these days. = P
So I don't even remember the last time I wrote on this thing. MySpace and Facebook have kind of taken over, obviously. But since it's almost one in the morn, and nobody is really online to talk to at such a late hour, I remembered I had one of these. So here goes nothing...
I hate to write all this, but it needs to be said and out of me before i totally breakdown. So it's been about a month since i have moved here to wonderful SVSU. I was fortunate enough to get my own room in an apartment style dorm in the newest living center, Living Center South. Along with this single room comes a living room, a kitchen, 2 full bathroom, and 4 other bedrooms...another single and three doubles. So for those of you not wanting to do the math on that, that's 8 girls all in one apartment. Not so fun; not for me at least. I have grown up with just my mother and me in a double wide home. Being thrown into a small environment with 7 other girls completely unalike from me, with the exception of Miller, has not been the easiest situation. They can be bitchy, clean freaks, and can very easily exclude moi from many situations. I have learned in the past month to just keep to myself and my own world, so as to avoid confrontation and anger on my part. Supposably this does not fly very well with 7 other girls. They claim i am "anti-social" and hate them. I do not hate them per say, I just have nothing in common with any of them really. I don't drink, I don't have sex every chance i get, and I certainly don't party or act like them at all. Don't get me wrong, I guess they're not that horrible, they are just not my type.
And then there's the boyfriend, Mike. He's conveniently just upstairs and down the hall. So basically every free chance I get I'm going up there to hang out. I've noticed this has pushed me away from meeting new people, and possibly chillin with the roomies. Dont' get me wrong, I love spending time with him, of course. = ) I was most certainly ok with this for a while, but lately I've started to notice how much I've screwed up. This is most certainly not how I had pictured my college life, or life in general, at all. I pictured myself going to college, meeting new people, and having the time of my life. Granted, I have had some pretty fun times in the past month here, but I've also had some bad times. I've had a few breakdowns, telling myself I can't do this anymore, I can't live on my own, and I'm bound to fail. I procrastinate too much, and I'm beginning to believe I have a slight fear of trying new things or getting involved in a new environment with new people. Yes, I have had to just breakdown and cry at times; just sit here in my room and think. I feel like I try so hard, but accomplish nothing. I find classes boring, except for my Public Speaking class (which is just generally nerve wracking), and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I know this is common with most college freshman, but c'mon, this is ridiculous. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am in this program called the University Foundation Scholar's Program. I was accepted into the program before school started, and it's basically just all benefits. Three of my classes are paid for, I was guaranteed a place in the living center, and I get 1,000 dollars in my junior or senior year to study abroad, all as long as I maintain a 3.0 GPA. Meeting with my advisor of the program for the first time this past summer, I informed her that my major was undecided. She said this was not a problem until about my sophomore year. Then I had to choose for this program to succeed for me. Soooo...this only adds to the freshman pressure. And I often find myself thinking, "I have no idea what I want to major in? What if I can't decide by then? What happens then?" I have a slight fear of failure I now believe.
So again, as I sit in my room holding back tears this night at now 1:11 in the morn, and listen to my crazy loud roommates have the time of their lives in the living room, I think to myself, "what the hell is wrong with me? This is not the life I had planned?" But then I tell myself everything will be ok; it will all come together in the end. Just keep pushin' through to the next day, taking one day at a time.
I hate to write all this, but it needs to be said and out of me before i totally breakdown. So it's been about a month since i have moved here to wonderful SVSU. I was fortunate enough to get my own room in an apartment style dorm in the newest living center, Living Center South. Along with this single room comes a living room, a kitchen, 2 full bathroom, and 4 other bedrooms...another single and three doubles. So for those of you not wanting to do the math on that, that's 8 girls all in one apartment. Not so fun; not for me at least. I have grown up with just my mother and me in a double wide home. Being thrown into a small environment with 7 other girls completely unalike from me, with the exception of Miller, has not been the easiest situation. They can be bitchy, clean freaks, and can very easily exclude moi from many situations. I have learned in the past month to just keep to myself and my own world, so as to avoid confrontation and anger on my part. Supposably this does not fly very well with 7 other girls. They claim i am "anti-social" and hate them. I do not hate them per say, I just have nothing in common with any of them really. I don't drink, I don't have sex every chance i get, and I certainly don't party or act like them at all. Don't get me wrong, I guess they're not that horrible, they are just not my type.
And then there's the boyfriend, Mike. He's conveniently just upstairs and down the hall. So basically every free chance I get I'm going up there to hang out. I've noticed this has pushed me away from meeting new people, and possibly chillin with the roomies. Dont' get me wrong, I love spending time with him, of course. = ) I was most certainly ok with this for a while, but lately I've started to notice how much I've screwed up. This is most certainly not how I had pictured my college life, or life in general, at all. I pictured myself going to college, meeting new people, and having the time of my life. Granted, I have had some pretty fun times in the past month here, but I've also had some bad times. I've had a few breakdowns, telling myself I can't do this anymore, I can't live on my own, and I'm bound to fail. I procrastinate too much, and I'm beginning to believe I have a slight fear of trying new things or getting involved in a new environment with new people. Yes, I have had to just breakdown and cry at times; just sit here in my room and think. I feel like I try so hard, but accomplish nothing. I find classes boring, except for my Public Speaking class (which is just generally nerve wracking), and I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I know this is common with most college freshman, but c'mon, this is ridiculous. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am in this program called the University Foundation Scholar's Program. I was accepted into the program before school started, and it's basically just all benefits. Three of my classes are paid for, I was guaranteed a place in the living center, and I get 1,000 dollars in my junior or senior year to study abroad, all as long as I maintain a 3.0 GPA. Meeting with my advisor of the program for the first time this past summer, I informed her that my major was undecided. She said this was not a problem until about my sophomore year. Then I had to choose for this program to succeed for me. Soooo...this only adds to the freshman pressure. And I often find myself thinking, "I have no idea what I want to major in? What if I can't decide by then? What happens then?" I have a slight fear of failure I now believe.
So again, as I sit in my room holding back tears this night at now 1:11 in the morn, and listen to my crazy loud roommates have the time of their lives in the living room, I think to myself, "what the hell is wrong with me? This is not the life I had planned?" But then I tell myself everything will be ok; it will all come together in the end. Just keep pushin' through to the next day, taking one day at a time.