[Fanfic] Rat Trap omake
Title: Rat Trap Omake
Author/Artist: Sayasama
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Russia/US
Rating: M for sex, though to be fair it's not very sexy sex.
Warnings: Sex, the after-effects of sexual abuse, very likely OOC and very possibly offensive depending on personal experience. Also, un-beta'd like wao.
Summary: With all ties to his former life cut and a stronghold of trust, Alfred feels ready to take the next step with Ivan.
A/n: Holy crumpets, this took way too long to write. Partly because as much as I appreciate sexytimes I can't write it, and partly because it's not exactly easy to put yourself in the shoes of someone who's been sexually abused. Hopefully this came out okay, I'm very nervous..! And really sorry for the wait. orz
Also, feel free to point out typos please, this is probably rife with them.
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“Are you entirely sure of this?”
“I… Yeah, I am.”
Ivan stood in front of Alfred, looking for any hint that the younger man was unsure or feeling pressured. He found nervousness and excitement and trust and love-but nothing of the absolute terror he was worried about. He wasn’t entirely sure of how much of Alfred’s words could be taken at face value and how much of it was just false bravado though, so he resolved himself to be extremely careful every step of the way. Ivan would be so different and gentle and worshipping that Alfred wouldn’t be able to find a reason to fear even if he tried.
Slowly, he took a step toward Alfred, not entirely sure what would be okay. “Tell me what to do,” Ivan insisted, not wanting to make a single wrong move.
Alfred shook his head no. “I don’t want to… to order you around. Just do what seems right?” He said, not entirely sure of himself. In the moment of silence that followed Alfred took one of Ivan’s big hands in his own, placing it at the top of the row of buttons on his shirt. “Though uh, do me a favor and don’t hurt my clothes? It’s a bitch to replace them.”
Recognizing the small attempt at humor for what it was, Ivan gave a short laugh and ever so carefully began to unbutton Alfred’s shirt. At his sides, Alfred’s hands twitched nervously with the urge to stop what they’d started. Ivan was not so oblivious as to miss this.
“Are you okay? You’re fidgeting.”
“Yeah, yeah, just… nervous. There’s a reason I don’t walk around shirtless, you know. It’s… not pretty,” Alfred murmured, moving his nervous hands up to Ivan’s chest to start undressing the older man. His hands needed something to do or they’d stop Ivan and he didn’t want that, he really, really wanted-almost needed-to do this. He was free, and unafraid and in love and he was going to enjoy that in every way possible. He just needed his hands to stop twitching so nervously.
Ivan’s hands moved away from the hem of Alfred’s now undone shirt and rested on his shoulders. “I have seen nothing yet. If you don’t want me to, now is the time to stop me.”
“I’m fine. Just… promise you won’t be disgusted?” Alfred’s eyes were filled with a wavering insecurity, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Ivan responds to that with a light kiss.
“Anything that is a part of you is beautiful.”
Alfred flushed up to his hairline at that. “Ge-geez, keep that up and you’ll embarrass me to death.”
“I mean it,” Ivan said as he slowly eased the material off Alfred’s shoulders and down his arms. With every inch of skin exposed another scar became visible, or so it seemed to Ivan. They varied in size and clearly in cause, some of them looking like old burn marks from the lit ends of cigarettes, others looking like stab wounds, and others still looking like purposefully made incisions. Ivan was in awe of them, of the person who lived with them and through them, and yes it was disturbing to think that someone could ever do such things to someone like Alfred but more than that it was simply amazing and he found himself with a whole new appreciation for the man before him.
Ivan realized the folly of staring for so long when Alfred shifted, bringing his arms up to cross over his chest protectively. “I-I’m sorry, it’s really… ugly, and all. I can, I dunno, get concealer or something? If you want, ah, though it might r-rub off on the-wh-what are you doing?”
“Kissing them better,” Ivan murmured against the burn on his collar bone. It was all Alfred could do to mutter a little “Oh” as Ivan continued to pepper light kisses over his shoulders and chest.
“These are not ugly scars,” Ivan said between kisses. “They are scars that tell of your strength and perseverance.” He wasn’t sure how to express himself further without saying something that sounded wrong, but he needed to show Alfred that these were nothing to be ashamed of. However as he kneeled to move lower and the other’s breath became shaky he worried that perhaps his actions had done more harm than good.
“Is something wrong?” He looked up at Alfred, who had a hand hovering over his mouth as he looked back down at Ivan.
“I-I’m okay but… If you do-don’t stop that I’m gonna just wanna hug you an-and then we won’t get anywhere,” Alfred said through a watery laugh. Ivan placed a light kiss just above his navel, in a place where there was no scar while letting his fingers trail lightly trail down Alfred’s front until they stopped at the waist of his jeans. He paused, gave the American a moment to decide if this was what he really wanted.
“Go on,” Alfred said, his composure seeming to have come together somewhat. “I-it’s okay. I want you to.”
So Ivan did. With a slowness born of both carefulness and relish for the action, Ivan tugged the jeans down Alfred’s legs. There were not so many scars there and Ivan didn’t dwell on them for long, preferring instead to get Alfred to step away from the material pooled at his ankles. His eyes raked up and down the body bared to him, stopping at the last bit of material preserving the younger man’s modesty.
“I half expected your Superman boxers,” the words flew out of Ivan’s mouth before he could think better of it. He was cringing almost before the words had left his mouth. Ivan waited a moment for a reaction, expecting a bit of indignity. Instead, Alfred gave a laughing scoff.
“Thought they might be a bit of a turn-off,” he said jokingly, and the face Ivan was looking up at now was so much more relaxed than it had been just a moment before that he couldn’t help but feel like maybe he hadn’t said the wrong thing after all. Deciding that he’d best get on with it while Alfred was relaxed and happy, Ivan slipped his fingers under the band of Alfred’s briefs and pulled them down and off, placing them on top of the previously discarded pants. Looking back up, Ivan found that Alfred was not exactly hard; but that was fine, he hadn’t been going for erotic anyway. He was much more concentrated on making the other feel safe, though he supposed now would be the time to start working on arousing the other.
“Sit.” The word was less of a request and more of a question. Alfred complied, taking up residence on the edge of the bed with a mix of curiosity and embarrassment on his face. He squirmed a bit under Ivan’s gaze, his modesty demanding he find something to cover up with (as for all that his previous profession would imply otherwise, Alfred was indeed a very modest man) but his mind reminding him that being naked was rather the point at the moment.
“You’re starin’ kinda intently, see anything of interest?” Alfred asked, false bravado doing a poor job of covering up his growing apprehension.
“Only my very beautiful lover,” Ivan replied as he met Alfred’s eyes. The blush that burned across Alfred’s cheeks was too fetching to resist so Ivan leaned forward and kissed each cheek, feeling the heat on his lips. For a few moments they indulged in a string of lazy kisses and exploratory touches. Ivan was awed by the skin that he was finally allowed to touch; Alfred took in the contours of his partner’s body like a curious child, inspecting the places that seemed interesting and tickling him with light touches.
Such attentions were brought to a stop though when Alfred’s hands wandered low down Ivan’s back and he frowned. “I’m naked and you’re not,” he announced with a pouty tone. “Not fair. Get outta those pants.”
Ivan raised an eyebrow and despite himself he felt his lip twitch upward into what could’ve been a smirk, if he weren’t so in control of his expressions. “If you insist.”
Alfred’s face colored again. “I-I don’t mean it like-w-well yeah I do but I just don’t want to be-“ ‘to be the only one open and vulnerable’ went unsaid, but Ivan heard it anyway. So it was that with much less ceremony than before Ivan quickly removed what was left of his clothing. It was his turn to feel like he was under a microscope as Alfred’s sky blue eyes scanned over his figure, giving a low whistle as he did so.
“Always knew you’d be gorgeous under all the bulky clothes,” Alfred muttered, holding out his hands, ready to accept Ivan’s body back into his embrace. Ivan didn’t make him wait long.
“Am I not attractive with the bulky clothes?” Ivan asked, half-teasing, half genuinely interested in just what Alfred thought of him.
“Nah, you’re adorable, all bundled up like its winter or something,” Alfred murmured against his hair. In a move that was carried out with a mix of hesitance and excitement, Ivan carefully lowered Alfred back against the mattress. Afraid of making the younger man feel trapped, he rolled to his side so that they were lying beside each other, legs tangled together.
“Um, is it okay if I…?” Ivan asked, inwardly cringing at how he sounded like an awkward teen. Alfred kissed his forehead and nodded, even going so far as to guide Ivan’s hand down to his cock. Both of them took in a sharp breath at the contact. As Ivan continued to move his hand over the steadily hardening flesh the sounds continued to pour out of Alfred’s mouth, quiet, breathy little gasps and whimpers that blew right across his ear.
It was hard to choose between listening to those sounds and stopping them up with kisses, so Ivan did both, murmuring reverent little nothings all the while. His eyes were steadily trained on Alfred’s face, looking for any signs that he wasn’t with him anymore. What he found were clear blue eyes that stared back into his with equal intensity. Ivan’s free hand came up to rest on the blonde’s face, his thumb running under one of those precious, beautiful eyes as it fluttered, fighting to stay open.
“I-Ivan, i-if you don’t st-stop I’m gonna c-co-mphn.” Ivan cut Alfred’s words off with a kiss, silently encouraging him to finish with increasingly quick strokes. With a silent cry Alfred released into Ivan’s hand, his face flushed and beautiful and oh-so tempting. Alfred’s whole body relaxed against the mattress in his afterglow and he mumbled a little “Thank God” under his breath.
“Thank God for what?” Ivan asked, worried that he meant “Thank God it’s over.”
“I…” Alfred’s face, already so red, could not have possibly gotten any darker. “I was w…worried, that I wouldn’t be… um, be able to finish.” Of more specifically, he was worried he wouldn’t be able to get off without being hurt, but Alfred was too embarrassed to admit that much.
“Oh,” Ivan mumbled, for lack of anything better to say. “Well, good thing that’s not the case.”
“Yeah…” Alfred trailed off, his eyes wandering down to the very prominent erection Ivan was sporting. “Your turn?”
Ivan gave a quiet scoff. “I’m pretty sure these things do not work in turns,” he murmured, the hand that had rested on Alfred’s cheek moving back to card through his wheat-gold hair.
“I uh… I don’t really mind how we do this,” Alfred said, his eyes flickering around the room nervously. “But I… I wanna see your face, okay? I, I have to right now, I think.”
“Alright,” Ivan responded, gathering Alfred up in one arm, the other reaching around on the nightstand for the bottle of lube they’d set there for the occasion. This was really, really it and just the thought of how much good or bad this one act could do was enough to make Ivan’s hands shake a little. The what if’s piled up in Ivan’s mind; what if he lost control and hurt Alfred, what if Alfred had a flashback, what if he just floated away into his mind? It shamed him to realize that when Alfred placed his hand over Ivan’s own, it wasn’t to stop him from opening the container but to sooth him.
“Hey, it’s gonna be fine, okay? I… I know you don’t want to hurt me, and that you’re being really careful with me. So… trust yourself a bit? I do.”
For a brief moment Ivan had wanted to call the whole thing off; he couldn’t do this, he would mess up and break Alfred for good. But the faith in those blue eyes steeled his resolve and reassured him that no, he wouldn’t lose control and even if he did, Alfred wasn’t quite as breakable as he sometimes seemed. They would be fine.
“I….Okay,” Ivan muttered, moving to position himself between Alfred’s legs. His hands were moving, squeezing out lube and warming it, but his eyes found it difficult to stray from the man beneath him long enough to really watch what he was doing. Alfred was in a word captivating; from the high flush on his cheeks to the bashful inward turn of his knees, he was just impossible to look away from for long.
When the gel had warmed enough, Ivan leaned over to kiss Alfred while his hand moved toward the other’s entrance. He used the kiss to distract Alfred as one finger worked its way into him, first just one knuckle, then two, then as far as it could go. Alfred squirmed, no longer used to the sensation and trying to make himself comfortable. His hands gripped Ivan’s shoulders, nails digging in just the slightest as he anchored himself to this reality and tried to breathe deeply, tried to relax. He succeeded to some degree, only feeling minimal discomfort as a second finger was inserted.
Ivan’s expression was one of the utmost concentration and even though he’d known it’d be like this, it still touched him to see the older man’s determination on his face. Ivan was making quite the effort for him-had been for years, really. To see it so clearly and feel it in the careful searching motions of Ivan’s fingers was too much, and if he hadn’t promised himself that he wouldn’t turn into a blubbering idiot during this, well, that’s exactly what he would be.
“Ah--!” The pleasurable shock that ran through him came as a surprise, an entirely welcome one though it was. Ivan shot him a worried look, probably thinking he’d hurt Alfred somehow, but he just shook his head stuttering, “N-no, good spot, k-keep going.”
Alfred adjusted his hold on Ivan as the Russian’s fingers continued to move in him, adding a third finger and brushing over that spot in him again every so often. He didn’t want to grab the other’s shoulders too hard and leave a mark; he was, for some very obvious reasons, against the idea of marking his lover in some show of possessiveness.
After what seemed like a partly pleasant, partly uncomfortable eternity Ivan finished preparing him. “If you want to, now would be the time to back out,” Ivan murmured against his cheek.
Alfred shook his head no, “I… I’ve gotten this far, h-haven’t I? I wanna… wanna keep going.” Besides, neither of them were in any state to stop and it’d just be a crying shame if they got this far, only to end up having to finish themselves off.
“Tell me if I hurt you,” Ivan said, moving away from Alfred just enough see what he was doing as he rolled on a condom, put the remaining lube from his hands on his cock, and aligned himself with Alfred’s entrance. With painstaking slowness he pushed past the tight ring of muscle, the fingers on the hand holding up the other’s leg twitching as he tried to stop himself from both digging his fingers into Alfred’s thigh and keeping control of his hips.
“Ah-God-Ivan,” Alfred gasped out, his eyes screwed shut tight against the burn in his backside, both unfamiliar and yet not. There was a moment once Ivan was fully sheathed in him where neither of them moved except for the rising and falling of their chests as they panted. When Alfred finally felt ready for it he thrust his hips just a little, but it got the message across and Ivan began to move to meet him. Caught between the feel of the slow burn and the bit of pleasure curling in his stomach, Alfred’s hand scrambled for Ivan’s, still cooler than his own even now.
Alfred held Ivan’s gaze, his stare intense as he studied the different shades of purple reflected in his lover’s irises. He was afraid to close his eyes, unsure of what he’d see behind his eyelids, but as long as he was staring at Ivan and his beautiful amethyst eyes Alfred knew he wouldn’t have to worry. For a moment, those eyes seemed to get bigger, but Alfred realized when their lips met that Ivan was just moving closer to him. His response was enthusiastic, eager to show the man who loved him, who cared for him and treated him so very carefully that his affections were returned just as strongly. Ivan murmured unintelligible words against his lips and cheeks, whispering over his jaw bone and down his neck in a slur of Russian and English.
“B-better be sayin’-ah-sayin’ re-real nice things right n-now,” Alfred panted out, the words slow to leave his mouth, made useless by the undeniable pleasure that he was feeling. Pleasure with only a trivial amount of unintended but unavoidable pain; despite how hard he tried to not remember any of his previous sexual encounters, Alfred couldn’t help but marvel at the novelty of the idea that the two could exist separately.
“All good things,” Ivan’s words came out in a rush of breath. “Will be-explaining later.”
“Ye-ah-“ Alfred responded through a gasp. Their movements were becoming steadily more sporadic as they neared the end. In the small snatches of time that he wasn’t lost in either pleasure or Ivan’s irises, Alfred felt pride in himself swelling within his chest. He wasn’t terrified or unresponsive or travelling about his own head. He was in bed with Ivan, making love, and very much enjoying it. God, the things Ivan made possible for him.
All coherent thought fled from Alfred’s mind when Ivan’s hand-the one he wasn’t holding in a death grip-took hold of his erection and began working him to completion. Alfred writhed and bucked into the other’s firm grip, his own hand squeezing Ivan’s trapped one tightly. The movement had him rocking between Ivan’s hand and his erection, and it was with little other than a few more thrusts that Alfred came for the second time that night, hot and sticky into Ivan’s hand. Ivan’s pace became almost frantic as Alfred clamped down on him, the tight heat finally bringing him to his own end with a muffled cry against Alfred’s collarbone.
For a minute they simply shared a look of wonderment, almost mystified by their own actions. They managed to snap themselves out of their sex-induced haze, but that feeling of amazement didn’t leave them even as Ivan pulled out and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and get a towel to clean up with.
“Yo-you don’t have to pamper me,” Alfred protested weakly as Ivan gently cleaned the mess from Alfred’s skin. It seemed strange to him to be so embarrassed about such a thing when they’d been so intimate just a moment before, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t remember ever being treated like this after sex and it just drove home that fact that it hadn’t been just sex.
“Perhaps not, but I want to,” Ivan said, very content to wipe down every inch of skin exposed to him, dirty or not. He was still utterly fascinated by Alfred’s body, new to him as it was. He doubted that feeling would ever really fade away, and prayed that it stayed with him always. He loved being captivated by Alfred.
“C’mon, stop with the sponge bath and jus’ lemme hug you. It’s time for a victory cuddle,” Alfred said, not giving Ivan the option to refuse when he pulled the older man up to lay with him (though to be fair, Ivan wasn’t exactly resisting).
“A victory cuddle?” Ivan asked, one eyebrow quirked. Alfred flushed a bit at the question, seeming to realize the silliness of the phrase.
“Yeah… doesn’t it sort of seem like we won something?” It certainly did to Alfred; like he’d prevailed over his own past, like he’d won back something crucial that never should have left him in the first place.
“...Yes, it does,” Ivan responded slowly after a moment of thought, pulling Alfred closer to him. Alfred was content to be held tightly against the other’s chest, his ear resting just above his lover’s heart, still beating quickly. It was putting him to sleep rather quickly.
“Uh… question,” Alfred murmured, hoping to keep himself awake through conversation.
“Hm?”
“What were you saying earlier? Said you’d tell me.”
“Ah,” Alfred didn’t look up to see his expression, but he could hear the embarrassment in Ivan’s heartbeat.
“I believe I said I love you.”
Ivan dropped a kiss on the tip of his nose.
“And that you are beautiful.”
Another on his forehead.
“And very strong.”
One on each cheek.
“I may have also thanked you profusely.”
Alfred moved to meet Ivan’s kiss this time, feeling exceptionally warm from all the kisses and kind words. This was a warmth he knew he could trust; it was something he knew and believed. And so trust it he did, taking comfort in the arms that wrapped around him as sweet Russian lullabies sent him off to sleep.
Author/Artist: Sayasama
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Russia/US
Rating: M for sex, though to be fair it's not very sexy sex.
Warnings: Sex, the after-effects of sexual abuse, very likely OOC and very possibly offensive depending on personal experience. Also, un-beta'd like wao.
Summary: With all ties to his former life cut and a stronghold of trust, Alfred feels ready to take the next step with Ivan.
A/n: Holy crumpets, this took way too long to write. Partly because as much as I appreciate sexytimes I can't write it, and partly because it's not exactly easy to put yourself in the shoes of someone who's been sexually abused. Hopefully this came out okay, I'm very nervous..! And really sorry for the wait. orz
Also, feel free to point out typos please, this is probably rife with them.
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“Are you entirely sure of this?”
“I… Yeah, I am.”
Ivan stood in front of Alfred, looking for any hint that the younger man was unsure or feeling pressured. He found nervousness and excitement and trust and love-but nothing of the absolute terror he was worried about. He wasn’t entirely sure of how much of Alfred’s words could be taken at face value and how much of it was just false bravado though, so he resolved himself to be extremely careful every step of the way. Ivan would be so different and gentle and worshipping that Alfred wouldn’t be able to find a reason to fear even if he tried.
Slowly, he took a step toward Alfred, not entirely sure what would be okay. “Tell me what to do,” Ivan insisted, not wanting to make a single wrong move.
Alfred shook his head no. “I don’t want to… to order you around. Just do what seems right?” He said, not entirely sure of himself. In the moment of silence that followed Alfred took one of Ivan’s big hands in his own, placing it at the top of the row of buttons on his shirt. “Though uh, do me a favor and don’t hurt my clothes? It’s a bitch to replace them.”
Recognizing the small attempt at humor for what it was, Ivan gave a short laugh and ever so carefully began to unbutton Alfred’s shirt. At his sides, Alfred’s hands twitched nervously with the urge to stop what they’d started. Ivan was not so oblivious as to miss this.
“Are you okay? You’re fidgeting.”
“Yeah, yeah, just… nervous. There’s a reason I don’t walk around shirtless, you know. It’s… not pretty,” Alfred murmured, moving his nervous hands up to Ivan’s chest to start undressing the older man. His hands needed something to do or they’d stop Ivan and he didn’t want that, he really, really wanted-almost needed-to do this. He was free, and unafraid and in love and he was going to enjoy that in every way possible. He just needed his hands to stop twitching so nervously.
Ivan’s hands moved away from the hem of Alfred’s now undone shirt and rested on his shoulders. “I have seen nothing yet. If you don’t want me to, now is the time to stop me.”
“I’m fine. Just… promise you won’t be disgusted?” Alfred’s eyes were filled with a wavering insecurity, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Ivan responds to that with a light kiss.
“Anything that is a part of you is beautiful.”
Alfred flushed up to his hairline at that. “Ge-geez, keep that up and you’ll embarrass me to death.”
“I mean it,” Ivan said as he slowly eased the material off Alfred’s shoulders and down his arms. With every inch of skin exposed another scar became visible, or so it seemed to Ivan. They varied in size and clearly in cause, some of them looking like old burn marks from the lit ends of cigarettes, others looking like stab wounds, and others still looking like purposefully made incisions. Ivan was in awe of them, of the person who lived with them and through them, and yes it was disturbing to think that someone could ever do such things to someone like Alfred but more than that it was simply amazing and he found himself with a whole new appreciation for the man before him.
Ivan realized the folly of staring for so long when Alfred shifted, bringing his arms up to cross over his chest protectively. “I-I’m sorry, it’s really… ugly, and all. I can, I dunno, get concealer or something? If you want, ah, though it might r-rub off on the-wh-what are you doing?”
“Kissing them better,” Ivan murmured against the burn on his collar bone. It was all Alfred could do to mutter a little “Oh” as Ivan continued to pepper light kisses over his shoulders and chest.
“These are not ugly scars,” Ivan said between kisses. “They are scars that tell of your strength and perseverance.” He wasn’t sure how to express himself further without saying something that sounded wrong, but he needed to show Alfred that these were nothing to be ashamed of. However as he kneeled to move lower and the other’s breath became shaky he worried that perhaps his actions had done more harm than good.
“Is something wrong?” He looked up at Alfred, who had a hand hovering over his mouth as he looked back down at Ivan.
“I-I’m okay but… If you do-don’t stop that I’m gonna just wanna hug you an-and then we won’t get anywhere,” Alfred said through a watery laugh. Ivan placed a light kiss just above his navel, in a place where there was no scar while letting his fingers trail lightly trail down Alfred’s front until they stopped at the waist of his jeans. He paused, gave the American a moment to decide if this was what he really wanted.
“Go on,” Alfred said, his composure seeming to have come together somewhat. “I-it’s okay. I want you to.”
So Ivan did. With a slowness born of both carefulness and relish for the action, Ivan tugged the jeans down Alfred’s legs. There were not so many scars there and Ivan didn’t dwell on them for long, preferring instead to get Alfred to step away from the material pooled at his ankles. His eyes raked up and down the body bared to him, stopping at the last bit of material preserving the younger man’s modesty.
“I half expected your Superman boxers,” the words flew out of Ivan’s mouth before he could think better of it. He was cringing almost before the words had left his mouth. Ivan waited a moment for a reaction, expecting a bit of indignity. Instead, Alfred gave a laughing scoff.
“Thought they might be a bit of a turn-off,” he said jokingly, and the face Ivan was looking up at now was so much more relaxed than it had been just a moment before that he couldn’t help but feel like maybe he hadn’t said the wrong thing after all. Deciding that he’d best get on with it while Alfred was relaxed and happy, Ivan slipped his fingers under the band of Alfred’s briefs and pulled them down and off, placing them on top of the previously discarded pants. Looking back up, Ivan found that Alfred was not exactly hard; but that was fine, he hadn’t been going for erotic anyway. He was much more concentrated on making the other feel safe, though he supposed now would be the time to start working on arousing the other.
“Sit.” The word was less of a request and more of a question. Alfred complied, taking up residence on the edge of the bed with a mix of curiosity and embarrassment on his face. He squirmed a bit under Ivan’s gaze, his modesty demanding he find something to cover up with (as for all that his previous profession would imply otherwise, Alfred was indeed a very modest man) but his mind reminding him that being naked was rather the point at the moment.
“You’re starin’ kinda intently, see anything of interest?” Alfred asked, false bravado doing a poor job of covering up his growing apprehension.
“Only my very beautiful lover,” Ivan replied as he met Alfred’s eyes. The blush that burned across Alfred’s cheeks was too fetching to resist so Ivan leaned forward and kissed each cheek, feeling the heat on his lips. For a few moments they indulged in a string of lazy kisses and exploratory touches. Ivan was awed by the skin that he was finally allowed to touch; Alfred took in the contours of his partner’s body like a curious child, inspecting the places that seemed interesting and tickling him with light touches.
Such attentions were brought to a stop though when Alfred’s hands wandered low down Ivan’s back and he frowned. “I’m naked and you’re not,” he announced with a pouty tone. “Not fair. Get outta those pants.”
Ivan raised an eyebrow and despite himself he felt his lip twitch upward into what could’ve been a smirk, if he weren’t so in control of his expressions. “If you insist.”
Alfred’s face colored again. “I-I don’t mean it like-w-well yeah I do but I just don’t want to be-“ ‘to be the only one open and vulnerable’ went unsaid, but Ivan heard it anyway. So it was that with much less ceremony than before Ivan quickly removed what was left of his clothing. It was his turn to feel like he was under a microscope as Alfred’s sky blue eyes scanned over his figure, giving a low whistle as he did so.
“Always knew you’d be gorgeous under all the bulky clothes,” Alfred muttered, holding out his hands, ready to accept Ivan’s body back into his embrace. Ivan didn’t make him wait long.
“Am I not attractive with the bulky clothes?” Ivan asked, half-teasing, half genuinely interested in just what Alfred thought of him.
“Nah, you’re adorable, all bundled up like its winter or something,” Alfred murmured against his hair. In a move that was carried out with a mix of hesitance and excitement, Ivan carefully lowered Alfred back against the mattress. Afraid of making the younger man feel trapped, he rolled to his side so that they were lying beside each other, legs tangled together.
“Um, is it okay if I…?” Ivan asked, inwardly cringing at how he sounded like an awkward teen. Alfred kissed his forehead and nodded, even going so far as to guide Ivan’s hand down to his cock. Both of them took in a sharp breath at the contact. As Ivan continued to move his hand over the steadily hardening flesh the sounds continued to pour out of Alfred’s mouth, quiet, breathy little gasps and whimpers that blew right across his ear.
It was hard to choose between listening to those sounds and stopping them up with kisses, so Ivan did both, murmuring reverent little nothings all the while. His eyes were steadily trained on Alfred’s face, looking for any signs that he wasn’t with him anymore. What he found were clear blue eyes that stared back into his with equal intensity. Ivan’s free hand came up to rest on the blonde’s face, his thumb running under one of those precious, beautiful eyes as it fluttered, fighting to stay open.
“I-Ivan, i-if you don’t st-stop I’m gonna c-co-mphn.” Ivan cut Alfred’s words off with a kiss, silently encouraging him to finish with increasingly quick strokes. With a silent cry Alfred released into Ivan’s hand, his face flushed and beautiful and oh-so tempting. Alfred’s whole body relaxed against the mattress in his afterglow and he mumbled a little “Thank God” under his breath.
“Thank God for what?” Ivan asked, worried that he meant “Thank God it’s over.”
“I…” Alfred’s face, already so red, could not have possibly gotten any darker. “I was w…worried, that I wouldn’t be… um, be able to finish.” Of more specifically, he was worried he wouldn’t be able to get off without being hurt, but Alfred was too embarrassed to admit that much.
“Oh,” Ivan mumbled, for lack of anything better to say. “Well, good thing that’s not the case.”
“Yeah…” Alfred trailed off, his eyes wandering down to the very prominent erection Ivan was sporting. “Your turn?”
Ivan gave a quiet scoff. “I’m pretty sure these things do not work in turns,” he murmured, the hand that had rested on Alfred’s cheek moving back to card through his wheat-gold hair.
“I uh… I don’t really mind how we do this,” Alfred said, his eyes flickering around the room nervously. “But I… I wanna see your face, okay? I, I have to right now, I think.”
“Alright,” Ivan responded, gathering Alfred up in one arm, the other reaching around on the nightstand for the bottle of lube they’d set there for the occasion. This was really, really it and just the thought of how much good or bad this one act could do was enough to make Ivan’s hands shake a little. The what if’s piled up in Ivan’s mind; what if he lost control and hurt Alfred, what if Alfred had a flashback, what if he just floated away into his mind? It shamed him to realize that when Alfred placed his hand over Ivan’s own, it wasn’t to stop him from opening the container but to sooth him.
“Hey, it’s gonna be fine, okay? I… I know you don’t want to hurt me, and that you’re being really careful with me. So… trust yourself a bit? I do.”
For a brief moment Ivan had wanted to call the whole thing off; he couldn’t do this, he would mess up and break Alfred for good. But the faith in those blue eyes steeled his resolve and reassured him that no, he wouldn’t lose control and even if he did, Alfred wasn’t quite as breakable as he sometimes seemed. They would be fine.
“I….Okay,” Ivan muttered, moving to position himself between Alfred’s legs. His hands were moving, squeezing out lube and warming it, but his eyes found it difficult to stray from the man beneath him long enough to really watch what he was doing. Alfred was in a word captivating; from the high flush on his cheeks to the bashful inward turn of his knees, he was just impossible to look away from for long.
When the gel had warmed enough, Ivan leaned over to kiss Alfred while his hand moved toward the other’s entrance. He used the kiss to distract Alfred as one finger worked its way into him, first just one knuckle, then two, then as far as it could go. Alfred squirmed, no longer used to the sensation and trying to make himself comfortable. His hands gripped Ivan’s shoulders, nails digging in just the slightest as he anchored himself to this reality and tried to breathe deeply, tried to relax. He succeeded to some degree, only feeling minimal discomfort as a second finger was inserted.
Ivan’s expression was one of the utmost concentration and even though he’d known it’d be like this, it still touched him to see the older man’s determination on his face. Ivan was making quite the effort for him-had been for years, really. To see it so clearly and feel it in the careful searching motions of Ivan’s fingers was too much, and if he hadn’t promised himself that he wouldn’t turn into a blubbering idiot during this, well, that’s exactly what he would be.
“Ah--!” The pleasurable shock that ran through him came as a surprise, an entirely welcome one though it was. Ivan shot him a worried look, probably thinking he’d hurt Alfred somehow, but he just shook his head stuttering, “N-no, good spot, k-keep going.”
Alfred adjusted his hold on Ivan as the Russian’s fingers continued to move in him, adding a third finger and brushing over that spot in him again every so often. He didn’t want to grab the other’s shoulders too hard and leave a mark; he was, for some very obvious reasons, against the idea of marking his lover in some show of possessiveness.
After what seemed like a partly pleasant, partly uncomfortable eternity Ivan finished preparing him. “If you want to, now would be the time to back out,” Ivan murmured against his cheek.
Alfred shook his head no, “I… I’ve gotten this far, h-haven’t I? I wanna… wanna keep going.” Besides, neither of them were in any state to stop and it’d just be a crying shame if they got this far, only to end up having to finish themselves off.
“Tell me if I hurt you,” Ivan said, moving away from Alfred just enough see what he was doing as he rolled on a condom, put the remaining lube from his hands on his cock, and aligned himself with Alfred’s entrance. With painstaking slowness he pushed past the tight ring of muscle, the fingers on the hand holding up the other’s leg twitching as he tried to stop himself from both digging his fingers into Alfred’s thigh and keeping control of his hips.
“Ah-God-Ivan,” Alfred gasped out, his eyes screwed shut tight against the burn in his backside, both unfamiliar and yet not. There was a moment once Ivan was fully sheathed in him where neither of them moved except for the rising and falling of their chests as they panted. When Alfred finally felt ready for it he thrust his hips just a little, but it got the message across and Ivan began to move to meet him. Caught between the feel of the slow burn and the bit of pleasure curling in his stomach, Alfred’s hand scrambled for Ivan’s, still cooler than his own even now.
Alfred held Ivan’s gaze, his stare intense as he studied the different shades of purple reflected in his lover’s irises. He was afraid to close his eyes, unsure of what he’d see behind his eyelids, but as long as he was staring at Ivan and his beautiful amethyst eyes Alfred knew he wouldn’t have to worry. For a moment, those eyes seemed to get bigger, but Alfred realized when their lips met that Ivan was just moving closer to him. His response was enthusiastic, eager to show the man who loved him, who cared for him and treated him so very carefully that his affections were returned just as strongly. Ivan murmured unintelligible words against his lips and cheeks, whispering over his jaw bone and down his neck in a slur of Russian and English.
“B-better be sayin’-ah-sayin’ re-real nice things right n-now,” Alfred panted out, the words slow to leave his mouth, made useless by the undeniable pleasure that he was feeling. Pleasure with only a trivial amount of unintended but unavoidable pain; despite how hard he tried to not remember any of his previous sexual encounters, Alfred couldn’t help but marvel at the novelty of the idea that the two could exist separately.
“All good things,” Ivan’s words came out in a rush of breath. “Will be-explaining later.”
“Ye-ah-“ Alfred responded through a gasp. Their movements were becoming steadily more sporadic as they neared the end. In the small snatches of time that he wasn’t lost in either pleasure or Ivan’s irises, Alfred felt pride in himself swelling within his chest. He wasn’t terrified or unresponsive or travelling about his own head. He was in bed with Ivan, making love, and very much enjoying it. God, the things Ivan made possible for him.
All coherent thought fled from Alfred’s mind when Ivan’s hand-the one he wasn’t holding in a death grip-took hold of his erection and began working him to completion. Alfred writhed and bucked into the other’s firm grip, his own hand squeezing Ivan’s trapped one tightly. The movement had him rocking between Ivan’s hand and his erection, and it was with little other than a few more thrusts that Alfred came for the second time that night, hot and sticky into Ivan’s hand. Ivan’s pace became almost frantic as Alfred clamped down on him, the tight heat finally bringing him to his own end with a muffled cry against Alfred’s collarbone.
For a minute they simply shared a look of wonderment, almost mystified by their own actions. They managed to snap themselves out of their sex-induced haze, but that feeling of amazement didn’t leave them even as Ivan pulled out and went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and get a towel to clean up with.
“Yo-you don’t have to pamper me,” Alfred protested weakly as Ivan gently cleaned the mess from Alfred’s skin. It seemed strange to him to be so embarrassed about such a thing when they’d been so intimate just a moment before, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t remember ever being treated like this after sex and it just drove home that fact that it hadn’t been just sex.
“Perhaps not, but I want to,” Ivan said, very content to wipe down every inch of skin exposed to him, dirty or not. He was still utterly fascinated by Alfred’s body, new to him as it was. He doubted that feeling would ever really fade away, and prayed that it stayed with him always. He loved being captivated by Alfred.
“C’mon, stop with the sponge bath and jus’ lemme hug you. It’s time for a victory cuddle,” Alfred said, not giving Ivan the option to refuse when he pulled the older man up to lay with him (though to be fair, Ivan wasn’t exactly resisting).
“A victory cuddle?” Ivan asked, one eyebrow quirked. Alfred flushed a bit at the question, seeming to realize the silliness of the phrase.
“Yeah… doesn’t it sort of seem like we won something?” It certainly did to Alfred; like he’d prevailed over his own past, like he’d won back something crucial that never should have left him in the first place.
“...Yes, it does,” Ivan responded slowly after a moment of thought, pulling Alfred closer to him. Alfred was content to be held tightly against the other’s chest, his ear resting just above his lover’s heart, still beating quickly. It was putting him to sleep rather quickly.
“Uh… question,” Alfred murmured, hoping to keep himself awake through conversation.
“Hm?”
“What were you saying earlier? Said you’d tell me.”
“Ah,” Alfred didn’t look up to see his expression, but he could hear the embarrassment in Ivan’s heartbeat.
“I believe I said I love you.”
Ivan dropped a kiss on the tip of his nose.
“And that you are beautiful.”
Another on his forehead.
“And very strong.”
One on each cheek.
“I may have also thanked you profusely.”
Alfred moved to meet Ivan’s kiss this time, feeling exceptionally warm from all the kisses and kind words. This was a warmth he knew he could trust; it was something he knew and believed. And so trust it he did, taking comfort in the arms that wrapped around him as sweet Russian lullabies sent him off to sleep.