(no subject)
I don't know why livejournal will sometimes attract me more than my paper journal. Perhaps it's the relating to others that can seem so delightful.
I'm about to start a new chapter in my life and have no idea what's going on with me.
I live too much in my head. I analyze EVERYthing and everyone. Everything needs a label, a reason, a background, a beginning. "Why do I feel angry, English?" "Maybe you're feeling angry because you're scared to death of leaving and you don't know how to handle those feelings except through anger." "Why am I crying, English?" "Maybe the tears are from your sadness about yourself, and how you have not become the person you want to be."
"Why do I have to have a reason for every feeling I have, English?"
"I have absolutely no idea, but it's driving me crazy."
I need to leave this place. I feel no sadness towards leaving, except leaving my family and a few select friends. I've become much more of a homebody than I ever was.
I broke into tears at a party on Sunday. I'd had a few to drink, but it was still strange. Ben snapped at me when I turned on a fun, dance-y party song, saying I was fired and blah blah blah just because it wasn't in the "cool" music definition. I'm so sick of being judged for certain things. I'm so sick of people viewing me as something I'm not. Cody later made a comment about something I said that was, in his opinion, me having lose lips. I didn't like that at all, especially coming from someone I already feel very insecure around. Cody is in no way a mean person, and I could tell he felt bad because after I completely shut down and put up my wall, he was making sure I knew it was a joke.
But why did these little comments make me react the way I did? Why does it matter?
Too many contradictions going on in my head.
I can't find the balence between making myself better, or loving myself.
It's either hating myself and wanting to change, or accepting who I am without changing a thing.
I've been taught to do both my whole life, I just can't find the middle ground.
I'm about to start a new chapter in my life and have no idea what's going on with me.
I live too much in my head. I analyze EVERYthing and everyone. Everything needs a label, a reason, a background, a beginning. "Why do I feel angry, English?" "Maybe you're feeling angry because you're scared to death of leaving and you don't know how to handle those feelings except through anger." "Why am I crying, English?" "Maybe the tears are from your sadness about yourself, and how you have not become the person you want to be."
"Why do I have to have a reason for every feeling I have, English?"
"I have absolutely no idea, but it's driving me crazy."
I need to leave this place. I feel no sadness towards leaving, except leaving my family and a few select friends. I've become much more of a homebody than I ever was.
I broke into tears at a party on Sunday. I'd had a few to drink, but it was still strange. Ben snapped at me when I turned on a fun, dance-y party song, saying I was fired and blah blah blah just because it wasn't in the "cool" music definition. I'm so sick of being judged for certain things. I'm so sick of people viewing me as something I'm not. Cody later made a comment about something I said that was, in his opinion, me having lose lips. I didn't like that at all, especially coming from someone I already feel very insecure around. Cody is in no way a mean person, and I could tell he felt bad because after I completely shut down and put up my wall, he was making sure I knew it was a joke.
But why did these little comments make me react the way I did? Why does it matter?
Too many contradictions going on in my head.
I can't find the balence between making myself better, or loving myself.
It's either hating myself and wanting to change, or accepting who I am without changing a thing.
I've been taught to do both my whole life, I just can't find the middle ground.