Sorry, my rich text wasn't working so i couldnt get an lj cut.
I'm not depressed, I'm accutally quite happy but, I don't know if I'm okay.
Things make me think a lot. Like books movies or even as simple song lyric.
Or in this case- a quote. A quote from Van Gogh.
"I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process."
I think I've gone crazy. I think I am truely insane. I think there is sometime utterly wrong with me. Maybe its not such a bad thing, being crazy. Its rather amusing. But I love being so young. I miss the warmth of my mothers embrace. I miss the comfort the little plush toys gave me. I miss it all. But I don't remember it. I don't remember that happiness. I was grown up when I was little and only when I was alone and no one as looking- I was a kid. Now I wish I wasn't afraid. It catching up with me.
I'm acting like a child. I cry for the same reasons a child of a meir 5 years would. I have those mood swings children do- just to get attention. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm scared. I'm always at a loss of sleep.
And- though this does not protain its self to childhood- I have those moments where everything stops. And its as if the blood is rushing to my head. And my vision gets blurry. My head gets heavy. And its hard to stand. My knees buckel. And then its over. But its as if I enter a different world, for just a minute. And I don't realize there is stuff happening around me. People talking to me. I just close my eyes. And its as if... time stops. Or maybe, I just leave. Just for a split second- I'm gone. I don't know if its possible- but I'm always serching for answers...
Thats another thing. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and theres no explanation. But I always wanted an answer. I think thats why its so hard for me to believe there is a God because it leaves so many questions unanswered. I believe in God- but sometimes I wonder if its all just a fantasy. Just some one who needed to believe in something. Some one who had lost it all and needed one belief that they could believe and have others relay on. Or maybe God's really up there. Watching me. Watching us. Leaving the questions unanswered for me to discover throughout life. Maybe we are all just puppets and he controls our every move or maybe- its just how life plays its self out.
Its kills me when I don't have the answers. I hate having to ask question. I hate wondering things that will always be left unanswered.
I just wish there was something I could believe. That would explain everything. But theres nothing out there for me.
I know I'm not alone. But I'm always standing there and I don't notice I'm with people. I don't notice they care. I'm not really taking advantage of it, I'm just oblivious. I know I'm not alone- but why am I so lonely sometimes?
I really think I'm crazy.
I'm dependent. People mean so much to me. And I truely can't live with out some people. I fall in love. And yet, I'm only 14. How can I know what love is? How can I need some one so much. I always need their approval. I always need to know what they might think. I need them. And they never need me. They might want me around. But I need them like I need to breath. And it hurts. Breathing started hurting. And all because I needed you.
And I'm paranoid. Sometimes I sleep with the phone next to me- and sometimes I lock my bed room door at night. I sleep with the TV on because I drown out the noises. It always seems like no one else hears them. But they scare me. The screaching tires and sometimes I hear screams. And doors opening and door closing. No one else hears me. And I can't breath when I hear them. I can't move. They bring tears to my eyes. Because I always think some one is out to get me. They are just around the corner And I'm to scared to scream. I'm to scared to cry and if I don't make a noise... No one will hear me.
Sometimes I get really sad. I never want to live when I'm like this. I pay attention to every little thing. The way the birds fly and the way the rain falls. I watch it splatter into its perfect little fragments. And wish I could fall as perfect. When I'm sad its feels like there is no end. No way out. And its like I'm stuck.
But other times- I'm happy. Sickeningly happy. And I can't pay attention. My mind wonders when I'm happy. And I can't snap out of it. I don't care about people when I'm happy. I'm in my happy world. And its not even true happiness. Its like all my feelings are numb. I can't feel anything and I'm in my own world and I can't wipe off my smile.
I look around me and everyone is growing up. I guess I'm growing up. But I want it to stop.
I look around me and I can regconize everything around here. I guess I like it, but its also driving me crazy. Because nothing ever changes. The trees are always in the same spot and the grass always stay green. The flowers always bloom in the same places and the rain always smells the same. I guess I fear change, but the way this place stays the same drives me crazy. And I'd rather be scared than crazy...
But James is leaving for collage soon. Him leaving is going to tear me apart inside. It just proves my theory- the more I take a liking to something the more likley it is that it will just leave. It brings tears to my eyes knowing I'll have to come home to an empty house again. And not get those notes that tell me where he is. And I know dinner won't be the same with out him there to mock me. When he went away from spring break I missed him, and that was only a week. And I knew he'd be back. But he won't be able to visit home a lot. And things just won't be the same. Thats my brother... And now hes just going to walk out.
Its stuff like this that kill me...
Happy graduation.
Maybe I'll see you around.
Things make me think a lot. Like books movies or even as simple song lyric.
Or in this case- a quote. A quote from Van Gogh.
"I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process."
I think I've gone crazy. I think I am truely insane. I think there is sometime utterly wrong with me. Maybe its not such a bad thing, being crazy. Its rather amusing. But I love being so young. I miss the warmth of my mothers embrace. I miss the comfort the little plush toys gave me. I miss it all. But I don't remember it. I don't remember that happiness. I was grown up when I was little and only when I was alone and no one as looking- I was a kid. Now I wish I wasn't afraid. It catching up with me.
I'm acting like a child. I cry for the same reasons a child of a meir 5 years would. I have those mood swings children do- just to get attention. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm scared. I'm always at a loss of sleep.
And- though this does not protain its self to childhood- I have those moments where everything stops. And its as if the blood is rushing to my head. And my vision gets blurry. My head gets heavy. And its hard to stand. My knees buckel. And then its over. But its as if I enter a different world, for just a minute. And I don't realize there is stuff happening around me. People talking to me. I just close my eyes. And its as if... time stops. Or maybe, I just leave. Just for a split second- I'm gone. I don't know if its possible- but I'm always serching for answers...
Thats another thing. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and theres no explanation. But I always wanted an answer. I think thats why its so hard for me to believe there is a God because it leaves so many questions unanswered. I believe in God- but sometimes I wonder if its all just a fantasy. Just some one who needed to believe in something. Some one who had lost it all and needed one belief that they could believe and have others relay on. Or maybe God's really up there. Watching me. Watching us. Leaving the questions unanswered for me to discover throughout life. Maybe we are all just puppets and he controls our every move or maybe- its just how life plays its self out.
Its kills me when I don't have the answers. I hate having to ask question. I hate wondering things that will always be left unanswered.
I just wish there was something I could believe. That would explain everything. But theres nothing out there for me.
I know I'm not alone. But I'm always standing there and I don't notice I'm with people. I don't notice they care. I'm not really taking advantage of it, I'm just oblivious. I know I'm not alone- but why am I so lonely sometimes?
I really think I'm crazy.
I'm dependent. People mean so much to me. And I truely can't live with out some people. I fall in love. And yet, I'm only 14. How can I know what love is? How can I need some one so much. I always need their approval. I always need to know what they might think. I need them. And they never need me. They might want me around. But I need them like I need to breath. And it hurts. Breathing started hurting. And all because I needed you.
And I'm paranoid. Sometimes I sleep with the phone next to me- and sometimes I lock my bed room door at night. I sleep with the TV on because I drown out the noises. It always seems like no one else hears them. But they scare me. The screaching tires and sometimes I hear screams. And doors opening and door closing. No one else hears me. And I can't breath when I hear them. I can't move. They bring tears to my eyes. Because I always think some one is out to get me. They are just around the corner And I'm to scared to scream. I'm to scared to cry and if I don't make a noise... No one will hear me.
Sometimes I get really sad. I never want to live when I'm like this. I pay attention to every little thing. The way the birds fly and the way the rain falls. I watch it splatter into its perfect little fragments. And wish I could fall as perfect. When I'm sad its feels like there is no end. No way out. And its like I'm stuck.
But other times- I'm happy. Sickeningly happy. And I can't pay attention. My mind wonders when I'm happy. And I can't snap out of it. I don't care about people when I'm happy. I'm in my happy world. And its not even true happiness. Its like all my feelings are numb. I can't feel anything and I'm in my own world and I can't wipe off my smile.
I look around me and everyone is growing up. I guess I'm growing up. But I want it to stop.
I look around me and I can regconize everything around here. I guess I like it, but its also driving me crazy. Because nothing ever changes. The trees are always in the same spot and the grass always stay green. The flowers always bloom in the same places and the rain always smells the same. I guess I fear change, but the way this place stays the same drives me crazy. And I'd rather be scared than crazy...
But James is leaving for collage soon. Him leaving is going to tear me apart inside. It just proves my theory- the more I take a liking to something the more likley it is that it will just leave. It brings tears to my eyes knowing I'll have to come home to an empty house again. And not get those notes that tell me where he is. And I know dinner won't be the same with out him there to mock me. When he went away from spring break I missed him, and that was only a week. And I knew he'd be back. But he won't be able to visit home a lot. And things just won't be the same. Thats my brother... And now hes just going to walk out.
Its stuff like this that kill me...
Happy graduation.
Maybe I'll see you around.