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I often find myself wishing i wrote here a lot often. the second i start typing it's like my thought process stops. everything i wanted to say, gone. I feel i have nothing of interest to say... but the reason i started typing is that i felt i do. I'm choking.
It happens too often with others. I let others decide my happiness. they get what they want, I just adapt. apparently the pay off was seeing their happiness before mine but I realise if i'm not trying to live my best life today, it just makes it that much harder when I cut back my generosity - i'll come off as a bitch, selfish, because it'll seem out of character. What ever happened to compromise? why have i bent so much for others, and now i ask for something it's not easy to get. to be honest i feel a little used.
I've started a new job, i think I might've had 2 or 3 others between entries... it seems wherever I go there is always a group of people that establish themselves as superior. I haven't given them that title, and I refuse to give them any such power, it just bothers me so much, and they don't go about it shyly either. it's happened that I've overheard things I wish I didn't. Why do people act this way? The good thing is that it steers me away from them, and I actually form some solid friendships out of it - I don't look back on them as some people i worked with, I value them as friends. Yeah I'm so old fashioned. considering this job involves me helping people, you think being nice is a requirement, when slathered with insincerity, it just makes my stomach churn. I absolutely hate fake people.
speaking on that, I like(d?) someone. I don't know how I feel anymore. what I realised is that we're in different places in our lives, but it took over a week to be honest and tell me that. If I were different, or he were different, something may have happened, but neither of us can change the way we want to live, and I guess it's just a little disappointing, another what if... It bothers me that he left with his last words admitting that, and I just... I can't say he's making a mistake, it's his life to live as he likes, but I just can't see the value of carrying on like that... on admitting that I'd be the type of girl he'd want to keep, but he's not ready for that.... I value his honesty, like crazy, but I just feel like I want to cry. I want to tell him he's a coward. I want to SHOW him what a proper kiss would be like, I'm over being shy. I'd like to be in a situation where we got to know each other more, and maybe share some happiness... a moment, a little while, or a lifetime, I don't care. I'm taking it personally, and I shouldn't. I feel unvalued. I feel weird. I feel stupid. I feel foolish. I feel a million negative feelings, but the stand out one is insecure. I'm not worth the effort. this isn't the first time I've been in this situation, but the first where I wasn't so shocked and deleted him from my life straight away. I don't know what my lesson here is. Maybe it's that I already know it. "Don't expect anything off anyone, you can only control you're reactions". OK so I don't. ever. really. do I? I don't mean to. Maybe I think people are nicer than they really are. I have no idea what to think. I can't feel let down can I? I guess this is a practical, and I am failing. Master in theory. a fail in real life. & I can't change for him because I don't want to.
does that make me a coward? naive? haughty? Aha, yup he called me naive... and I guess I was. another guy called me "too sophisticated". I've been told I'm unapproachable. really? I don't think I am, but it doesn't change people's perception... that's something I have no control over. why the silly games. I said goodbye, because it won't work. he said night night x. a big part of me wants him to knock and wake me up, and not even put a time limit on it. isn't that stupid. the smart part of me says to not look back, not care, carry on, ignore the knocking on my door if he should do so. My eyes are very sad today. my heart is dragging on the floor. I'm a total fool. I don't want to over think things, go off imagining unrealistic dreamy dreams. Ok, so there's my reason for my entry there. closure. I've written my shredded thoughts. maybe now it wont stir in my head and heart. another unrealistic dream.
It happens too often with others. I let others decide my happiness. they get what they want, I just adapt. apparently the pay off was seeing their happiness before mine but I realise if i'm not trying to live my best life today, it just makes it that much harder when I cut back my generosity - i'll come off as a bitch, selfish, because it'll seem out of character. What ever happened to compromise? why have i bent so much for others, and now i ask for something it's not easy to get. to be honest i feel a little used.
I've started a new job, i think I might've had 2 or 3 others between entries... it seems wherever I go there is always a group of people that establish themselves as superior. I haven't given them that title, and I refuse to give them any such power, it just bothers me so much, and they don't go about it shyly either. it's happened that I've overheard things I wish I didn't. Why do people act this way? The good thing is that it steers me away from them, and I actually form some solid friendships out of it - I don't look back on them as some people i worked with, I value them as friends. Yeah I'm so old fashioned. considering this job involves me helping people, you think being nice is a requirement, when slathered with insincerity, it just makes my stomach churn. I absolutely hate fake people.
speaking on that, I like(d?) someone. I don't know how I feel anymore. what I realised is that we're in different places in our lives, but it took over a week to be honest and tell me that. If I were different, or he were different, something may have happened, but neither of us can change the way we want to live, and I guess it's just a little disappointing, another what if... It bothers me that he left with his last words admitting that, and I just... I can't say he's making a mistake, it's his life to live as he likes, but I just can't see the value of carrying on like that... on admitting that I'd be the type of girl he'd want to keep, but he's not ready for that.... I value his honesty, like crazy, but I just feel like I want to cry. I want to tell him he's a coward. I want to SHOW him what a proper kiss would be like, I'm over being shy. I'd like to be in a situation where we got to know each other more, and maybe share some happiness... a moment, a little while, or a lifetime, I don't care. I'm taking it personally, and I shouldn't. I feel unvalued. I feel weird. I feel stupid. I feel foolish. I feel a million negative feelings, but the stand out one is insecure. I'm not worth the effort. this isn't the first time I've been in this situation, but the first where I wasn't so shocked and deleted him from my life straight away. I don't know what my lesson here is. Maybe it's that I already know it. "Don't expect anything off anyone, you can only control you're reactions". OK so I don't. ever. really. do I? I don't mean to. Maybe I think people are nicer than they really are. I have no idea what to think. I can't feel let down can I? I guess this is a practical, and I am failing. Master in theory. a fail in real life. & I can't change for him because I don't want to.
does that make me a coward? naive? haughty? Aha, yup he called me naive... and I guess I was. another guy called me "too sophisticated". I've been told I'm unapproachable. really? I don't think I am, but it doesn't change people's perception... that's something I have no control over. why the silly games. I said goodbye, because it won't work. he said night night x. a big part of me wants him to knock and wake me up, and not even put a time limit on it. isn't that stupid. the smart part of me says to not look back, not care, carry on, ignore the knocking on my door if he should do so. My eyes are very sad today. my heart is dragging on the floor. I'm a total fool. I don't want to over think things, go off imagining unrealistic dreamy dreams. Ok, so there's my reason for my entry there. closure. I've written my shredded thoughts. maybe now it wont stir in my head and heart. another unrealistic dream.