thursday night(/Friday morning), that was some kind of testament to my still being alive; because God knows I never see my parents anymore. And both of my parents thought the other had cleaned up, and the realization that there was a third person still living in the house that actually gives a damn just shocked them both.
As it is, I wake up, get a shower, and leave the house. I return home in the early hours of the next morning, absolutely worn out but thankful for the time I've gotten to spend with people I barely know. I saw my mom tonight and actually got to talk to her. It wasn't one of those "Hi, honey." "See you later, Mom!" kind of things.
We watched "Larry the [Fucking] Cable Guy" tonight. I decided to humor them, my poor parents. That's an hour of my life wasted on Republican bullshit. Now... some of what he said was pretty funny, I'll have to admit, but the humor is so base and, more often than not, gross, I can't see how anyone could actually appreciate the words that come out of that guy's mouth. Anyway, he can say what he wants.
But yes, they are getting a divorce. "Oh, Chase, I'm sorry." No. Don't give me your bullshit pity. When they told me I was like "About fucking time. Jesus H. Christ on pita bread." And now it's all I can do to keep my mom from falling into the deep end. I remember having a conversation with her in Jim & Nick's after she told me the divorce situation. I was like "Well, first of all, I'm absolutely fine with everything. It really isn't any of my business-- you two do what you need to do to be happy, and I'll be happy. But it can't get nasty. If it goes to court or something, I'm going to be mad at both of you. It really doesn't need to go that far. And I assume this means we're selling the house, right?" Yes. Discussion about where my mom will live ensues. "Okay, so neither of you is selling the house until both of you have a place to live, right." It wasn't a question. And my mom seemed to agree. It's the most logical thing to do.
Then my dad tells me my mom was trying to get him to pay her off for the house. Honestly, when we sell the house we're probably going to get about $10,000 total after we make the final payments and do what we need to do to actually get it sellable. So I don't know what kind of money she's asking for, but it's not going to come. My mom has evidently been talking with a bunch of her divorced bus driving friends and listening to their advice.
Since when do you get marriage advice from divorced people? I mean, I might ask a divorcee what not to do.
Oh, and my mom said "Your dad said some things to me that I just don't think I can forgive him for. It's not important what was said-- I'm just really unhappy right now." So I respected that and I didn't ask her what he said.
But I asked him. I asked my dad what he said to her and he said "I asked her if she was seeing someone else. And she just exploded."
Okay, okay. Reasonable. I can see how she would consider that a violation of every bond of trust they've ever had with one another. And it's a pretty relationship-shattering kind of question, when you can't even trust your partner not to cheat on you. But my mom had reached a point in her unhappiness where she was never at home. She would go out until three in the morning and then come home and go to bed. My parents had already stopped sleeping in the same room by that time-- what was he supposed to think? I guess he just got to the point where he couldn't take it anymore, wondering what she was doing or where she was going or what was going on, and she just needed a reason to release all of her unhappiness and ask for a divorce. And he gave it to her.
My dad is finally letting out his own anger in slow bursts of "I remember when she..." whenever I'm home to listen. He has a whole filing cabinet in his mind of times where she has violated him, just as I'm sure he has done to her-- but then again, I hear about my mom's no matter where I am. It's habitual for her to complain.
And now we're moving. I tried to get my dad to look at lofts, and he was actually excited about looking at them himself, but now he won't do that and has already picked out a copy of the floor plan for some cookie-cutter townhouses near Bessemer (near where Tara Paradiso's mom lives, I think, if that's any kind of indication) for us. I went over those with him and we decided which one was our favorite. I think I'm going to look at lofts on my own and see if I can't contact a realtor or get some floor plans for some stuff around Morris for him to look at. It's prices that he's concerned about, not really distance to or from work (though he mentioned that.) Either he gets to be close to work and I'm far away from school, or he's far away from work and I'm close to school. But I'm only going to be there for one more year, and then it's sayonara, so I'm trying to make it seem like he's making the decision on his own and I'm just helping him and talking about it with him. I want him to be happy where he's living. Downtown can get a little rowdy sometimes. And he's getting to the age where he doesn't need to be climbing stares to a loft. So maybe the townhouse is a good alternative for him.
I, on the other hand, will have a bad-ass loft or apartment if I go to UAB. You bet your ass I will.
And it's looking more and more like that might be the case.
Okay, drastic subject change (I know I've been meandering through different things for a while, but this is a completely new topic): where in the hell should I go to college? My dream college is USC, I think. I think I'm going to apply/audition for USC, Cincinatti Conservatory of Music, Carnegie Mellon, UAB (as back-up), and I've left my sixth slot open for a surprise college that I really like. I really want to do musical theatre, too, but I feel like I'm trying to shove a square block through a circular hole every time I try to find out information about how I should go about auditioning or gaining experience. "CATS" is definitely something good to have on a resume or in a college application essay, but other than that and little middle school plays, I haven't really been focusing or had much experience in the latter half of what I want to be my future profession. Is that bad? Is that what college is for, and if I just show that I'm willing to learn and be molded will they accept me?
And I have so much going for me here. It would be easy to get a bunch of scholarships from UAB and just go there, and do some musical theatre stuff locally and live where the cost of living is bearable for my parents and let things just go smoothly. I have lots of job opportunities here, I know people and people know me, I'm making more friends in the local business... would a trip to New York or California really be necessary? Should I shoot for the stars, or stay closer to a dream that I know I can achieve right here? I can't decide what I want to do, and I'm not the kind of person that's content to just let life throw them wherever the wind blows.
I mean, yes, that's what I'll wind up doing, but I don't like that feeling. I don't like waiting. I don't like not knowing. And I'm not sure how to make up my mind.
I smell like the Virigina-Samford Theatre. That's okay, though, because it reminds me of that cutie Mister Mistoffelees. Haha, he's such an awesome guy. I asked Amanda (stage manager) today if they're going to cut a CD of the show, and she said they probably are. Then I asked her if I could have a copy and she said that they usually take videos of the entire show and sell them to the cast and crew with CDs and stuff. So I'm excited about hearing the music I was making. I hope it's as professional-quality as it needs to be. And I can't wait to actually be able to SEE the show I've been playing for the past two weeks.
What else, what else, what else... Harry Potter on July 16th! Excitement.
Yeah, whatever. My day of rest is tomorrow. I need to call le pastor and see what time I need to meet him either tomorrow or Tuesday. I really just want to sleep all day tomorrow.
Yeah. Whatever. Over and out.