(no subject)
I've been listening to a lot of Marilyn Manson the last bit and it hit me hard tonight, the feeling I have been having for a while now. I miss being a teen. I miss feeling genuine angst. I feel like somewhere along my journey to adulthood, I lost who I am. I'm not sure how it happened. I think it all happened so slowly that I didnt realize until now, when it is completely missing. I miss creating art like I used to. I cant seem to do it anymore. I feel blocked. Now all I do is create things with patterns. Crochet, cross stitch, etc.. they all follow something. I dont create from a deep place anymore. I use creating as an outlet, but more as a distraction now. Busy work. Its not expressive anymore. Not in the same way it used to be. I'm not sure how to get it back or if I can.
I know a small part of me also misses being shocking. I catch myself thinking about how to make people uncomfortable. An example would be like... being loud and proud about how much I still like Marilyn Manson to Evans religious family members. I feel like I dont know who I am around them. I thought I did but the more I look at it, I realize I dont even know that person anymore. I feel like I have become such a mild version of all the things I used to be, and some things are so mild that they are barely there anymore.
I dont want to go back to being goth or something like that but I need to rediscover what was behind that. I find myself realizing that the boring normal sex I got comfortable with isnt all that I want. I have been discovering a side of me I never got to discover, yet was always there I think. I love pain and being taken control of on a level I never expolored. I want to be hurt, taken advantage of and abused. I want to do dirty. shameful and terrible things. Somedays I just want Evan to hit me when Im being stupid. Of course this sort of thing comes with trust and wouldnt be just something for any partner, but I want things to go farther than they ever have. I want to be controlled. I feel like these things will force feelings in me. Things I need to feel to truely feel alive.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to put this out there. I have some things to think about. How can I find myself again without loosing too much of the person everyone knows now.
I know a small part of me also misses being shocking. I catch myself thinking about how to make people uncomfortable. An example would be like... being loud and proud about how much I still like Marilyn Manson to Evans religious family members. I feel like I dont know who I am around them. I thought I did but the more I look at it, I realize I dont even know that person anymore. I feel like I have become such a mild version of all the things I used to be, and some things are so mild that they are barely there anymore.
I dont want to go back to being goth or something like that but I need to rediscover what was behind that. I find myself realizing that the boring normal sex I got comfortable with isnt all that I want. I have been discovering a side of me I never got to discover, yet was always there I think. I love pain and being taken control of on a level I never expolored. I want to be hurt, taken advantage of and abused. I want to do dirty. shameful and terrible things. Somedays I just want Evan to hit me when Im being stupid. Of course this sort of thing comes with trust and wouldnt be just something for any partner, but I want things to go farther than they ever have. I want to be controlled. I feel like these things will force feelings in me. Things I need to feel to truely feel alive.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to put this out there. I have some things to think about. How can I find myself again without loosing too much of the person everyone knows now.