Merry Christmas...
I'd planned on doing something much different for my Flist for Christmas, but time just got away from me. Therefore, with apologies to shiv5468 for including her without permission, and to the gen writers of the world for the subject matter, here's my very tongue-in-cheek (and highly personalized) take on what the characters do when we're not looking.
A tall man approached the podium at the head of the room, his movements graceful. The sweep of his black robes was a complement to the swirl of the long, dark hair that swung to his shoulders.
He took his place at the podium, looking completely as ease as he coolly surveying the other five occupants of the room.
"This meeting of the Scattered Logic branch of Fanfiction Characters United will now come to order," Severus Snape said.
A burly man in the audience leaned toward to the pretty young woman sitting beside him. He carefully brushed her dark hair - marred by a white streak - away from her ear to whisper, "Who picked the name of this group, anyway? Didn't they realise that the acronym would be FCU?"
Overhearing, Hermione Granger shot Logan a dirty look.
"Before we begin," Severus continued in measured tones, "you may notice that two of our members are not with us tonight. Miss Scully and Mr. Mulder have decided that they will no longer participate in these meetings due to the fact that Ms. Logic shows no sign of writing for them again. They have assured me that they will return if that situation changes.
"Now, shall we dispense with the reading of the minutes and simply get down to business?"
Hermione Granger instinctively began to raise her hand and then halted her movement quickly after a glare from Snape.
"I just wanted to point out that Robert's Rules of Order require that--" Hermione began.
"It's perfectly legal as long as we all agree." Snape's tone became impatient. "We don't have time for this, you know. We only have this conference room for an hour. The Lord of the Rings people have it scheduled for the rest of the day."
Sarah Williams shifted in her seat and frowned. "Well, that isn't fair. How do they rate getting it for the rest of the day while we're only allotted an hour?"
Snape glowered. "They have an extremely large cast."
When no one said anything further, Snape continued. "Now, have you all given sufficient thought to the subject introduced by Miss Granger during our last meeting?"
"You mean unionisation." The blond man sitting next to Sarah Williams flicked his fingertips and the crystal balls that had been dancing across his hands disappeared.
"Precisely," Snape answered. "As Miss Granger pointed out, there could be distinct advantages in presenting an organised front to the fanfiction writers of the world. I'm uncertain about the rest of you, but I'm quite tired of being portrayed as either a secretly romantic fool or an unredeemable sadist. Shading and complexity of characterisation is possible, you know. Perhaps it is time that we forced the issue."
Logan nodded in agreement. "And I'm really getting sick of being written as an idiot." He held up one hand and curled it into a fist. Nine-inch adamandium claws shot through the skin of his knuckles. "These make me deadly, not stupid."
Rogue patted Logan's shoulder with a gloved hand and turned to Snape. "What exactly would we be asking for?" she drawled.
"A break between novel-length stories, a limit to the number of hurt/comfort plotlines in which we participate and absolutely no character death," Snape answered.
As a collective, the people in the room shuddered at the mention of the last category.
"And if the writers don't agree?" Logan asked.
"Then we go on strike," Hermione answered before Snape could speak. He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head in irritation at the interruption.
"Writer's block," Rogue murmured. "They hate that."
"While Hermione raised a few valid points, I'm against it," Jareth said.
"Oh, you would be," Hermione muttered and rolled her eyes.
"And just what do you mean by that?" Jareth's voice suddenly went cool.
"You're the king in your fandom," Hermione answered sharply. "You don't want to give up that power."
Jareth only smiled widely and settled one gloved hand at the nape of Sarah's neck.
"And you constantly objectify Sarah," Hermione spat out.
"At least I'm not wasting my time futilely attempting to free house elves. SPEW, wasn't it?" Jareth sneered. "But then you never asked the elves what they wanted, did you? So before you take that tone with me, perhaps you should ask Sarah if she dislikes my behaviour."
All eyes in the room turned toward Sarah.
The dark-haired girl sighed. "I'm sorry, Hermione, but I have to agree with Jareth. I'm against unionisation as well."
Hermione looked shocked at Sarah's apparent defection from her cause.
Logan's eyes narrowed in suspicion and his voice lowered dangerously. "Is that what you really want? Or is he forcing you to say that?"
Jareth's eyes narrowed in return. "Perhaps you have to force Rogue to stay with you, however I do not force--"
"No," Sarah interrupted quickly. "Jareth isn't forcing me to say or do anything." She hesitated and then blushed slightly before lifting her chin defiantly. "I just don't want to give up the sex."
Hermione's mouth dropped open.
"Oh, c'mon, Hermione," Sarah continued, "if we start making demands and refusing to co-operate, all the writers will have left to work with is canon. How much sex do any of you get there? Maybe the rest of you are doing better than Jareth and me, but all we got in the movie was one dance and a few suggestive remarks."
Jareth smiled slightly and traced the tips of his gloved fingers in slow circles along the length of Sarah's neck. His smile widened when she gave a barely perceptible shiver.
"Ahem," Rogue cleared her throat and then glanced at Hermione apologetically. "She has a point, Hermione. And at least in fanfic we're written as older. And in canon, we're limited to PG-13." She cast a sidelong look at Logan. "I really enjoy most of those R and NC-17 stories."
Logan grinned. "Me, too, darlin'. Me, too."
"Shall we put it to a vote?" Severus said from the podium. When everyone nodded, he asked, "All those in favour of unionisation?"
Hermione raised her hand.
"All opposed?"
Jareth, Sarah, Logan, Rogue and Severus raised their hands.
"The nays have it and the motion is lost," Severus pronounced.
The conference room door opened and a scruffy dark man in a tunic stuck his head into the room. "Ah, sorry," he said. "I thought the Lord of the Rings meeting was in here."
"We're just about to leave," Severus answered.
"Sorry for the interruption," the man said and withdrew.
"Any further business?" Severus asked. "As you can see, we're about to lose the room."
No one spoke.
"Very well, this meeting is adjourned." Snape tapped his wand on the podium and it vanished.
At that, Logan raised an eyebrow and Severus sneered. "It belongs in my classroom. Let those Middle Earth people bring their own equipment."
Jareth stood and took Sarah's hand. He drew her close to him, smirked briefly at Hermione and they vanished.
After saying a hasty goodbye, Logan and Rogue slipped out the door.
Hermione sat frowning in her chair.
"I did try to warn you, Hermione," Snape said gently.
"I know." She sighed. "But I had to try."
Severus gathered up his papers and spoke again, carefully avoiding her eyes. "You thought the benefits of unionisation would outweigh the risk of losing sexual relations?"
While his question was a portrait of studied nonchalance, Hermione knew him too well not to recognise the insecurity there.
"Oh, Severus," Hermione's voice broke slightly, "is that why you've been so upset this past week? I never wanted to give that up. I'm just so tired of those stories where you're tortured to within an inch of your life. How many bouts of the Cruciatus Curse must you suffer? Did you know that there are entire archives devoted to hurt/comfort scenarios? I just don't want you to go through that any longer."
He moved to face her and a wry smile twisted his lips. "It has become quite clichéd." His smile turned sly. "Although, certain clichés have proved to be very enjoyable."
Hermione pursed her lips slightly. "Such as?"
"Well, you do seem to enjoy those detention fantasies..."
Hermione blushed and reached out to brush a speck of non-existent lint from his black robes. "Well, I wouldn't mind a little change. Maybe you could be the naughty one next time."
Severus smirked. "I'll speak with Ms. Logic. Perhaps something can be arranged. And if not her..." He shrugged. "There's always Shiv..."
A tall man approached the podium at the head of the room, his movements graceful. The sweep of his black robes was a complement to the swirl of the long, dark hair that swung to his shoulders.
He took his place at the podium, looking completely as ease as he coolly surveying the other five occupants of the room.
"This meeting of the Scattered Logic branch of Fanfiction Characters United will now come to order," Severus Snape said.
A burly man in the audience leaned toward to the pretty young woman sitting beside him. He carefully brushed her dark hair - marred by a white streak - away from her ear to whisper, "Who picked the name of this group, anyway? Didn't they realise that the acronym would be FCU?"
Overhearing, Hermione Granger shot Logan a dirty look.
"Before we begin," Severus continued in measured tones, "you may notice that two of our members are not with us tonight. Miss Scully and Mr. Mulder have decided that they will no longer participate in these meetings due to the fact that Ms. Logic shows no sign of writing for them again. They have assured me that they will return if that situation changes.
"Now, shall we dispense with the reading of the minutes and simply get down to business?"
Hermione Granger instinctively began to raise her hand and then halted her movement quickly after a glare from Snape.
"I just wanted to point out that Robert's Rules of Order require that--" Hermione began.
"It's perfectly legal as long as we all agree." Snape's tone became impatient. "We don't have time for this, you know. We only have this conference room for an hour. The Lord of the Rings people have it scheduled for the rest of the day."
Sarah Williams shifted in her seat and frowned. "Well, that isn't fair. How do they rate getting it for the rest of the day while we're only allotted an hour?"
Snape glowered. "They have an extremely large cast."
When no one said anything further, Snape continued. "Now, have you all given sufficient thought to the subject introduced by Miss Granger during our last meeting?"
"You mean unionisation." The blond man sitting next to Sarah Williams flicked his fingertips and the crystal balls that had been dancing across his hands disappeared.
"Precisely," Snape answered. "As Miss Granger pointed out, there could be distinct advantages in presenting an organised front to the fanfiction writers of the world. I'm uncertain about the rest of you, but I'm quite tired of being portrayed as either a secretly romantic fool or an unredeemable sadist. Shading and complexity of characterisation is possible, you know. Perhaps it is time that we forced the issue."
Logan nodded in agreement. "And I'm really getting sick of being written as an idiot." He held up one hand and curled it into a fist. Nine-inch adamandium claws shot through the skin of his knuckles. "These make me deadly, not stupid."
Rogue patted Logan's shoulder with a gloved hand and turned to Snape. "What exactly would we be asking for?" she drawled.
"A break between novel-length stories, a limit to the number of hurt/comfort plotlines in which we participate and absolutely no character death," Snape answered.
As a collective, the people in the room shuddered at the mention of the last category.
"And if the writers don't agree?" Logan asked.
"Then we go on strike," Hermione answered before Snape could speak. He closed his eyes briefly and shook his head in irritation at the interruption.
"Writer's block," Rogue murmured. "They hate that."
"While Hermione raised a few valid points, I'm against it," Jareth said.
"Oh, you would be," Hermione muttered and rolled her eyes.
"And just what do you mean by that?" Jareth's voice suddenly went cool.
"You're the king in your fandom," Hermione answered sharply. "You don't want to give up that power."
Jareth only smiled widely and settled one gloved hand at the nape of Sarah's neck.
"And you constantly objectify Sarah," Hermione spat out.
"At least I'm not wasting my time futilely attempting to free house elves. SPEW, wasn't it?" Jareth sneered. "But then you never asked the elves what they wanted, did you? So before you take that tone with me, perhaps you should ask Sarah if she dislikes my behaviour."
All eyes in the room turned toward Sarah.
The dark-haired girl sighed. "I'm sorry, Hermione, but I have to agree with Jareth. I'm against unionisation as well."
Hermione looked shocked at Sarah's apparent defection from her cause.
Logan's eyes narrowed in suspicion and his voice lowered dangerously. "Is that what you really want? Or is he forcing you to say that?"
Jareth's eyes narrowed in return. "Perhaps you have to force Rogue to stay with you, however I do not force--"
"No," Sarah interrupted quickly. "Jareth isn't forcing me to say or do anything." She hesitated and then blushed slightly before lifting her chin defiantly. "I just don't want to give up the sex."
Hermione's mouth dropped open.
"Oh, c'mon, Hermione," Sarah continued, "if we start making demands and refusing to co-operate, all the writers will have left to work with is canon. How much sex do any of you get there? Maybe the rest of you are doing better than Jareth and me, but all we got in the movie was one dance and a few suggestive remarks."
Jareth smiled slightly and traced the tips of his gloved fingers in slow circles along the length of Sarah's neck. His smile widened when she gave a barely perceptible shiver.
"Ahem," Rogue cleared her throat and then glanced at Hermione apologetically. "She has a point, Hermione. And at least in fanfic we're written as older. And in canon, we're limited to PG-13." She cast a sidelong look at Logan. "I really enjoy most of those R and NC-17 stories."
Logan grinned. "Me, too, darlin'. Me, too."
"Shall we put it to a vote?" Severus said from the podium. When everyone nodded, he asked, "All those in favour of unionisation?"
Hermione raised her hand.
"All opposed?"
Jareth, Sarah, Logan, Rogue and Severus raised their hands.
"The nays have it and the motion is lost," Severus pronounced.
The conference room door opened and a scruffy dark man in a tunic stuck his head into the room. "Ah, sorry," he said. "I thought the Lord of the Rings meeting was in here."
"We're just about to leave," Severus answered.
"Sorry for the interruption," the man said and withdrew.
"Any further business?" Severus asked. "As you can see, we're about to lose the room."
No one spoke.
"Very well, this meeting is adjourned." Snape tapped his wand on the podium and it vanished.
At that, Logan raised an eyebrow and Severus sneered. "It belongs in my classroom. Let those Middle Earth people bring their own equipment."
Jareth stood and took Sarah's hand. He drew her close to him, smirked briefly at Hermione and they vanished.
After saying a hasty goodbye, Logan and Rogue slipped out the door.
Hermione sat frowning in her chair.
"I did try to warn you, Hermione," Snape said gently.
"I know." She sighed. "But I had to try."
Severus gathered up his papers and spoke again, carefully avoiding her eyes. "You thought the benefits of unionisation would outweigh the risk of losing sexual relations?"
While his question was a portrait of studied nonchalance, Hermione knew him too well not to recognise the insecurity there.
"Oh, Severus," Hermione's voice broke slightly, "is that why you've been so upset this past week? I never wanted to give that up. I'm just so tired of those stories where you're tortured to within an inch of your life. How many bouts of the Cruciatus Curse must you suffer? Did you know that there are entire archives devoted to hurt/comfort scenarios? I just don't want you to go through that any longer."
He moved to face her and a wry smile twisted his lips. "It has become quite clichéd." His smile turned sly. "Although, certain clichés have proved to be very enjoyable."
Hermione pursed her lips slightly. "Such as?"
"Well, you do seem to enjoy those detention fantasies..."
Hermione blushed and reached out to brush a speck of non-existent lint from his black robes. "Well, I wouldn't mind a little change. Maybe you could be the naughty one next time."
Severus smirked. "I'll speak with Ms. Logic. Perhaps something can be arranged. And if not her..." He shrugged. "There's always Shiv..."