Stream of Consciousness Journaling 19
I'm in a really hard place right now. I'm face to face with every single place that I don't want to be in and keeping pace with people I don't wanna be seen with. Hypothetically speaking, my metaphors are weakening. I don't directly relate my life to what I write nor is it right to limit my writings to my sightings in my everyday walks through the park or shots in the dark. I see nothing wrong with making my vocabulary a bit longer or a bit strong by throwing in my diverse language that a person of my stature would not typically employ into their typical daily conversation. In class I'm raising my hand but kissing no ass, just because I answer the questions they ask and no one but me has the balls to ensure that they pass does not mean that my actions are blasphemy or inappropriate in any way, shape, or form. If I have the answers and you don't, read a fucking book, when I'm in class I need to get my head in the game because as soon as I get out my brain has gone lame, gone limp and I'm simple, utilizing "fuck" as a verb, pronoun, adjective, noun, adverb, and even an exclamation. The word is used so much that it just becomes this sound that hold no value because you can't see what I see because you don't, you think I'm wrong. I miss the time when I sat in the city makin music, sittin pretty, no worries or cares except what I'm gonna wear. Missin someone near and dear but baffled with fear of who she will ever hear what I hear in the vibrant city streets, teeming with horns and beeps, with patter of feet, and it's natural propensity towards creating beats. Cuz I wanna be around for a long time, but what's the point of being around if you're gonna be sitting around or lyin around. I need to make a sound, to proclaim how I'm bound to to greater things, to explain how I've found that I have hated things and I have powerful dreams. Some are worth the sacrifice and some leave me scared, some have me wonderin if I can ever be prepared to stare down my fate with tears down my face. Empty pockets paying for the music that will not go where I want it to and will not show how far I've come and all the things I've done, the pain I've made for others and the pain I've endured for all my brothers.
I have so much that's brewing inside me right now. It was a rough night...there are some things I know about myself that I will never change. Some things that people have said in the past that will always remain. Some memories that will never fade. The things that I've seen and the things that I've been through often make me question the very deepest parts of myself. Sometimes I don't know if I want or need help, or if I'd rather just hide from myself.
I have that feeling that makes me sick of the world. Already...I constantly break my record of getting fed up with school. It hasn't even been a week and I'm fed up...can someone help me understand what I'm doin with my life right now? If I'm not happy with it...what's it worth?
Haha. Sometimes existentialism and how it breaks you down can be funny other times it's just a slap in the fuckin face.
Sleep Well
I Love You
-Schimmel
I have so much that's brewing inside me right now. It was a rough night...there are some things I know about myself that I will never change. Some things that people have said in the past that will always remain. Some memories that will never fade. The things that I've seen and the things that I've been through often make me question the very deepest parts of myself. Sometimes I don't know if I want or need help, or if I'd rather just hide from myself.
I have that feeling that makes me sick of the world. Already...I constantly break my record of getting fed up with school. It hasn't even been a week and I'm fed up...can someone help me understand what I'm doin with my life right now? If I'm not happy with it...what's it worth?
Haha. Sometimes existentialism and how it breaks you down can be funny other times it's just a slap in the fuckin face.
Sleep Well
I Love You
-Schimmel