The Crazy Update, in Which I Reveal That I Am Loony Toons, or Can I Have a Sticker, Please?
I awoke very early this morning to find myself alone in bed, by which I mean there were no cats with me. Not a single one. This is extremely unusual. On a typical morning there are anywhere between three and five felines sharing my mattress. I knew at once that something was awry. I pulled myself out of bed and padded into the kitchen where I found all the cats and two intent dogs staring at the wild bird hopping around on the windowsill, trying like mad to get out the closed window. What to do? I was barely awake, but I remembered that there was an old crusty aquarium net on the back patio. Amazingly I found it on the first look. It's not very big, closer to minnow-size than trout. Luckily the bird was small. As fate would have it, the bird hopped up onto a little glass ashtray (clean not used, as I do not need ash trays any more) on the counter and I got the net over it. Then I just scooped up the ashtray and carried it onto the patio where I released the bird. It flew away faster than I have ever seen a bird go. I cannot imagine the terror it endured. The cats all looked disappointed, especially Sandy, who was closest and undeniably sneaking up in attack mode just before I arrived to spoil her fun. I didn't see Sandy for hours and I can only assume she was sulking. She has since forgiven me or forgotten about the bird. The only mystery is how the bird got inside in the first place. I fear a feline dragged it in but hadn't finished playing with it before the kill. It did not appear injured in any way, which is pretty amazing. Consider the fate of the half lizard I found on the front patio a few hours ago. It was a whole lizard at some point. No more. The bird was a lucky, lucky duck.*
In other news, my crabby attitude has mellowed considerably in the last few days. I was really getting pissy there for awhile. Heat related? Maybe, but the temperature hasn't been significantly cooler despite these rumors of it being autumn in other parts of the world. Is it true? Is it really autumn outside of the desert? Someone post a picture or I will be like those nuts who claim the moon landing was a farce. Then again, those nuts reject pictures of the moon landing so I could just accuse you of perpetuating a great, cruel hoax against me.
In yet more news, I am obsessed. This is not new, but I don't think I have written about it yet. It started several months back when I discovered the Albertston's knife sticker promotion. For every ten dollars spent at the store, shoppers received one sticker. With a certain number of stickers collected on a sheet, shoppers could get "free" knives. Okay, a sheet to fill up? A deadline? A prize? Why, those are all the elements it takes to send me completely around the bend as it turns out. Who knew? All of a sudden, I got ridiculously nuts about filling up my sticker sheet. I got as many friends, family members and their friends to give me their stickers as I could find. I couldn't believe how many people weren't even bothering to collect them in the first place. Those fools! Didn't they know they could get "free" knives?! Didn't they understand there was a goal (sticker sheet), a deadline, and a prize? Lucky for me the people who agreed to give me stickers were immune to the lure of this promotion. Lucky for them they weren't suddenly going crazy trying to purchase groceries in amounts of ten dollar increments. It *killed* me when I was close to getting another sticker but just far enough off not to make it. I found myself adding items (or taking them away)to get the right balance of stickers to store product. Some checkers became my heroes because they would give me extra stickers. What angels! Other checkers remain on my shit list to this day because they were greedy sticklers who refused to round up, even though the person ahead of me didn't take any stickers, and I know because I *saw* that he didn't, and I was going to run up and ask if maybe *I* could have his stickers but he'd already wheeled his cart away, so the skin-flint checker could have given me a break, but nooooo, and now I hate that guy. Once I had to return something to Albertson's and I was afraid the checker would demand my sticker back. I was so concerned about this that I had my argument ready to go. Hey, what about all the times I *didn't* get a sticker, huh? What about THAT? No, no you cannot have my sticker back. I was midway through my imagined confrontation with the checker when I realized that I had gone completely batshit crazy. I returned the item and no one demanded my sticker back. Because no one is as crazy about this sticker business as I am. Part of the frenzy was that I came across the sticker promotion very late in the game; by the time I started collecting the deadline was fast approaching. I was actually pretty relieved once it had passed. I got my two knives. I could stop worrying about rounding up or down my grocery shopping, nagging my friends for stickers, or feeling ridiculous pangs when I shopped anywhere else because I wasn't getting stickers for free knives at the Fry's now was I, but I liked their bread better, so what was I to do? WHAT WAS I TO DO?!
For a few months there, it was smooth sailing. Now Alberston's has a new sticker promotion**. Pots and pans. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit shitshitshitshitshit. I am already sucked in. I am alreading calculating my grocery cart down to the penny, which is not easy when you're a math tard such as I. Tonight the checker gave me one extra sticker! I almost cheered. Hello, OCD. I am right back in Obsessive-ville, Population 1 Freakette. It's lonely here, even with all my stickers to keep me company.
Now this post has grown terribly long so I will have to sign off before writing my Freak of the Week awards post, in which I recognize the strangest library patron of the week. I am just not in the mood right now, because it's hard to quibble about how weird other people are when you've just admitted you're obsessing about stickers for what are probably not even high quality knives, pots and pans. But that doesn't even matter! It's not about quality. It's about the game. It's about filling up the sheet. It's about the goal. Is it possible that *I* get the freak of the week award? My weirdness is not library related which is usually a big part of Freak of the Week, however I spend more time there than any patron, don't I? I am a librarian. And yes, yes, I can't deny it but despite the huge, the HUGE spike in weirdos this summer, there is just no escaping that *I* am the Freak of the Week.
* A figurative duck, not a literal one. There was not a duck in my kitchen this morning
**I have already started recruiting friends for sticker collection. How about you, friend?
In other news, my crabby attitude has mellowed considerably in the last few days. I was really getting pissy there for awhile. Heat related? Maybe, but the temperature hasn't been significantly cooler despite these rumors of it being autumn in other parts of the world. Is it true? Is it really autumn outside of the desert? Someone post a picture or I will be like those nuts who claim the moon landing was a farce. Then again, those nuts reject pictures of the moon landing so I could just accuse you of perpetuating a great, cruel hoax against me.
In yet more news, I am obsessed. This is not new, but I don't think I have written about it yet. It started several months back when I discovered the Albertston's knife sticker promotion. For every ten dollars spent at the store, shoppers received one sticker. With a certain number of stickers collected on a sheet, shoppers could get "free" knives. Okay, a sheet to fill up? A deadline? A prize? Why, those are all the elements it takes to send me completely around the bend as it turns out. Who knew? All of a sudden, I got ridiculously nuts about filling up my sticker sheet. I got as many friends, family members and their friends to give me their stickers as I could find. I couldn't believe how many people weren't even bothering to collect them in the first place. Those fools! Didn't they know they could get "free" knives?! Didn't they understand there was a goal (sticker sheet), a deadline, and a prize? Lucky for me the people who agreed to give me stickers were immune to the lure of this promotion. Lucky for them they weren't suddenly going crazy trying to purchase groceries in amounts of ten dollar increments. It *killed* me when I was close to getting another sticker but just far enough off not to make it. I found myself adding items (or taking them away)to get the right balance of stickers to store product. Some checkers became my heroes because they would give me extra stickers. What angels! Other checkers remain on my shit list to this day because they were greedy sticklers who refused to round up, even though the person ahead of me didn't take any stickers, and I know because I *saw* that he didn't, and I was going to run up and ask if maybe *I* could have his stickers but he'd already wheeled his cart away, so the skin-flint checker could have given me a break, but nooooo, and now I hate that guy. Once I had to return something to Albertson's and I was afraid the checker would demand my sticker back. I was so concerned about this that I had my argument ready to go. Hey, what about all the times I *didn't* get a sticker, huh? What about THAT? No, no you cannot have my sticker back. I was midway through my imagined confrontation with the checker when I realized that I had gone completely batshit crazy. I returned the item and no one demanded my sticker back. Because no one is as crazy about this sticker business as I am. Part of the frenzy was that I came across the sticker promotion very late in the game; by the time I started collecting the deadline was fast approaching. I was actually pretty relieved once it had passed. I got my two knives. I could stop worrying about rounding up or down my grocery shopping, nagging my friends for stickers, or feeling ridiculous pangs when I shopped anywhere else because I wasn't getting stickers for free knives at the Fry's now was I, but I liked their bread better, so what was I to do? WHAT WAS I TO DO?!
For a few months there, it was smooth sailing. Now Alberston's has a new sticker promotion**. Pots and pans. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit shitshitshitshitshit. I am already sucked in. I am alreading calculating my grocery cart down to the penny, which is not easy when you're a math tard such as I. Tonight the checker gave me one extra sticker! I almost cheered. Hello, OCD. I am right back in Obsessive-ville, Population 1 Freakette. It's lonely here, even with all my stickers to keep me company.
Now this post has grown terribly long so I will have to sign off before writing my Freak of the Week awards post, in which I recognize the strangest library patron of the week. I am just not in the mood right now, because it's hard to quibble about how weird other people are when you've just admitted you're obsessing about stickers for what are probably not even high quality knives, pots and pans. But that doesn't even matter! It's not about quality. It's about the game. It's about filling up the sheet. It's about the goal. Is it possible that *I* get the freak of the week award? My weirdness is not library related which is usually a big part of Freak of the Week, however I spend more time there than any patron, don't I? I am a librarian. And yes, yes, I can't deny it but despite the huge, the HUGE spike in weirdos this summer, there is just no escaping that *I* am the Freak of the Week.
* A figurative duck, not a literal one. There was not a duck in my kitchen this morning
**I have already started recruiting friends for sticker collection. How about you, friend?