(no subject)
A note of explanation as well:
I'm not sure why I was in such a bad mood yesterday, so I don't really have a great explanation for the sudden post last night. I'm sort of caught in limbo, about the same way I imagine engagement feels. I don't have any doubts about where I'll be and what I'll be doing in three months time (I'll be in Philadelphia attending Temple law school and I'll be studying every single day until I stop ______). Other than find housing in the city somewhere and make sure I pay my bills on time, there's nothing else I need to do to make that plan a reality.
But now I have four months where I need to make due in San Diego. It doesn't sound long, but it feels a little bit to me like the longest vacation of all time. I find I'm more burned out of pure human spirit when I am done with these sorts of things than when I start. I need vacation from vacation. I need to be productive, but the idea of productivity is to plan ahead to accomplish some goal. Whether that's to build a relationship, my savings through getting a job and working, or whatever other thing, any goal loftier than mowing the lawn or drawing a picture requires a sense that I would be able to follow through with it. I want to be close to people but I don't want to miss them when I'm gone. I've got a part time job but it won't pay my way through school (or even a week of it). It's too hot to sleep in. I've got hobbies but I lose focus and interest so fast.
So I'm tired of trying, which I guess means my life seems pretty meaningless right this moment, and trying to add something to it keeps failing.
I'm not sure why I was in such a bad mood yesterday, so I don't really have a great explanation for the sudden post last night. I'm sort of caught in limbo, about the same way I imagine engagement feels. I don't have any doubts about where I'll be and what I'll be doing in three months time (I'll be in Philadelphia attending Temple law school and I'll be studying every single day until I stop ______). Other than find housing in the city somewhere and make sure I pay my bills on time, there's nothing else I need to do to make that plan a reality.
But now I have four months where I need to make due in San Diego. It doesn't sound long, but it feels a little bit to me like the longest vacation of all time. I find I'm more burned out of pure human spirit when I am done with these sorts of things than when I start. I need vacation from vacation. I need to be productive, but the idea of productivity is to plan ahead to accomplish some goal. Whether that's to build a relationship, my savings through getting a job and working, or whatever other thing, any goal loftier than mowing the lawn or drawing a picture requires a sense that I would be able to follow through with it. I want to be close to people but I don't want to miss them when I'm gone. I've got a part time job but it won't pay my way through school (or even a week of it). It's too hot to sleep in. I've got hobbies but I lose focus and interest so fast.
So I'm tired of trying, which I guess means my life seems pretty meaningless right this moment, and trying to add something to it keeps failing.