the lover you wanted while you waited so long.
after reading some of my more recent [but still real old] entries i'm a little embarrassed about how angsty i was as a teenager, but also vastly relieved because i thought that that had only started after i moved to charleston. things were really shitty at that point as a result of a certain two boys who separately but successfully destroyed me... but i have to admit i was the architect of my own demise [what an excellent phrase]. i guess i'm a devout follower of palahniuk dogma but i've always believed that a mere change in habits will fix nothing-- you have to burn them to the ground and build yourself back up the way you want to be. i was pretty fucked up back then, back in high school i mean. i always assumed it was the boys and the relationships, but really it was me and my reactions to them. so i started dating boys i knew would break my heart because otherwise i'd keep making the same mistakes and i'd always be frustrated and angry with myself and filled with sourceless guilt. it makes sense in my head, i promise.
so now i'm genuinely terrified of commitment and filled with paranoia. i know it's genuine because i actually really and truly do want a boyfriend, a good one, but every time someone gets close i freak the fuck out and retreat. that's not even true... i think it's every time a nice boy gets close i get terrified that i'm going to destroy him. i don't want to inflict this on anyone else. i think what i need is another damaged person, not the kind that's going to cheat on me, not the crazy paranoid kind, just someone quiet and calm and beautiful. it makes sense in my head, i promise.
i've always had a policy of not thinking any less of my younger self just because she was a different age. i made this pact with myself long ago. kids and teenagers are more aware of the world than i can hope to ever be again. but i do feel silly for thinking i was broken before. i was strong and amazing and could put my trust in anyone, despite my claims to the contrary. and i could forgive, and did, the same people many times over, even when they maybe didn't deserve it. i guess that's the part of me i wanted to fix, my giving nature, because people will take advantage of that.
so! before graduating high school i was angsty over my [sometimes-ex] boyfriend, my sister, my best friend. i'd forgotten about all that. still, things were so good back then and i miss it. it's not the same when i visit home these days. i know we say it's like we're still in high school but i didn't know these people in high school. i never went to the country squire in high school. in high school when i "hung out" it was almost always with one person at a time and we talked about things that mattered and i knew myself and my friends and lovers inside out. these days i don't know anyone. i hang out with masses and we talk about nothing. i don't know myself anymore. i hope i turned out the way i wanted to.