New beginnings
I won’t make this private; I’m hoping someone, anyone, will read this. At the same time, I won’t advertise it, because I don’t want anyone to read it.
I think it’s time to tell my story, though I have no idea where to start. The abuse? The mistreatment? The disrespect? I mean, how do you know where to go, when everything is fraught with trauma?
The truth is, my life starts now. Now, that I am away from the oppression I lived under for 35 years. It’s so strange to think that the evil beings no longer have any hold on me. It’s still hard to grasp that the other shoe isn’t about to drop, and that disaster and abuse isn’t right around the corner.
As brilliant as this all sounds, I’m honestly not coping with it well. My mind is confused about how to react, my heart is exhausted, and my body is uncooperative. So, all the unpacking I should be doing to start my new life; it’s just not happening.
That’s not helping, either. I’m stuck in this contradiction where I can’t clean and unpack because of my mental state, and my mental state can’t get better because I can’t clean and unpack. I’m not embarrassed by how it looks, because I know that it’s transitioning. Everyone is able to accept that these things take time, and that I am recovering from years of abuse and trauma.
Everyone, but me. I’m very disappointed in myself. I should be doing more, and I can’t. I’ve always been able to push through and get things done, regardless of all the ambiance around me, but now that everything is quiet, my mind doesn’t know what to do with its self.
I wake up in the middle of the night, terrified. I have no idea where I am. I can basically see the old place, and hear the screaming from downstairs. But, it’s not there. It’s just residual.
I don’t believe in ghosts, but in this case, the ghosts are real. “There’s no such thing as haunted houses, only haunted people.”
I’ll get through this, I just have to remind myself to not come down on myself so hard, and let it happen, organically. I just have to unpack mentally, before the physical unpacking happens.
I just have to remember that this was never going to be easy, but that it will get better, and I just need to let myself relax and enjoy it.