Flying..
06.05.03 00:40 (EDT)
I'm sitting in an airplane waiting for takeoff, after 5 hours of waiting to get on the damn thing (was scheduled for 8pm). So what am I doing here? Flying back to Munich from Philadelphia. I pondered whether to write 'home' there, but I'm not sure where that is currently ("Home is where the heart is", "Whereever I lay my hat, thats my home" - I nearly left it there, fate? I think I left my heart there too, since I'm just feeling pretty empty at the moment). Flight time 7 hours and 10 minutes says he, puttng us in Munich at 2pm, or 7am EDT. (Hmm, I calculated that wrong earlier, sorry love.)
Why is the air always cold in these things? Maybe I'll just leave my watch on EDT.. I don't want to leave here, spontaneous staying wasn't really an option though, despite wanting to. I'm much too practical for that, no job, no money,and unfinished business and contracts in Munich. Which I am dreading finishing for various reasons, probably it will do me good to look after myself for a while, not that that makes it any easier at all. I've never done this before.
07:40
Take it easy, take it easy,
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy..
We may loose and we may win,
but we will never be here again
so open up, I'm climbing in
Take it easy ..
(Eagles)
There are 4 toilets and around 200 people on this aircraft, how come they're always all occupied?
Why should I dread this? There are enough incompatibilities between us, his possssiveness and my desire to be more free. We both have faults, I tend to take a lack of interaction for granted, and haven't worked at it, instead busying myself online, which does not help. I also gave up talking to him about some things, where I saw a need for change or improvement, he didn't, and responded mostly by avoiding the subject or getting loud, which I hate. (And is one of the things I would have liked to have changed, the excuse being he shouts because his parents don't hear so well, well I do, is it too much to ask?) Because of my background I associate shouting with anger, could I have changed that? What irks me most were his claims at the beginning, that having been married before makes him ideal partner material.. Maybe it does, but only for someone similar to his wife, which I don't appear to be. Also the promise to get rich soon, which has turned into the opposite, through no fault of his own, true..
DrKate says one should use sentences like "I love you but I don't think we're compatible", and not accusations, which I will try, but how will he respond.. (I think she's living in her own little perfect world, to be honest) - likely there will be shouting, to which I will try not to shout back, but will probably cry, that being usual for me. We haven't talked a lot at all, if I think about it, not about our hopes and fears. I tend to avoid it because I break out in tears for no reason, which kind of inhibits conversation. I should get over that.
I am not anyones possession, but I need to learn to live together more, otherwise it's just a living side by side. I will try harder this time, it takes effort, there is no way just to hope it will work and do nothing. I guess I wanted all of the fun and security, without the effort. Which worked the first time around, and hasn't this time, why did I leave after 7 years? Boredom? Monotony?
...
(I wondered whether to enter this at all, being as a) most people wont have a clue what Im talking about, and b) somethings didnt turn out as expected anyway.. but, what the heck, maybe someone will make sense of it..)
I'm sitting in an airplane waiting for takeoff, after 5 hours of waiting to get on the damn thing (was scheduled for 8pm). So what am I doing here? Flying back to Munich from Philadelphia. I pondered whether to write 'home' there, but I'm not sure where that is currently ("Home is where the heart is", "Whereever I lay my hat, thats my home" - I nearly left it there, fate? I think I left my heart there too, since I'm just feeling pretty empty at the moment). Flight time 7 hours and 10 minutes says he, puttng us in Munich at 2pm, or 7am EDT. (Hmm, I calculated that wrong earlier, sorry love.)
Why is the air always cold in these things? Maybe I'll just leave my watch on EDT.. I don't want to leave here, spontaneous staying wasn't really an option though, despite wanting to. I'm much too practical for that, no job, no money,and unfinished business and contracts in Munich. Which I am dreading finishing for various reasons, probably it will do me good to look after myself for a while, not that that makes it any easier at all. I've never done this before.
07:40
Take it easy, take it easy,
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy..
We may loose and we may win,
but we will never be here again
so open up, I'm climbing in
Take it easy ..
(Eagles)
There are 4 toilets and around 200 people on this aircraft, how come they're always all occupied?
Why should I dread this? There are enough incompatibilities between us, his possssiveness and my desire to be more free. We both have faults, I tend to take a lack of interaction for granted, and haven't worked at it, instead busying myself online, which does not help. I also gave up talking to him about some things, where I saw a need for change or improvement, he didn't, and responded mostly by avoiding the subject or getting loud, which I hate. (And is one of the things I would have liked to have changed, the excuse being he shouts because his parents don't hear so well, well I do, is it too much to ask?) Because of my background I associate shouting with anger, could I have changed that? What irks me most were his claims at the beginning, that having been married before makes him ideal partner material.. Maybe it does, but only for someone similar to his wife, which I don't appear to be. Also the promise to get rich soon, which has turned into the opposite, through no fault of his own, true..
DrKate says one should use sentences like "I love you but I don't think we're compatible", and not accusations, which I will try, but how will he respond.. (I think she's living in her own little perfect world, to be honest) - likely there will be shouting, to which I will try not to shout back, but will probably cry, that being usual for me. We haven't talked a lot at all, if I think about it, not about our hopes and fears. I tend to avoid it because I break out in tears for no reason, which kind of inhibits conversation. I should get over that.
I am not anyones possession, but I need to learn to live together more, otherwise it's just a living side by side. I will try harder this time, it takes effort, there is no way just to hope it will work and do nothing. I guess I wanted all of the fun and security, without the effort. Which worked the first time around, and hasn't this time, why did I leave after 7 years? Boredom? Monotony?
...
(I wondered whether to enter this at all, being as a) most people wont have a clue what Im talking about, and b) somethings didnt turn out as expected anyway.. but, what the heck, maybe someone will make sense of it..)