These are the last two nights I spend here
As much as my parents have tried to assure me that this is no big deal I still feel like a complete failure. My goal has always been to stay away from Orange County. Ever since I decided to leave I knew I had to stay gone. It's a rotten area and it made me miserable the entire time I lived there.
Now I have to go back for an undetermined amount of time. The good news is I'm hired with Bobby and Robby for their studio in Orange County. I don't believe they'll be able to pay me, but I know they would if they could. I mean I really do. And it's nice to have that kind of trust for my employers. I didn't have that before. As much as I wanted to believe it, it just wasn't there. But I've talked to my parents and they don't think it's that big of a deal as long as I'm getting experience that I really need and not needing to pay rent. In the meantime I'm looking into other places. I'm not sure how much I want to rush back to LA. I heard of a place in San Diego, and that's what I'm thinking about the most.
Still I would give anything for a job with Universal.
My only real requirement is I don't want a permanent job in Orange County. I don't want to set myself up to need a new apartment and get all settled in just to live and work in Orange County. I'm so done with the place it's not even funny. I'm not completely sad about coming back. I need my wisdom teeth out and I haven't been to any doctors for any reason in well over a year. Plus I can hang out with Melissa a lot more often. The problem is the people besides her that I would've trusted to make any time for me are all gone. And even so I'm sort of glad they are because it motivates me to move on.
I do believe that no matter what Melissa and I will always be friends, even if it's just over IMs and the occassional phone call. And it's the same with a lot of people. But at the same time I can't rule my life by who I know and what I'm comfortable with. And to be honest Orange County is not comfortable, but it's also not home. It's nice to come back to family, but I also want to grow up. I want to pay my own rent and worry about myself without someone breathing down my neck about needing to make more cuz they can't afford me anymore.
No matter what I do I'm the most scared of making friends. I know how to do my job, especially if Bobby and Robby let me do sound and don't try to repeatedly teach me video editing. I don't mind learning it a little, but that's not my passion. It's not what I was trained to do. I've already wasted so many months not able to utilize my skills, and I'm so pissed off about that. I just want to do some real audio already.
So of course in the meantime while I'm de-rustifying myself I want to find a new job. Honestly I'd rather wait till November. I know it's still September, but only for another week and I plan on spending most of October taking care of doctor visits and needing to be on a flexible schedule. My parents want me to practice driving. I keep insisting I learn to ride a Moped and just get a nice cheap one to drive around because that feels better for me. I hate cars. The more I'm driving one, the worse I feel. But again my parents try to use the practical argument on me. Apparently phobias don't factor in when you're talking about practical. But oh well I guess.
We all know the second I'm able to I'm just going to buy a moped myself. Let's be honest here.
Actually Robby said if he finds one he might buy it for me. Everyone in the studio is always on my case about getting a car. That pissed me off cuz it's actually mostly their fault I can't get one.
I don't get paid, I can't pay rent. Parents can't afford my rent either. There's not exactly a ton of money lying around to buy a car, pay for insurance, pay for gas money, I mean what kind of fucktards have I been working for?
And it's not about getting a nice car. I don't want a nice car. I want one that runs but looks maybe ok. Not greatly ugly because that draws attention to it, but ok enough. And enough that I won't be upset if I ding it. I hate nice cars. I think it's just a wonderful way to express how self-righteous and superficial you are to go out and buy a really nice car which is clearly just meant to be a status symbol. In fact I hate that most about cars. They're a necessity. They shouldn't be used as trophies. It's like if you buy a fan in the summer. Doesn't matter how great the thing looks, if it gets the job done then all's well. May as well buy a cheap one that really just isn't UGLY.
Honestly, unless I'm able to get an interview with Universal the place I'm most interested in is in San Diego. I don't know if they're hiring, (they had a commercial to find clients for the Orange County studio so my dad looked the place up all giddy that I could just work in Orange County) but if they are I'm there.
I don't get my parents' deal about me working in Orange County. Any job I take in Orange County would strictly be with the idea of finding a job anywhere else so I could quit. It could be the best job in the world and I'd still look to move. I don't know why they don't want to understand this. I'd rather stick with Bobby and Robby for the time being because I actually know them and have something of a business relationship with them already. I will not look to apply for ANY job in Orange County. In fact if my dad tries to show me any leads and I see that's where they are, I'll say I sent my resume in and just won't. I'll just let them think I didn't get a call back.
They're seriously ridiculous. They both admit they want me to be able to move out soon, because that's really where I am right now in my life. I'm at the place where I should be moving out of my parents' house. And yet they want me to work in Orange County? Dumb. That means needing to find an apartment locally, AND THOSE ARE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IN LA!
Dumb. And again, DUMB.
See all that would add up to me STILL living with them. Which I'd rather eat my own foot than have to do. I want to live by myself away from my parents. That's the only way I'm going to get any kind of freedom or chance at becoming independant. Plus I LIKE LIVING ALONE. I love it in fact. Yes I get lonely, but do we honestly think I'd be lonely if I had friends in the area? I could go out, spend time socializing (when I'm not working of course) then come home and only have my cat to answer to. I like that. No 'how was your day' or 'did you go into work?' or any of that. I answer to no one but me. And no one has any reason to give me a hard time.
Not to mention I know I only have so much opportunity to avoid living in a place that's too cityish for me and still avoid a rotten bedroom community. I don't dislike LA, but maybe I'd like something else better. Most work is in LA. I'm not really likely to find work anywhere else. Besides maybe New York, but that's too far away. I've thought about it and I'm not really willing to leave California.
Independence aside, I don't want to leave my family.
So if I could find a steady paying job in an area not too far away from respective family members since we're all a bit scattered, I'd probably take it. Actually I know I would. If the pay was livable, I had some kind of benefits (dad wants to help me make sure of that cuz I can't stay on his health plan and not to mention I need it) and the area was commutable from a nice apartment (and by nice I mean safe, clean and affordable) I'd accept the offer in a heart beat.
To be honest I'm not sure people are supposed to really love where they live. I mean if you don't violently hate the area and you can be happy in spite of it, then I think it's fine. That's what it is about Orange County. I was consistantly miserable. Nothing fixed it. Nothing.
And LA's not too much better, accept I'll have the ability to do what I love professionally.
The problem with LA is I really can't make good friends here. Not ones I'd feel safe with.
Who knows. Maybe it'll all work itself out in the end.
Now I have to go back for an undetermined amount of time. The good news is I'm hired with Bobby and Robby for their studio in Orange County. I don't believe they'll be able to pay me, but I know they would if they could. I mean I really do. And it's nice to have that kind of trust for my employers. I didn't have that before. As much as I wanted to believe it, it just wasn't there. But I've talked to my parents and they don't think it's that big of a deal as long as I'm getting experience that I really need and not needing to pay rent. In the meantime I'm looking into other places. I'm not sure how much I want to rush back to LA. I heard of a place in San Diego, and that's what I'm thinking about the most.
Still I would give anything for a job with Universal.
My only real requirement is I don't want a permanent job in Orange County. I don't want to set myself up to need a new apartment and get all settled in just to live and work in Orange County. I'm so done with the place it's not even funny. I'm not completely sad about coming back. I need my wisdom teeth out and I haven't been to any doctors for any reason in well over a year. Plus I can hang out with Melissa a lot more often. The problem is the people besides her that I would've trusted to make any time for me are all gone. And even so I'm sort of glad they are because it motivates me to move on.
I do believe that no matter what Melissa and I will always be friends, even if it's just over IMs and the occassional phone call. And it's the same with a lot of people. But at the same time I can't rule my life by who I know and what I'm comfortable with. And to be honest Orange County is not comfortable, but it's also not home. It's nice to come back to family, but I also want to grow up. I want to pay my own rent and worry about myself without someone breathing down my neck about needing to make more cuz they can't afford me anymore.
No matter what I do I'm the most scared of making friends. I know how to do my job, especially if Bobby and Robby let me do sound and don't try to repeatedly teach me video editing. I don't mind learning it a little, but that's not my passion. It's not what I was trained to do. I've already wasted so many months not able to utilize my skills, and I'm so pissed off about that. I just want to do some real audio already.
So of course in the meantime while I'm de-rustifying myself I want to find a new job. Honestly I'd rather wait till November. I know it's still September, but only for another week and I plan on spending most of October taking care of doctor visits and needing to be on a flexible schedule. My parents want me to practice driving. I keep insisting I learn to ride a Moped and just get a nice cheap one to drive around because that feels better for me. I hate cars. The more I'm driving one, the worse I feel. But again my parents try to use the practical argument on me. Apparently phobias don't factor in when you're talking about practical. But oh well I guess.
We all know the second I'm able to I'm just going to buy a moped myself. Let's be honest here.
Actually Robby said if he finds one he might buy it for me. Everyone in the studio is always on my case about getting a car. That pissed me off cuz it's actually mostly their fault I can't get one.
I don't get paid, I can't pay rent. Parents can't afford my rent either. There's not exactly a ton of money lying around to buy a car, pay for insurance, pay for gas money, I mean what kind of fucktards have I been working for?
And it's not about getting a nice car. I don't want a nice car. I want one that runs but looks maybe ok. Not greatly ugly because that draws attention to it, but ok enough. And enough that I won't be upset if I ding it. I hate nice cars. I think it's just a wonderful way to express how self-righteous and superficial you are to go out and buy a really nice car which is clearly just meant to be a status symbol. In fact I hate that most about cars. They're a necessity. They shouldn't be used as trophies. It's like if you buy a fan in the summer. Doesn't matter how great the thing looks, if it gets the job done then all's well. May as well buy a cheap one that really just isn't UGLY.
Honestly, unless I'm able to get an interview with Universal the place I'm most interested in is in San Diego. I don't know if they're hiring, (they had a commercial to find clients for the Orange County studio so my dad looked the place up all giddy that I could just work in Orange County) but if they are I'm there.
I don't get my parents' deal about me working in Orange County. Any job I take in Orange County would strictly be with the idea of finding a job anywhere else so I could quit. It could be the best job in the world and I'd still look to move. I don't know why they don't want to understand this. I'd rather stick with Bobby and Robby for the time being because I actually know them and have something of a business relationship with them already. I will not look to apply for ANY job in Orange County. In fact if my dad tries to show me any leads and I see that's where they are, I'll say I sent my resume in and just won't. I'll just let them think I didn't get a call back.
They're seriously ridiculous. They both admit they want me to be able to move out soon, because that's really where I am right now in my life. I'm at the place where I should be moving out of my parents' house. And yet they want me to work in Orange County? Dumb. That means needing to find an apartment locally, AND THOSE ARE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IN LA!
Dumb. And again, DUMB.
See all that would add up to me STILL living with them. Which I'd rather eat my own foot than have to do. I want to live by myself away from my parents. That's the only way I'm going to get any kind of freedom or chance at becoming independant. Plus I LIKE LIVING ALONE. I love it in fact. Yes I get lonely, but do we honestly think I'd be lonely if I had friends in the area? I could go out, spend time socializing (when I'm not working of course) then come home and only have my cat to answer to. I like that. No 'how was your day' or 'did you go into work?' or any of that. I answer to no one but me. And no one has any reason to give me a hard time.
Not to mention I know I only have so much opportunity to avoid living in a place that's too cityish for me and still avoid a rotten bedroom community. I don't dislike LA, but maybe I'd like something else better. Most work is in LA. I'm not really likely to find work anywhere else. Besides maybe New York, but that's too far away. I've thought about it and I'm not really willing to leave California.
Independence aside, I don't want to leave my family.
So if I could find a steady paying job in an area not too far away from respective family members since we're all a bit scattered, I'd probably take it. Actually I know I would. If the pay was livable, I had some kind of benefits (dad wants to help me make sure of that cuz I can't stay on his health plan and not to mention I need it) and the area was commutable from a nice apartment (and by nice I mean safe, clean and affordable) I'd accept the offer in a heart beat.
To be honest I'm not sure people are supposed to really love where they live. I mean if you don't violently hate the area and you can be happy in spite of it, then I think it's fine. That's what it is about Orange County. I was consistantly miserable. Nothing fixed it. Nothing.
And LA's not too much better, accept I'll have the ability to do what I love professionally.
The problem with LA is I really can't make good friends here. Not ones I'd feel safe with.
Who knows. Maybe it'll all work itself out in the end.