(no subject)
my dad passed away earlier this year, and it was the most painful thing i've ever had to go through, the most painful thing that i'm still going through.
i don't know how to handle it, i cant wrap my mind around it, it doesn't seem like something that actually happened, i keep expecting my phone to ring and have it be him.
i still torture myself, re-playing the many many many voicemails i have from him.
i haven't had the chance to be alone since it happened, i suppose that's my fault on purpose.
i've thrown myself into working all day everyday, no days off, and i guess i'm just avoiding reality and hiding behind really shiny body jewelry.
my dad was the strongest person i knew, the happiest, always smiling, talking about his favorite music, he was retired from the army and his hobby was DJ'ing, he would DJ parties all the time, he was always booked for a gig everytime he called, he played tejano music, norteno, type stuff, his passion.
he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in november, but was in denial, all he told me he had was an ulcer, so i didn't think much of it.
mid december rolls around and he calls, saying he had gone back to the hospital, ulcer this and that, and he casually mentions cancer, i didn't take him seriously because i had a habit of not answering my phone a lot and i figured maybe he was just saying that so i would answer more often, or else he wouldn't have said cancer so nonchalantly. he asks me to please answer his phone calls from now on, i say of course, of course i will
i offer to go visit, he declines, saying no no, it's nothing.
i call around my family, and my aunt tells me it's true, that he does have cancer, that he's known since november, but didn't tell anyone, was in deep deep denial, and actually was going to work like nothing happened, and that he had collapased at work and that's how he ended up at the hospital again.
my dad calls and updates me with things, saying the doctors have everything under control.
then maybe the next day i get call from him, he passes the phone to his doctor, he tells me he only has a few days to live at most, that his cancer is very very advanced, that nothing can be done, they can try to keep him stabalized and alive until i get there. he passed the phone back to my dad, and he said "did you hear that? did you understand all that? don't cry, don't panic, just come here as soon as possible" i said i would
i panicked and freaked out, it was so expensive to fly out last minute, so close to christmas, i couldn't afford it, so my mom paid for the flight.
i ended up canceling the flight because i had gone to use matt's phone to call my mom because mine had died, when i open his phone i see texts from his old herione buddy, asking if he wanted to get some, and matt not outright telling him no. i freaked out, and didn't want to leave matt alone fearing he'd relapse, if he relapsed my world would shatter, so i didn't go.
when my dad found out what i had done, he initiated a skype video call with the help of my step-sister, he said look at me, i'm fine, i'm up and walking, i'm dancing, there's nothing to be scared of, i'm gonna beat this, i'm strong.
i regretted not getting on that plane when i should have..
my aunt paid for my flight over there, and i got on the plane that time.
when i got to the hospital there was a nonstop flow of friends and family to see my dad, it was so nice to see how much he was loved by so so many people.
i never got a chance to speak to the doctors, only the nurses, who said that they were going to start chemo afterall
the night he started chemo he asked me please spend the night at the hospital because he was scared.
he did chemo for a few days and didn't appear to have any side effects
one of the nights he had his little netbook playing internet radio, and it was playing random lil wayne, juicy j, hip hop music, he was singing that pitbull song, saying he was moving on to the current music and was getting cool like everyone else
he was still able to get up and dance around.
since i had arrived there i noticed he had a purple wristband that said DNR on it, i googled it, and found out what it meant, it was a do not resuscitate order, i asked him about it, and he told me signed the papers for it when he found out that i hadn't gotten on the plane, he was sad and depressed.
i grabbed some scissors and cut it off, and told him he didn't need that, that he was going to live, no matter what he was going to beat this. i went to talk to the nurse to tell them that they needed to reverse the DNR order.
that night we talked and hashed out everything that had happened in the past, why i never answered him all these years, all the issues we had were fixed, and all fell back on my stepmom being the most evil person who always just hated me so much.
me and my dad fixed everything between us, and i could fully love him again.
after a week i came back to california. i stayed in touch with my dad talking to him every day, he would tell me about how much he hated the social worker, because she didn't understand that he didn't have any money, and that they wanted to send him home. i tried setting him up an account with medicaid or medicare, i got his information, but needed his hospital bill total, as well as information from my stepmom. he told me was having surgery to get a feeding tube inserted in his stomach, and then afterwards he was being released to go home, and that he had chemo in two weeks he had to come back for.
naturally when my stepmom is around my dad wouldn't talk to me much, i called when he was on the road back home, i said i needed some info from thelma, and he said he'd call me later. i sorta of got upset that he didn't want to talk to me just because my stepmom was there, especially since i was trying to help him do something his own wife wasn't doing, which was setting up the medicaid thing, so i didn't call back, i just waited for him to call me. he didn't for a few days, i found out later through my aunt that she had found out that those first days of him being back home he had been spotted driving around and that for a fact he had gone out and done a DJ gig..
i finally call a few days later and i can't understand him, like his words weren't making sense, he passes the phone to my stepmom who tells me that he's fine, they're just watching tv, i don't know what to tell her, so i just hang up, confused, thinking maybe it was the phone reception, or something..
then a few days pass and i find out from my aunt that my dad is back in the hospital, he can no longer talk, and when he does it's barely understandable. he was starting to have kidney failure, but they couldn't put him on dialysis because was too sick. that his bloodwork was coming back as really bad. my aunt tells me to call him, even though he can't speak, he can still hear me and that i could tell him anything i wanted. i was so incredibly scared, so scared to have him answer and hear that silence and know for a fact that he was no longer able to fully talk. i called and i talked, i told him that i loved him, that i hoped he'd get better soon, that everything was going to be ok, because he was a strong person. i talked and talked until i said i'd call him back later.
he stopped answering all calls, from then on, but my aunt said he'd still see who it was, i asked her to read him something i texted her, saying how much i loved him and how important he was, that i wished i was there, and was going to try to get there soon. my aunt said he was getting really bad, he had lost so much weight and looked so much worse than when i had visited him, she said he wasn't letting the nurses feed him through his feeding tube, and wasn't letting them take blood from him anymore, she said that there was going to be no more chemo, the cancer was too advanced at this point.
my stepmom called me, saying that i needed to help decide, that i needed to choose whether to put him on life support or not, it was the hardest choice of my life, i chose not to put him on life support, because i didn't want my dad tortured anymore, poked and prodded when i knew he hated that so, he was going to pass no matter what i wanted, no matter what the doctors did, nothing could be fixed anymore.
and so my stepmom put him in a nursing home because the hospice was full, after a few days he passed away jan -29
i regret not being there when he got worse so much more than i can explain, but i honestly could not afford to fly there, my stepmom could have flown me, but she's always hated me so much..
one of my other aunts and grandma put the money together to fly me down for the funeral.
the drama that ensued at the funeral home and cemetary is more than i care to re-live so i'll refrain from writing it, what matters is that i fought for what my dad wanted as his last resting place, and i lost, but i tried so hard, and that's the important thing.
every day is harder it seems, time isn't making his absence easier.
i wish things had been different, i wish i had never cut him out of my life all these past years, i wish i had learned to forget the past and move on in our relationship, but alas, it is what is it.
i'm just glad that we fixed things in the end.
while all this was happening i kept getting fleeting wishes that i had been something different, that i had perhaps become a military lawyer, the way i had dreamed about when i was a little girl, stayed in college and finish my psychology degree, i wished i was something my dad could be proud of, wished i was someone famous, just anything, other than what i really was.
at the funeral every single person told me that my dad would always talk about me, always always, saying how proud of me he was, so proud because i lived in california and had made it all by myself, he would tell everyone.
and i realized i didn't need to be a lawyer, or a psychologist to be something my dad could be proud of, all he wanted was for me to earn a good living and do something greater with my life than he had done with his.
i don't know how to handle it, i cant wrap my mind around it, it doesn't seem like something that actually happened, i keep expecting my phone to ring and have it be him.
i still torture myself, re-playing the many many many voicemails i have from him.
i haven't had the chance to be alone since it happened, i suppose that's my fault on purpose.
i've thrown myself into working all day everyday, no days off, and i guess i'm just avoiding reality and hiding behind really shiny body jewelry.
my dad was the strongest person i knew, the happiest, always smiling, talking about his favorite music, he was retired from the army and his hobby was DJ'ing, he would DJ parties all the time, he was always booked for a gig everytime he called, he played tejano music, norteno, type stuff, his passion.
he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in november, but was in denial, all he told me he had was an ulcer, so i didn't think much of it.
mid december rolls around and he calls, saying he had gone back to the hospital, ulcer this and that, and he casually mentions cancer, i didn't take him seriously because i had a habit of not answering my phone a lot and i figured maybe he was just saying that so i would answer more often, or else he wouldn't have said cancer so nonchalantly. he asks me to please answer his phone calls from now on, i say of course, of course i will
i offer to go visit, he declines, saying no no, it's nothing.
i call around my family, and my aunt tells me it's true, that he does have cancer, that he's known since november, but didn't tell anyone, was in deep deep denial, and actually was going to work like nothing happened, and that he had collapased at work and that's how he ended up at the hospital again.
my dad calls and updates me with things, saying the doctors have everything under control.
then maybe the next day i get call from him, he passes the phone to his doctor, he tells me he only has a few days to live at most, that his cancer is very very advanced, that nothing can be done, they can try to keep him stabalized and alive until i get there. he passed the phone back to my dad, and he said "did you hear that? did you understand all that? don't cry, don't panic, just come here as soon as possible" i said i would
i panicked and freaked out, it was so expensive to fly out last minute, so close to christmas, i couldn't afford it, so my mom paid for the flight.
i ended up canceling the flight because i had gone to use matt's phone to call my mom because mine had died, when i open his phone i see texts from his old herione buddy, asking if he wanted to get some, and matt not outright telling him no. i freaked out, and didn't want to leave matt alone fearing he'd relapse, if he relapsed my world would shatter, so i didn't go.
when my dad found out what i had done, he initiated a skype video call with the help of my step-sister, he said look at me, i'm fine, i'm up and walking, i'm dancing, there's nothing to be scared of, i'm gonna beat this, i'm strong.
i regretted not getting on that plane when i should have..
my aunt paid for my flight over there, and i got on the plane that time.
when i got to the hospital there was a nonstop flow of friends and family to see my dad, it was so nice to see how much he was loved by so so many people.
i never got a chance to speak to the doctors, only the nurses, who said that they were going to start chemo afterall
the night he started chemo he asked me please spend the night at the hospital because he was scared.
he did chemo for a few days and didn't appear to have any side effects
one of the nights he had his little netbook playing internet radio, and it was playing random lil wayne, juicy j, hip hop music, he was singing that pitbull song, saying he was moving on to the current music and was getting cool like everyone else
he was still able to get up and dance around.
since i had arrived there i noticed he had a purple wristband that said DNR on it, i googled it, and found out what it meant, it was a do not resuscitate order, i asked him about it, and he told me signed the papers for it when he found out that i hadn't gotten on the plane, he was sad and depressed.
i grabbed some scissors and cut it off, and told him he didn't need that, that he was going to live, no matter what he was going to beat this. i went to talk to the nurse to tell them that they needed to reverse the DNR order.
that night we talked and hashed out everything that had happened in the past, why i never answered him all these years, all the issues we had were fixed, and all fell back on my stepmom being the most evil person who always just hated me so much.
me and my dad fixed everything between us, and i could fully love him again.
after a week i came back to california. i stayed in touch with my dad talking to him every day, he would tell me about how much he hated the social worker, because she didn't understand that he didn't have any money, and that they wanted to send him home. i tried setting him up an account with medicaid or medicare, i got his information, but needed his hospital bill total, as well as information from my stepmom. he told me was having surgery to get a feeding tube inserted in his stomach, and then afterwards he was being released to go home, and that he had chemo in two weeks he had to come back for.
naturally when my stepmom is around my dad wouldn't talk to me much, i called when he was on the road back home, i said i needed some info from thelma, and he said he'd call me later. i sorta of got upset that he didn't want to talk to me just because my stepmom was there, especially since i was trying to help him do something his own wife wasn't doing, which was setting up the medicaid thing, so i didn't call back, i just waited for him to call me. he didn't for a few days, i found out later through my aunt that she had found out that those first days of him being back home he had been spotted driving around and that for a fact he had gone out and done a DJ gig..
i finally call a few days later and i can't understand him, like his words weren't making sense, he passes the phone to my stepmom who tells me that he's fine, they're just watching tv, i don't know what to tell her, so i just hang up, confused, thinking maybe it was the phone reception, or something..
then a few days pass and i find out from my aunt that my dad is back in the hospital, he can no longer talk, and when he does it's barely understandable. he was starting to have kidney failure, but they couldn't put him on dialysis because was too sick. that his bloodwork was coming back as really bad. my aunt tells me to call him, even though he can't speak, he can still hear me and that i could tell him anything i wanted. i was so incredibly scared, so scared to have him answer and hear that silence and know for a fact that he was no longer able to fully talk. i called and i talked, i told him that i loved him, that i hoped he'd get better soon, that everything was going to be ok, because he was a strong person. i talked and talked until i said i'd call him back later.
he stopped answering all calls, from then on, but my aunt said he'd still see who it was, i asked her to read him something i texted her, saying how much i loved him and how important he was, that i wished i was there, and was going to try to get there soon. my aunt said he was getting really bad, he had lost so much weight and looked so much worse than when i had visited him, she said he wasn't letting the nurses feed him through his feeding tube, and wasn't letting them take blood from him anymore, she said that there was going to be no more chemo, the cancer was too advanced at this point.
my stepmom called me, saying that i needed to help decide, that i needed to choose whether to put him on life support or not, it was the hardest choice of my life, i chose not to put him on life support, because i didn't want my dad tortured anymore, poked and prodded when i knew he hated that so, he was going to pass no matter what i wanted, no matter what the doctors did, nothing could be fixed anymore.
and so my stepmom put him in a nursing home because the hospice was full, after a few days he passed away jan -29
i regret not being there when he got worse so much more than i can explain, but i honestly could not afford to fly there, my stepmom could have flown me, but she's always hated me so much..
one of my other aunts and grandma put the money together to fly me down for the funeral.
the drama that ensued at the funeral home and cemetary is more than i care to re-live so i'll refrain from writing it, what matters is that i fought for what my dad wanted as his last resting place, and i lost, but i tried so hard, and that's the important thing.
every day is harder it seems, time isn't making his absence easier.
i wish things had been different, i wish i had never cut him out of my life all these past years, i wish i had learned to forget the past and move on in our relationship, but alas, it is what is it.
i'm just glad that we fixed things in the end.
while all this was happening i kept getting fleeting wishes that i had been something different, that i had perhaps become a military lawyer, the way i had dreamed about when i was a little girl, stayed in college and finish my psychology degree, i wished i was something my dad could be proud of, wished i was someone famous, just anything, other than what i really was.
at the funeral every single person told me that my dad would always talk about me, always always, saying how proud of me he was, so proud because i lived in california and had made it all by myself, he would tell everyone.
and i realized i didn't need to be a lawyer, or a psychologist to be something my dad could be proud of, all he wanted was for me to earn a good living and do something greater with my life than he had done with his.