(no subject)
Another long on the fire, another cigarette, another rum and coke, another glass of wine, another girl, another year gone by. This year has probably been the toughest, in so many ways. School seems obsolete. I’ve dated, but no one seems to be able to match, let alone surpass the love that I felt what seems so long ago. Day by day, I feel like I am only existing. Nothing more. It’s gotten to the point where I have no motivation to do anything. Because whatever I do doesn’t have anything to do with where I want to be. So here I am, Christmas night, 2006. Merry Christmas to all of you. I wish I could be a little more optimistic about it, but so little has sparked a fire under my spirit.
This year, not even a week ago, a good friend of mine packed up all his things and moved to Ireland. No real plan. Just to live there and experience. The more I spoke with him the few nights before his departure, the more it inspired me. There is no real reason that I should be here. I’m not holding onto anything truly engaging here. High school is over. College isn’t fitting for me. Girls remain insignificant, at least the ones that I have date. There is no culture here. And I want to be in a culture. The upper-middle class suburban lifestyle doesn’t fit me at all. I keep thinking about transferring schools, but I don’t even think that transferring will make me truly happy. Is it my fault that I can’t seem to enjoy where I am right now? Should I find a way to make this life work for me? Or is it not to rash to say that I belong somewhere else? Even my two best friends in the world have found their lives. They are both happily engaged (practically). If I left, would I even be that much missed? Sure, for a little while, but even when people move away, there is a time of sadness, almost mourning for some, but everyone recovers. If I left, people would be fine here. And I could always come back and visit if needed. I mean, the thing that really scares me is that I might go over there and have nothing. I wouldn’t know anyone, wouldn’t know the language, wouldn’t be able to communicate. But I do have family there. And it couldn’t be that long until I get a grasp on something. Who knows, perhaps I’ll find that new love that will draw me in and spark my heart. That’s why Sean left. He had nothing holding him back. I have nothing holding me back.
Regardless, somewhere out there there is a place for me. And I am determined to find it.
This year, not even a week ago, a good friend of mine packed up all his things and moved to Ireland. No real plan. Just to live there and experience. The more I spoke with him the few nights before his departure, the more it inspired me. There is no real reason that I should be here. I’m not holding onto anything truly engaging here. High school is over. College isn’t fitting for me. Girls remain insignificant, at least the ones that I have date. There is no culture here. And I want to be in a culture. The upper-middle class suburban lifestyle doesn’t fit me at all. I keep thinking about transferring schools, but I don’t even think that transferring will make me truly happy. Is it my fault that I can’t seem to enjoy where I am right now? Should I find a way to make this life work for me? Or is it not to rash to say that I belong somewhere else? Even my two best friends in the world have found their lives. They are both happily engaged (practically). If I left, would I even be that much missed? Sure, for a little while, but even when people move away, there is a time of sadness, almost mourning for some, but everyone recovers. If I left, people would be fine here. And I could always come back and visit if needed. I mean, the thing that really scares me is that I might go over there and have nothing. I wouldn’t know anyone, wouldn’t know the language, wouldn’t be able to communicate. But I do have family there. And it couldn’t be that long until I get a grasp on something. Who knows, perhaps I’ll find that new love that will draw me in and spark my heart. That’s why Sean left. He had nothing holding him back. I have nothing holding me back.
Regardless, somewhere out there there is a place for me. And I am determined to find it.