(no subject)
It has been long again. Over a year this time.
things have been better. I have been really struggling with life in general. Evan and I have been struggling with things as well and its all eating me up inside. I know things need to change but I feel so helpless. Im so isolated and cant see a way out yet. I love him with all my being but sometimes I feel like thats not enough if Im being hurt and being miserable all the time. There should be a better balance and right now there is not. I have been considering moving out and things like that. I am tired of not being in control of anything in my life. I am so tired of the hurt and stress. Evan doesn't seem to understand at all. He has no empathy for my situation. He also has such a habbit of denying and avoiding things that I think he just doesn't see things anymore. It really hurts to be in a relationship where you feel like your thoughts and feelings are of little importance. He truely believes that I am number one, but his actions dont seem to fit that.
Today we had a fight about haying the field this year or not and he made some comment about the fact he told the landlord he would do it (without talking to me at all) and how if he didnt do it he would breaking his commitment. He said "My word is my bond" and I told him to go fuck himself and after a few more words I hung up on him. It hurts me to think that he believes this about himself. He has lied to me and hurt me so many times over the years and doesn't see the irony. He cares more about breaking a commitment he made to the landlord than promises he made to me? That fucking hurts.
Every issue we have can be broken down to having too big of a too do list, Me feeling isolated and helpless, life flying by me, and Evan avoiding responcibilities.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I am so tired of feeling alone and hopeless.
things have been better. I have been really struggling with life in general. Evan and I have been struggling with things as well and its all eating me up inside. I know things need to change but I feel so helpless. Im so isolated and cant see a way out yet. I love him with all my being but sometimes I feel like thats not enough if Im being hurt and being miserable all the time. There should be a better balance and right now there is not. I have been considering moving out and things like that. I am tired of not being in control of anything in my life. I am so tired of the hurt and stress. Evan doesn't seem to understand at all. He has no empathy for my situation. He also has such a habbit of denying and avoiding things that I think he just doesn't see things anymore. It really hurts to be in a relationship where you feel like your thoughts and feelings are of little importance. He truely believes that I am number one, but his actions dont seem to fit that.
Today we had a fight about haying the field this year or not and he made some comment about the fact he told the landlord he would do it (without talking to me at all) and how if he didnt do it he would breaking his commitment. He said "My word is my bond" and I told him to go fuck himself and after a few more words I hung up on him. It hurts me to think that he believes this about himself. He has lied to me and hurt me so many times over the years and doesn't see the irony. He cares more about breaking a commitment he made to the landlord than promises he made to me? That fucking hurts.
Every issue we have can be broken down to having too big of a too do list, Me feeling isolated and helpless, life flying by me, and Evan avoiding responcibilities.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I am so tired of feeling alone and hopeless.