Stream of Consciousness Journaling 23
Did my job again tonight and the police were called. He got arrested because he had pot, too and was really drunk. His own damn fault. Sucks. She was pretty shaken so I talked to her and told her if she needs to talk to just get to my room and we'll talk about how she can handle it or if she's upset about anything. I like having people want to talk to me and trust me...it's nice. Anyway...I'll start off by saying it's quarter to 4 in the morning and I feel as though I've accomplished nothing...lets see what I can muster up tonight though...
I had to wait until things were too far gone to fix until I saw what I wanted all along. I waited forever to see the end of the tough exterior that protected her heart and now that she finally admits when something's wrong and finally opens up to some degree it's just too far gone for her and me. I see parallels in the world around me with seeing the process but never being able to experience everything once the process is over or the change has occurred. I'll stare out my window and watch my campus be torn apart just as I am being and I'll never reap the benefits of this campus construction raid. New dorms once I'm gone and cleaner energy when it's too late for me to see. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture to see that the change was made...even if I can't benefit from it.
Why did it take us to break down until you finally cracked. When your first reaction is to shut out and act like nothing happened, that was the problem all the way through, when you knew what was wrong but you didn't want to say, as if it would place some sort of unnecessary burden on me. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know, just like others have done. I wouldn't have cried if I didn't care, just like the other ones. I wouldn't have tried even though i WAS scared just so that the problems could be done. Being with you wasn't just fun it was something so much more and now it's not possible to get it back. You really made up for what I lacked and would pick up my slack and we were so good together until things went downhill. For so long...nothing I did was good enough...so even when you changed, I felt pressured and it made it tough to focus on just BEING there than DOING things for you. I didn't realize that you were happy to just be with me and didn't need to be seen or go places anymore than I needed to do some of the obscene things I did. We both acted like fools and we can't take it back.
I'm getting dizzy. It's four in the morning now and I've been up for 19 hours...I think it's time for some sleep...I think too much is my problem
I had to wait until things were too far gone to fix until I saw what I wanted all along. I waited forever to see the end of the tough exterior that protected her heart and now that she finally admits when something's wrong and finally opens up to some degree it's just too far gone for her and me. I see parallels in the world around me with seeing the process but never being able to experience everything once the process is over or the change has occurred. I'll stare out my window and watch my campus be torn apart just as I am being and I'll never reap the benefits of this campus construction raid. New dorms once I'm gone and cleaner energy when it's too late for me to see. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture to see that the change was made...even if I can't benefit from it.
Why did it take us to break down until you finally cracked. When your first reaction is to shut out and act like nothing happened, that was the problem all the way through, when you knew what was wrong but you didn't want to say, as if it would place some sort of unnecessary burden on me. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know, just like others have done. I wouldn't have cried if I didn't care, just like the other ones. I wouldn't have tried even though i WAS scared just so that the problems could be done. Being with you wasn't just fun it was something so much more and now it's not possible to get it back. You really made up for what I lacked and would pick up my slack and we were so good together until things went downhill. For so long...nothing I did was good enough...so even when you changed, I felt pressured and it made it tough to focus on just BEING there than DOING things for you. I didn't realize that you were happy to just be with me and didn't need to be seen or go places anymore than I needed to do some of the obscene things I did. We both acted like fools and we can't take it back.
I'm getting dizzy. It's four in the morning now and I've been up for 19 hours...I think it's time for some sleep...I think too much is my problem